Lonely.

and that is what it has become.  2015 I made a resolution to love my husband for the man that he is and not the man that I want him to be.

However, after falling asleep last night distant because lets face it going on almost 60 days without a hint of physical intimacy and remembering that it has only happened 2 times in the last 7 months is a lot to swallow.  I thought a lot last night.  I thought about our argument on Christmas and how he had gotten so drunk he didn't help me at all put out our presents for the kids, and then on Christmas day the cycle continued and he passed out at 7:30pm.  I thought about the talk we had about drinking and how his words burned into my brain:

"I think it would be wrong of you to ask me not to drink anymore"

My response was "I never asked you that"

But looking at my take on it is OK I never asked him not to drink, and it would be wrong of me to ask that of him, however he expects me to live my everyday without intimacy which is obviously ranking in the same department alcohol is to him.

We are rounding 3 years and I don't know what to do.  I am trying to be the wife he wants, but the husband I want went away a long time ago, never to return.

I am trying.  God knows that I am trying.  But it is hard, it is unfair and it is like I am not in a marriage at all, I am in a single household with a man who doesn't want to love me.  He says he loves me, we will even make plans to be intimate, but the follow through is never there.

I just want to cry all of the time.

But I don't I am much too strong for that, I will not let this battle among the many others that I have fought break me.  I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved, and this I know.

One day I am going to wake up and realize this is not the life I want.  One day I am going to realize that my butterflies don't have to be dead and I am going to have the strength to awaken them like never before.  One day this will all just be a dream and I will be able to obtain what I want.

Until then it is a mystery on how to get that.

I love my husband with all of me and I don't want anyone else, but where does that leave me if everything I want is from a person who will never be able to give it to me..... A person who doesn't care to meet my needs.  A person who believes his needs are the only ones that are important, and thinks it is wrong for me to take away his needs, but thinks it is wrong for me to want for mine.....

Married now.....Over a year.

I haven't written in awhile.  I don't know if it is because I like keeping my feelings bottled up, or if it is just that I have been so overwhelmingly busy, oh wait, I remember, the day that I decided to share this blog with my then boyfriend, now husband, and he freaked out, telling me that I only write bad things about him, and I share them with ALL of my friends, because OBVIOUSLY I write this blog in the first person.

Post from Anonymous-
I can do this.  I can hold my head up and pretend that nothing bothers me.  I have lived my whole life this way.  I can pretend that everything is perfect, I can keep a smile on my face despite the fact that I am dying inside.  I can do it.  I just don't want to.

I have explained numerous times to this man that I love with every part of me everything I have written in my past posts.  That I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted.  Here we are sitting on the edge of 3 years together, over a year of that time married. Married ha.  A marriage build on materialistic bullshit and LIES to get me there.  Empty promises and false hopes.  Sign me up.  I trust you.  He cried on our wedding day.  We said our vows, we were actually married.  That night he got so drunk that I had to carry him into our home and lay him on the couch.  He was so heavy and lifeless.  He got what he wanted.  A big party, with all of his friends.  Afterwards at the bar. Someone to take care of him, drive him home, carry him in, undress him and not make a big fuss in the morning because our marriage would remain unconsummated for days after.  Bite your tongue.  This is your husband.  Things will get better.  But they don't.

Things remain constant.  Things remain the same if not worse than they were in our earlier months, our earlier years, only now our life has much more added stress.  But it is all my stress.  I got this.  Don't worry, you just keep doing you and I will keep doing everything for everyone, including you.

I am tired.  I am broken.  Most days I don't want to fight for this marriage because I am obviously fighting alone.

It is Thanksgiving Night. Well I guess it is passed that now.  It is 12:10am on November 28, 2014.  My husband has been drinking beer since 10am on Thanksgiving.  On Monday, my mother was involuntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital.  Last week my son who is now 10, was admitted into a psychiatric hospital, and tonight I feel the weight of it all hitting me.  I don't like to be treated poorly just because my husband has an alcohol problem.  I have a lot of things going on in my world that I deal with by myself to add "drunken asshole husband" to the list of things that I have to worry about.

I just want him to get it, although after almost 3 years, he still has not.

Random update- I have not spoken to 17 (now 20) in almost 2 years.  I am however aware that he is incarcerated on charges that have nothing to do with his previous offense.

15 (now 18) is living across town from me with his girlfriend in their own apartment.

12 (now almost 15) is living at home with me and doing very well, with the exception of some distraught attitudes and sadness that have been brought on by the same things that cause me to fight, flight or freeze.

