The relationship......

I have not blogged in a very long time, so I thought that since I was having a lot of emotional drawbacks, now would be a good time to touch on a lot of things that have my mind in a constand whirlwind of sorts.

I am in a relationship with a man that I love.

However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least. 

My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.

It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses.  He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link.  Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry.  My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.

In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us.  I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well.  He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....

I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.

Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't.  Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.

When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.

It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.

My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us.  No fair.

My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?

What do I do?  I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this?  I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....