Clarity? Is that what this is? Realizing that I deserve better than this. Realizing that I do not have to be depressed or sad because of choices that he made to ruin what I thought was supposed to be my happily ever after.
I am finding things to do that only include ME. I have never done anything alone before, and I am honestly not 100% sure how to do it, but staying out of bed has been key to figuring it out.
I don't know if I will ever love or try for anyone the way that I love and tried for him, so at this point in the juncture I am just trying to love and try for myself, because I deserve that from somewhere.
Learning about my codependency has been important to getting over this. I realize that I am now in recovery, and it will be a long road, but a worthy road but one that I will have to fight against for the rest of my life in any and every relationship what I encounter.
I have always been the one to fix everything, for everyone, and 99% of the time I failed at it, which would drive me absolutely insane!!! But it has really taken these last few weeks to realize that I cannot control anything but myself and in that I must remain content. I need to learn that some things around me will never be the way that I want them and the only thing that I can do is learn how to react to them.
I want to try to blog more, reflections are so important in this process for me, to see where I have been and where I am going, I would like to look back in a year, 2 years, 5 years and think Damn, look at me.
I made the decision after my husband has been telling me that he wants to work things out with me, that I will not be with a drunk. He would have to completely stop drinking. And that in itself has brought on a new insight to the person that he is and what his disease actually does to his thinking. We are currently not talking and with that I am content that I am making a good decision.
I wish that I wasn't pushed to that decision, but ultimately it is the one that I was faced with and the one that I had to make for myself. It is the best decision I could possibly make for myself, my children and my marriage. If he chooses to get sober, if he chooses to pick himself over alcohol, if he chooses to go to counseling and get himself under control then I cannot say what the future will hold. It sucks though that in my mind, no one compares to the love that I had for that man. No one. But I am starting to. My love for myself has come a long way in these past couple weeks, I am getting more and more stable by the day, less up and downs in my insecurities and less inaccurate thoughts of where I want to see myself in a year.
I will continue to go to meetings at least twice a week, I will continue to learn from others where I should be on this road to recovery. I am ready, I am ready finally to accept the life that I can live and not merely tolerate.
