As it would seem life has finally started to slow down. But that too comes with its own challenges. I had to kick 18 and his girlfriend out of my house, because they could not pass a drug test. Which made 3 months before I was able to see my grandson, however I have now seen him twice in the last 2 weeks. They broke up and she has been allowing me to see him again. I appreciate that.
16 has been having struggles of his own. I have dealt with a lot with him, but with a new set of rules, hopefully things will start to straighten out.
12 is doing as well as he possibly can, he is doing amazing in comparison to how he had been doing in the past.
9 is doing GREAT at his dads, however he asked me last weekend if I could go back to court so he could come back and live with me, and as much as it pains me I talked to him and his dad and I hope he understands that what we are doing allowing him to continue to live with his father is the best possible choice for him.
18 is a lost cause unfortunately, he has moved 4 hours away from me, and has not spoken to me since December 28th. It is probably better that way, much less drama, much less chaos.
As far as me, I guess I have just become this needy, clingy girlfriend who wants nothing more than to be loved by my boyfriend, however he does not seem to have the intimacy level that I dream of. I want to be close to him always, I want to be a family with him and my kids and his kids, but a "family" seems like a far cry from what we are. I want to take pictures with him, and cuddle him, but as much as I beg, and cry and plead with him, it just seems like that is a distant fairy tale dream of mine that will probably never take place.
I want to get married and have a real shot at a real future with our kids and the man of my dreams. I want him to realize that he is my hopes and my dreams and my future. I want him to quit accusing me of cheating on him and quit letting his "day" affect our home life. I want him to come to me and kiss me for no reason, grab my hand, pull me close, run his fingers through my hair, but all of that seems like it is just out of his grasp and maybe he is not built that way, but I wish he would realize how much it would mean to me.
My kids want a "dad", something they have never had in their lives and it seems like every time I choose someone to put into their lives, it does not work out for them. No one wants to be the father figure to kids "like mine" I guess. Although it is so not fair to them, and it is not fair to me.
I have been cycling into this huge depressive state that I really don't want to be in, but every time I bring it up to him he says that he IS in fact doing all of the things that I know he isn't....
I don't know what to do or say anymore, because when I put my feelings on the table and when I open my heart to him it causes us to fight and then we pull apart more than we already are, because I desperately want him close, not to drive him farther and farther away from me.
So how to 2 people who claim to love each other survive - even if they have different levels of expectancy from the person that they love? Like I crave being close to him, he has no desire to make ANY physical contact unless it is sexual and that is rare. He has no desire to just come up to me out of the blue and kiss me.....no desire to look into my eyes and fall in love with me all over again, however that is what I do with him every day. I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings of loneliness that I feel, and not because I want to be touched in general, but because I want to be touched by him.
I am going to make it a point to remember the saying - "Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have".
And just wait, and hope that is enough.
In the meantime, I am going to be the best possible mother I can be to my children, I am going to be the best possible girlfriend I can be to my boyfriend, I am going to be the best possible house cleaner, dinner cooker, and employee that I can be....I am just going to spend time bettering myself, and maybe I can fill that void of neediness that I have with something else.
"I want a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous"
Maybe one day.....but for today, I am going to bide my time, love myself, love my kids, love my house, love my job.....and I will prevail.
Hopefully one day everyone that I put so much time, energy, devotion and love into will wake up and see how much I do for them and how deep my love is for them (my kids and my boyfriend) and realize that time, love and respect are not that hard to give back....especially when it is demanded from them.....
</3