8 (who is now almost 11)  is still living with his dad.  Aside from his last hospital visit, things seem to be going okay for him, he now takes 3 medications, and they seem to have regulated his mood quite nicely.  He is doing well, for now.  Hopefully it continues.

My husband's children have also moved in with us.  I love them both dearly and I treat them as my own even though the tables are not turned that way for my children.  Even today his son asked him why he has he and his brothers names tattooed on his forearms and my husband responded, because I only have 2 kids.  That's funny, because I have SIX. Oh well.

He is currently passed out in our bed.  He stumbled down the stairs after passing out on the couch upstairs, and passed me without saying a word and went to bed.  Fine.  I am so used to it, but it doesn't stop the emptiness from pulsing through every part of my body.

My thoughts......

I feel as though I have fallen in love with someone who I am not compatible with at all.  Someone who does not love me the way that I want to be loved and someone who doesn't love my children the way the need to be loved.

I want so much out of this life, but I feel as though I am setting everything I want on the back burner to allow for things that do not matter at all.  Things like TV, beer, arguing, etc.  Nothing that spells out happiness to me in the long run.

I feel as though he is constantly trying to find ways to get my children in trouble although my children have done everything he asks, although it is never good enough.  My older son avoids him to prevent being accused of things, but it consistently happens anyways.  My younger son tries so hard to break his tough exterior, but to no avail, he always seems to get his feelings hurt in the process of trying.

I feel the same as my younger son, like I beg and beg for his attention and he just turns the other cheek, due to the fact that it doesn't quite meet up to what he wants to be doing at the time.  I really feel as though this IS the life that he wants to live, but WE are not the people that he wants to live it with.  He says he does, but his actions prove otherwise. 

I have decided to stop doing everything, I mean I am still going through the motions, but I am going through them completely emotionless.  It has only been 3 days, and he is already on to the fact that I am treating him the same way he has been treating me for over a year.  I don't know what he wants from me.  When I want his attention, I beg and plead for it, it turns into a fight and then it leaves me feeling more lonely than I was in the beginning, and then it goes back to the exact same way that it was.  I am getting more and more distant by the day and I know that he can feel it, but I don't know what else to do.  I cannot continue to let him hurt me. 

He says that he has changed so much, but it must all be in his head, because what he says he is doing so much of, no one can see, except him obviously =/

I want to marry this man, but I don't even know if we are going to make it through our 2nd year together because he doesn't understand what he is doing to me emotionally.

There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are days when I would rather go to bed before he gets home from work, there are even those days that are getting more and more frequent that I would rather take a handful of pills and hope that I can sleep until forever.  Not that I would ever do that, but God sometimes I want to.  Just because the way he makes me feel is like I don't matter to him at all and that breaks my heart.

The looks I see on my children's faces when they get let down by him yet again breaks my heart, and he just doesn't get it.  I really think we need some type of counseling if we are going to make this work although he sees nothing wrong with the way we are living our life....so what do you do with the person who has no issues with how much he is hurting you?  Clearly it can never be changed because he doesn't acknowledge it.

I am miserable, I miss who I used to be, I miss who my kids used to be, and I miss the man that I fell in love with..... clearly not the man that I have been left with.

This is so hard. 

How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?

I don't want to live my life without him, but I cannot stand the games that he plays or the way he sabotages our lives....

When do we get the FAMILY that I keep talking about and that I keep dreaming about?

When does it become about all of us, and not just HIM???

My heart is on the line here........

Praying for a Miracle.....

As it would seem life has finally started to slow down.  But that too comes with its own challenges.  I had to kick 18 and his girlfriend out of my house, because they could not pass a drug test.  Which made 3 months before I was able to see my grandson, however I have now seen him twice in the last 2 weeks.  They broke up and she has been allowing me to see him again.  I appreciate that. 

16 has been having struggles of his own.  I have dealt with a lot with him, but with a new set of rules, hopefully things will start to straighten out.

12 is doing as well as he possibly can, he is doing amazing in comparison to how he had been doing in the past.

9 is doing GREAT at his dads, however he asked me last weekend if I could go back to court so he could come back and live with me, and as much as it pains me I talked to him and his dad and I hope he understands that what we are doing allowing him to continue to live with his father is the best possible choice for him.

18 is a lost cause unfortunately, he has moved 4 hours away from me, and has not spoken to me since December 28th.  It is probably better that way, much less drama, much less chaos. 

As far as me, I guess I have just become this needy, clingy girlfriend who wants nothing more than to be loved by my boyfriend, however he does not seem to have the intimacy level that I dream of.  I want to be close to him always, I want to be a family with him and my kids and his kids, but a "family" seems like a far cry from what we are.  I want to take pictures with him, and cuddle him, but as much as I beg, and cry and plead with him, it just seems like that is a distant fairy tale dream of mine that will probably never take place.

