What in the hell....

But that's the thing about writing to me.  I can write Obsessively and Incessantly with a Maddening Hunger.  I can write to the point of suffocation.  I can write myself into nervous breakdowns, I can write about anything I want.  Something I have learned about myself is when I write it comes from the soul and when I speak there is little emotion behind it, because I have build my wall up so thick and so high that words are emotionless feelings that come out of my mouth for protection, and when I write it is like a gateway from my heart to the paper.

So today, Easter Sunday 4/5/2015  I write.....

What shall I write about I wonder, how about the way I feel.  Ha.  Good start.

I feel lost and confused, hurt by some of the recent things that have been going on and confused by others.  Still yet I feel happy that my life has become a turn of events that I can trust and that I am getting more and more used to by the day.  How can something that feels like it is supposed to be right, be so wrong?  I can tell you how.  Someone somewhere has a plan that is not aligned with my plan.  It is their own plan, their own guarded plan, with their own walls and their own moats, and what I have learned as an adult is if I didn't meet someone in high school and bring them in to my life, that anyone I meet is going to have their own demons.  Things that have to be overcome before we can love, and be where we need to be to reach a forever.

I think when I left my husband it became a challenge.  When you leave someone you put so much effort into, and loved with everything in your heart, you want to share your feelings.  So I did.  I shared my feelings with anyone who would listen.  How in the world could I show someone so much love and in return they were lifeless, they were not reciprocating to my actions, to my begging, to my tears, how could he just stand there and look at me while I fell apart?  How could he do this to me when I felt like I poured my whole life into him?  I still don't have the answers to those questions, but I will tell you what I did.

I left, and I poured all of those feelings out to someone else.  Someone who took everything that I said I wanted from my husband and put it into action himself.  Mind Blowing.  I remember my husband telling me that no one could show me affection every single day, and I remember it breaking my heart, because I so badly wanted that from him, and now to have this "other" person making that attempt, I will admit, it was nice.  It was exactly what I wanted.  I just didn't want it from him.  Maybe that was wrong of me and I will be the first to say so, it felt right in the moment, but it wasn't.  It was horrible... every single day that I was trying to be devoted to someone else, I was turning my back on my husband, and on God.

I used to be this girl...  The one who easily jumped from one relationship into another with no care in the world, because my childhood has programmed me to run from anything when it gets hard.  I did run and I still think that running was the right move without a doubt.  But running into the arms of someone else has only further strained my thinking.  I needed to run, I needed to run fast and far, but I needed to run toward myself.  The person that I had lost while trying to love my husband.

I was confused, I still am, about the person that I left behind as well as the person that I have now become.  I am much more emotional than I used to be.  I can cry on a dime, or I can sleep for hours on end, but I also feel stronger.  I have started to love myself again and that alone is huge for me.  I feel like I am walking on egg shells, but for myself.  I don't want to mess this up because this has the opportunity to guide me towards everything I have ever wanted.  I don't want to be in another relationship because I am lonely.  Hell I was in a marriage for years that left me lonely, you would think by now I would be understanding of how to be alone, but I'm not.  I have a long way to go.

I need to learn how to love myself, how to be able to spend time by myself, how to smile at myself in the mirror, how to quit looking for flaws in my appearance and in my character.  I have to quit pulling people into my life that shouldn't be here, especially when I am unsure what my brain is even doing.  One day its fine, the next day it is seeking something else, and at no point have I stopped and just enjoyed myself.

I haven't given myself any time at all to grieve my failed marriage, or to grieve the relationship that we had.  We have gone through turmoil since the break up.  We have said very mean things to each other, we have went weeks without speaking to each other, but it seems like every time we are around one another we can just pick up and communicate like nothing ever broke between us.  I don't understand what that means.  Does it mean that even though we lost the communication in our marriage that we are still able to be friends?  Does it mean that I still want to be with him because every time I am around him I still want to touch and kiss him?  Does it mean that he realizes what he lost and that we could still make this work?  Or does it mean no matter what this relationship is too far gone and while it is simple to go back to what feels "normal" it never really did feel "right" in the moment and that I would be setting myself up for further destruction.

I am sure the latter is the truth of the matter, but why now am I grieving for this?? I have done so good, not thinking about everything I left behind, I had done so well not crying or beating myself up over this......why now..... I have no idea.

All I can make of it all is that this is all a test.  A lesson that God is putting in my face.  A lesson that he wants me to learn.  But this is not an open book test, so I really need to study.  But where do I get my material.....

Damn.....

My mind is a whirlwind of emotions right now.

Checking out for awhile, gonna go to dinner with my dad who I haven't seen in ages!  Gonna laugh with my kids and and smile and forget all of my worries for a little while and maybe I will be able to get my mind back on track....Maybe.