3 years.......

I remember writing 3 years ago that I had found the man of my dreams......how he made my heart skip beats, how I lost my breath around him.  How I could look at him all day and never get tired of the way he looked....

Today- I can honestly say I am a broken woman.  I have tried and failed.  Tried and failed.  Tried and failed....tried and given up.

I feel empty most of the time, like I am always on the verge of tears.  Like I want to sleep the rest of this marriage away,  I don't want anyone else, but God forgive me- I don't want this.

I go to Al-Anon meetings......in secrecy.  So that I can figure out who I am again.  Behind this person I have created that is longing for love.  3 years, I am not the person I want to be, I am not the person I thought I would be, not the person I planned to be.  I am an empty shell of the person I am supposed to be.

I hide behind this smile and pretend it is all ok, when inside I am rotting away.  I cannot explain the loneliness I have felt in this relationship - I gave my heart to this man and he just put it in his pocket, and doesn't take care of it.  In the same pocket, on top of me are his addictions, his impulses, himself, and I am just weighted down in the bottom.  I can't breathe down here.

So what has this 3 years done for me?  It has robbed me of my happiness, my sanity, my security and my life.  I thought for sure 3 years would mean something, but it means nothing, just another date to write down, it is not sentimental, it holds no value.  It is just another day in hell.