I want to get married and have a real shot at a real future with our kids and the man of my dreams.  I want him to realize that he is my hopes and my dreams and my future.  I want him to quit accusing me of cheating on him and quit letting his "day" affect our home life.  I want him to come to me and kiss me for no reason, grab my hand, pull me close, run his fingers through my hair, but all of that seems like it is just out of his grasp and maybe he is not built that way, but I wish he would realize how much it would mean to me.

My kids want a "dad", something they have never had in their lives and it seems like every time I choose someone to put into their lives, it does not work out for them.  No one wants to be the father figure to kids "like mine" I guess.  Although it is so not fair to them, and it is not fair to me.

I have been cycling into this huge depressive state that I really don't want to be in, but every time I bring it up to him he says that he IS in fact doing all of the things that I know he isn't....

I don't know what to do or say anymore, because when I put my feelings on the table and when I open my heart to him it causes us to fight and then we pull apart more than we already are, because I desperately want him close, not to drive him farther and farther away from me.

So how to 2 people who claim to love each other survive - even if they have different levels of expectancy from the person that they love?  Like I crave being close to him, he has no desire to make ANY physical contact unless it is sexual and that is rare.  He has no desire to just come up to me out of the blue and kiss me.....no desire to look into my eyes and fall in love with me all over again, however that is what I do with him every day.  I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings of loneliness that I feel, and not because I want to be touched in general, but because I want to be touched by him.

I am going to make it a point to remember the saying - "Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have".

And just wait, and hope that is enough.

In the meantime, I am going to be the best possible mother I can be to my children, I am going to be the best possible girlfriend I can be to my boyfriend, I am going to be the best possible house cleaner, dinner cooker, and employee that I can be....I am just going to spend time bettering myself, and maybe I can fill that void of neediness that I have with something else.

"I want a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous"

Maybe one day.....but for today, I am going to bide my time, love myself, love my kids, love my house, love my job.....and I will prevail. 

Hopefully one day everyone that I put so much time, energy, devotion and love into will wake up and see how much I do for them and how deep my love is for them (my kids and my boyfriend) and realize that time, love and respect are not that hard to give back....especially when it is demanded from them.....

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The relationship (continued- 02/10/2013)

Things got bad, then they got better, then they got worse and now that is kind of where they sit.  He and I are barely on communicating standards, much less anything else.  I have been getting physical with him and have lashed out at him on several occassions now.  I can't seem to help it, because my emotions are so out of whack.  I try so hard to make him happy and it does not seem like anything ever will.  I am losing myself in the process of trying to find him and that scares me.

I love this man with everything I am.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I could not imagine being with anyone but him, but I'm scared.  I scared of how things are going to turn out if we don't get a handle on it really soon.  But we are both so stubborn and our pasts get the best of us a lot.

Last night he checked our phone records and swore I was talking to "some other guy", after I proved him wrong things just got weird like always, I am afraid that we are losing ourselves and that is such a scary place to be.  Especially when all I want to do is love him, and I want so desperately for him to love me the way that I want to be loved.  But I'm fearful that we are kicking a dead horse here, because I don't know that it will ever be that way.

It has been awhile 2/10/2013

It has been awhile since I have blogged, so I guess I should start with the obvious.
17 turned 18 and with that became chaos, a loss of sense of direction, lies, stealing, drugs, etc. etc.  I kicked him and his girlfriend out on December 23rd, on December 28th they came and got their stuff from my home after a major dispute and I have not spoken to them since.  I have not seen the grandbaby in 2 months, and honestly it has been less chaotic, less drama and less negative.  I believe by my other children, I made the right decision.

16 and 12 are doing well, I have had to crack down with rules and such, so they are both grounded, however their attitudes have been improving everyday.  I am very proud of the progress they have made since 18 and his gf have been out of the picture.

8 is doing well, he is making good grades, has good behavior and his dad and I are getting along better than we ever have for his sake...

The relationship continued....

So things have taken a weird turn, it seems like since I have chosen to withdraw myself from our relationship and not care what takes place and what doesn't he is getting bothered by it, and taking more and more notice to it by the day.

Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me.  I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.

However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time.  I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire.  So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad.  I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.

I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.

This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.

Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.

8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.

Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me.  I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.

I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day.  None of this is what I want to do.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.

So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him?  Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out.  A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am.  But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever.  But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.

I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.

I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......

The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.

I am losing it.  All of it.  My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.

Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.

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