Repetition

I guess it is just that I get so tired sometimes of repeating the same things from my past.  You would think that I had learned from my past mistakes and would not want to relive them, but it is this damn wall that gets in my way.  I can't help but get upset.

Here is the scenario:

My bf and I have decided to work together to get 11 and 15 on board to listen and to be good, do chores, be respectful, etc. etc.  And everything was going pretty good.  Last week, the kids slipped one time, and he was all like "Just forget it, they will never listen to me, so I am just going to let them do whatever they want, and you can deal with it when you get home", ummmm ok?  I have always dealt with it, so nothing new, but that is just one less thing that he is doing that he said he would help me with.

So he got back on board, it was his birthday over the weekend, I did everything he wanted to do, I toted his drunk ass around, hung out completely sober with his drunk friends, did everything that I was supposed to do, and all with a smile on my face.

Today while I am at work, he came home and got mad, 11 and 15 were home because they had poison ivy.  They had done quite a few of their chores and the house was far from dirty.  Nevertheless he got mad, and blew up on me, again via facebook......like I did it.  So I snapped back.

He told me that he was going to stay somewhere else tonight, I told him that was his decision, however if he stayed somewhere else tonight, he needed to just STAY there.....he was like "for good?" well duh, if I am not good enough to come home and work things out with tonight, then I am not good enough to come home to tomorrow.

He is used to young girlfriends, not girlfriends who have lived the life I have lived.  Clearly.

So he came home, went strait to the bedroom and that is where he stayed.  We have not spoken, he may as well have stayed somewhere else.  Because him being here, has only put me on the couch for the night.

Quite frankly I am sick of him being such a jerk.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is always taking what other people do wrong out on me, and it is really sincerely quite bs.

I have no idea how much longer I am going to deal with this, probably not going to be able to handle it much longer.  I want him to understand that I am not the one for this, and that all he has to do is talk to me, and he doesn't have to be such a jerk to me all of the time.  But I don't know if he is learning that or not.....

My wall is going back up, I can feel myself distancing myself, most times when this happens I want to cry, and I get all upset.....I do not feel sad tonight, I don't even feel mad....I feel sorry for him because he is self sabotaging himself, and our relationship.....and I am really good about severing ties, and moving on.....it is pretty much all I know.

I just want so much more with him.  I feel as though maybe he just feels like I am a "stopping point" in his life.  Like maybe a forever to him DOES mean a couple months, or a couple of years....I just want a forever, and that has always seemed like too much to ask....

I am starting to get worried, because I am sick of wasting years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, of my life.......if I continue to see it as wasted time and he continues to be more hassle than help then I am going to have to back out.....

Damn it.

Emergency Contact?

This is a kicker, it kind of brings it all back home.

I went to the emergency room yesterday, because I had an impaction in my ear, let me be the 1st to tell you, that is the most painful thing in the WORLD!!!!

As I was going through registration the woman says: Who would you like to list as your emergency contact.....


There was a huge delay, as I ran through my head the very small list of people who are "of age" and would actually care if something emergency like happened to me.....

Mom- in the psychiatric hospital
Dad- Dead
Mom's Family- strangers
Dad's Family- strangers
Boyfriend- 3 months
Brother- lost his # and have not spoke to him in awhile
Brother's Mom- I use her for everything =/ but have not seen her in awhile.
My best friend- we have become distant in the last few months. She does not seem to want to be bothered by me and what I have going on in my life, she has her own life and things going on too.

And there it was......my list.......now who to choose from that.

I opted for my boyfriend.

It is a terrible feeling to realize that tiny list is of the people outside of my children MAY care if something happened to me in the hospital.

I guess it was just a sad scary realization once again that I truly only really have ME to count on in this life, me and my kiddo's now if 17 would hurry up and turn 18, I would list him.  But they said that it had to be someone "of age".......

Still won't change the fact that very small list is my life.....

Sometimes I just don't get it, I struggle everyday to prove myself to everyone, anyone, and in the process I get shut out time and time again......makes no sense to me.

I wonder what it would have been like to have parents who cared, a family who cared.

But that is as far as it goes......it is a wonder.....because I will never know.