Life's Failures.....

It has always been known to me that I was not very good at a lot of things. 
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.

As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.

I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.

And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well.  I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids.  However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.

In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives.  You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it.  I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children.  But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.

I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.

8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.

15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.

12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.

So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do.  Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.

I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.

17 and 8 already live somewhere else.

Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well?  Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.

What do I do?  Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed?  I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.

This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....

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