Life's Failures.....

It has always been known to me that I was not very good at a lot of things. 
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.

As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.

I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.

And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well.  I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids.  However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.

In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives.  You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it.  I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children.  But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.

I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.

8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.

15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.

12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.

So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do.  Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.

I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.

17 and 8 already live somewhere else.

Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well?  Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.

What do I do?  Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed?  I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.

This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....

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And then there were 3.....

Well 17 has disowned me.....

I cannot say that this doesn't hurt, but for the meantime I guess it is his choice.

I am paying for 15's cell phone bill.  17's cell phone is currently shut off.  Because he did not pay his bill.
Please remember 17 has made the decision to be an adult, to not live with me, to have a pregnant girlfriend, to have a job, to take himself off of his medications.

I am in no way responsible for his cell phone.

However, if he wants to be mad at me, and hate me because of it, then more power to him.

I cannot believe that he is being this way and it really hurts, but in the same hand I feel like I have done all there is to do for him, and if he wants to disassociate himself from my life then that is on him.

It is sad really that he cannot see everything that I have done for him.  That I have loved him unconditionally and will continue to love him unconditionally forever.

But if we are no longer Mother/Son, and he wants to cuss at me and call me by my 1st name, then I guess we can be on that level....

Always and Forever I will love him, however I do not have to tolerate his behavior and choices towards me.

I hope he realizes by choosing to hate me, he is also punishing his brothers, who he will not see, nor communicate with until he talks to me....I will not have him bashing me to my other children.

My Love Horoscope 6-6-12

Your Love Horoscope

You may be going through some negative energy period in your romantic affairs, Leo, but this is a period that is short lived. Whether you are single or attached, you may be finding yourself somewhat distressed over the energy that is present in your love life, and this will lead you into some moments of withdrawal. If you are feeling like you need to avoid any serious discussions or potential arguments, then your instinct is telling you to take some down time for you today. Take a break from any major decisions or conversation when it comes to love. If it feels to heavy, just take a time out today and find something that fulfills you, even if it means some time alone.

New Happenings.......

Well a lot of new things have taken place since I last wrote here on this blog.....

I will touch base on many things, elaborate on some and try and fill in some details of significant things.

We will start with 17.

He GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! He did it, and I am very proud of him!!!! He got a job where he gets very minimal hours, but he goes every time he is scheduled, he and his girlfriend are preparing for their child to be born in September and are making future plans to be successful parents......very pleased with this situation at the moment.

15- failed the 9th grade, has to attend summer school that he is not interested in going to either, tells me school is stupid, tells me I am stupid, as are his brothers and my boyfriend, and anything that he can label....has no drive or motivation to do anything that is not beneficial to him, just behaving badly all the way around.  But blames me for it.

11 is now 12 =)
He has been admitted to a Children's Mental Hospital for 5 days, has had his diagnosis' changed and is on a new medication, seems to be doing well, I will touch base on this in another post because it is kind of long.

8- Doing great, very happy - could not be more pleased with the situation.

My mom- Long term residential care facility that she started  May 29, 2012, it is a phasing program where she will learn daily living skills for 8-18 months, then move forward to transitional living for 8-18 months to prove that she can apply those skills, and then on to an apartment that will be staffed 24 hours, however she will have her own space again and maybe be able to succeed fully for the rest of her days.....She is mad at me, but we can only hope for the best, I personally do not care, she can hate me the rest of her days....as long as she is fed, clothed, taken care of, clean, stable and has her medications properly administered to her, I could really care less how mad at me she is....at least she is safe!!!

My relationship- we are doing amazing!!!! We have definitely had a few days where we were unsure how steady the road was going to be....but we have found our place, and we are happy in it!!!! I love him more every day!!!