I feel as though I have fallen in love with someone who I am not compatible with at all. Someone who does not love me the way that I want to be loved and someone who doesn't love my children the way the need to be loved.
I want so much out of this life, but I feel as though I am setting everything I want on the back burner to allow for things that do not matter at all. Things like TV, beer, arguing, etc. Nothing that spells out happiness to me in the long run.
I feel as though he is constantly trying to find ways to get my children in trouble although my children have done everything he asks, although it is never good enough. My older son avoids him to prevent being accused of things, but it consistently happens anyways. My younger son tries so hard to break his tough exterior, but to no avail, he always seems to get his feelings hurt in the process of trying.
I feel the same as my younger son, like I beg and beg for his attention and he just turns the other cheek, due to the fact that it doesn't quite meet up to what he wants to be doing at the time. I really feel as though this IS the life that he wants to live, but WE are not the people that he wants to live it with. He says he does, but his actions prove otherwise.
I have decided to stop doing everything, I mean I am still going through the motions, but I am going through them completely emotionless. It has only been 3 days, and he is already on to the fact that I am treating him the same way he has been treating me for over a year. I don't know what he wants from me. When I want his attention, I beg and plead for it, it turns into a fight and then it leaves me feeling more lonely than I was in the beginning, and then it goes back to the exact same way that it was. I am getting more and more distant by the day and I know that he can feel it, but I don't know what else to do. I cannot continue to let him hurt me.
He says that he has changed so much, but it must all be in his head, because what he says he is doing so much of, no one can see, except him obviously =/
I want to marry this man, but I don't even know if we are going to make it through our 2nd year together because he doesn't understand what he is doing to me emotionally.
There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are days when I would rather go to bed before he gets home from work, there are even those days that are getting more and more frequent that I would rather take a handful of pills and hope that I can sleep until forever. Not that I would ever do that, but God sometimes I want to. Just because the way he makes me feel is like I don't matter to him at all and that breaks my heart.
The looks I see on my children's faces when they get let down by him yet again breaks my heart, and he just doesn't get it. I really think we need some type of counseling if we are going to make this work although he sees nothing wrong with the way we are living our life....so what do you do with the person who has no issues with how much he is hurting you? Clearly it can never be changed because he doesn't acknowledge it.
I am miserable, I miss who I used to be, I miss who my kids used to be, and I miss the man that I fell in love with..... clearly not the man that I have been left with.
This is so hard.
How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?
I don't want to live my life without him, but I cannot stand the games that he plays or the way he sabotages our lives....
When do we get the FAMILY that I keep talking about and that I keep dreaming about?
When does it become about all of us, and not just HIM???
My heart is on the line here........
