The relationship continued....

So things have taken a weird turn, it seems like since I have chosen to withdraw myself from our relationship and not care what takes place and what doesn't he is getting bothered by it, and taking more and more notice to it by the day.

Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me.  I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.

However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time.  I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire.  So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad.  I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.

I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.

This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.

Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.

8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.

Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me.  I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.

I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day.  None of this is what I want to do.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.

So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him?  Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out.  A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am.  But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever.  But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.

I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.

I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......

The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.

I am losing it.  All of it.  My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.

Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.

</3

The relationship......

I have not blogged in a very long time, so I thought that since I was having a lot of emotional drawbacks, now would be a good time to touch on a lot of things that have my mind in a constand whirlwind of sorts.

I am in a relationship with a man that I love.

However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least. 

My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.

It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses.  He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link.  Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry.  My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.

In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us.  I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well.  He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....

I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.

Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't.  Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.

When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.

It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.

My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us.  No fair.

My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?

What do I do?  I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this?  I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....