Repetition

I guess it is just that I get so tired sometimes of repeating the same things from my past.  You would think that I had learned from my past mistakes and would not want to relive them, but it is this damn wall that gets in my way.  I can't help but get upset.

Here is the scenario:

My bf and I have decided to work together to get 11 and 15 on board to listen and to be good, do chores, be respectful, etc. etc.  And everything was going pretty good.  Last week, the kids slipped one time, and he was all like "Just forget it, they will never listen to me, so I am just going to let them do whatever they want, and you can deal with it when you get home", ummmm ok?  I have always dealt with it, so nothing new, but that is just one less thing that he is doing that he said he would help me with.

So he got back on board, it was his birthday over the weekend, I did everything he wanted to do, I toted his drunk ass around, hung out completely sober with his drunk friends, did everything that I was supposed to do, and all with a smile on my face.

Today while I am at work, he came home and got mad, 11 and 15 were home because they had poison ivy.  They had done quite a few of their chores and the house was far from dirty.  Nevertheless he got mad, and blew up on me, again via facebook......like I did it.  So I snapped back.

He told me that he was going to stay somewhere else tonight, I told him that was his decision, however if he stayed somewhere else tonight, he needed to just STAY there.....he was like "for good?" well duh, if I am not good enough to come home and work things out with tonight, then I am not good enough to come home to tomorrow.

He is used to young girlfriends, not girlfriends who have lived the life I have lived.  Clearly.

So he came home, went strait to the bedroom and that is where he stayed.  We have not spoken, he may as well have stayed somewhere else.  Because him being here, has only put me on the couch for the night.

Quite frankly I am sick of him being such a jerk.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is always taking what other people do wrong out on me, and it is really sincerely quite bs.

I have no idea how much longer I am going to deal with this, probably not going to be able to handle it much longer.  I want him to understand that I am not the one for this, and that all he has to do is talk to me, and he doesn't have to be such a jerk to me all of the time.  But I don't know if he is learning that or not.....

My wall is going back up, I can feel myself distancing myself, most times when this happens I want to cry, and I get all upset.....I do not feel sad tonight, I don't even feel mad....I feel sorry for him because he is self sabotaging himself, and our relationship.....and I am really good about severing ties, and moving on.....it is pretty much all I know.

I just want so much more with him.  I feel as though maybe he just feels like I am a "stopping point" in his life.  Like maybe a forever to him DOES mean a couple months, or a couple of years....I just want a forever, and that has always seemed like too much to ask....

I am starting to get worried, because I am sick of wasting years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, of my life.......if I continue to see it as wasted time and he continues to be more hassle than help then I am going to have to back out.....

Damn it.

Emergency Contact?

This is a kicker, it kind of brings it all back home.

I went to the emergency room yesterday, because I had an impaction in my ear, let me be the 1st to tell you, that is the most painful thing in the WORLD!!!!

As I was going through registration the woman says: Who would you like to list as your emergency contact.....


There was a huge delay, as I ran through my head the very small list of people who are "of age" and would actually care if something emergency like happened to me.....

Mom- in the psychiatric hospital
Dad- Dead
Mom's Family- strangers
Dad's Family- strangers
Boyfriend- 3 months
Brother- lost his # and have not spoke to him in awhile
Brother's Mom- I use her for everything =/ but have not seen her in awhile.
My best friend- we have become distant in the last few months. She does not seem to want to be bothered by me and what I have going on in my life, she has her own life and things going on too.

And there it was......my list.......now who to choose from that.

I opted for my boyfriend.

It is a terrible feeling to realize that tiny list is of the people outside of my children MAY care if something happened to me in the hospital.

I guess it was just a sad scary realization once again that I truly only really have ME to count on in this life, me and my kiddo's now if 17 would hurry up and turn 18, I would list him.  But they said that it had to be someone "of age".......

Still won't change the fact that very small list is my life.....

Sometimes I just don't get it, I struggle everyday to prove myself to everyone, anyone, and in the process I get shut out time and time again......makes no sense to me.

I wonder what it would have been like to have parents who cared, a family who cared.

But that is as far as it goes......it is a wonder.....because I will never know.

My mother.......

If I have any personally known readers, (I know I have a few) who know anything about me, it is that my mother has some major mental health issues.  I mean seriously.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior.  It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population.  The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior. 

Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that has affected people throughout history. About 1 percent of Americans have this illness.  People with the disorder may hear voices other people don't hear. They may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. This can terrify people with the illness and make them withdrawn or extremely agitated.
People with schizophrenia may not make sense when they talk. They may sit for hours without moving or talking. Sometimes people with schizophrenia seem perfectly fine until they talk about what they are really thinking.  Families and society are affected by schizophrenia too. Many people with schizophrenia have difficulty holding a job or caring for themselves, so they rely on others for help.

 Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Major Depression Disorder- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.

These are her MAIN disorders.

Anyways she had another "SPELL" and when I say that I believe that to be more than one of her disorders coming out at the same time brightly and her losing her sanity ground.

She ended up in the psychiatric hospital and upon discharge will be admitted into a residential housing fairly close to my home.

I can't help but feel bad, like I have given up on her......but I haven't........hopefully she will learn that one day.  However I can't help but feel like this is going to be the closing point to our relationship. =/

 

The Temporary Post.....

I probably won't leave this post up very long, for many reasons, mainly because I am afraid it will stumble into the wrong hands and that someone will find out that it is about ME and MY life, and then that will just lead to a whole bunch of other issues.

Anyways, here goes.

Tuesday- after I got my divorce, I had a plan.  My boyfriend was supposed to be home around 3:30 and so was I, so we were going to work on the downstairs and get it ready for us to put our room down there, but since my divorce finally went through, I thought ah, we will just go to dinner, you know and celebrate.

I did not mention it to the boyfriend.  Just because he should have been home at 3:30 anyways.

4:15- text received- have to run an errand be home soon.

8:00- he shows up.

I had already went out and purchased dinner for EVERYONE and his was in the microwave.

I told him where his dinner was and walked outside to smoke.

He followed me out and asked if I was mad.

"Not mad, just disappointed"

His words were jumbled, I could just tell......"have you been drinking" I asked him.

"yes"

"And driving" I said.

"yes"

(He has 2 DUI's on his driving record and currently has a revoked license)

"Now I am mad", I got up and went upstairs to my room.

Several hours later we had a little dispute on facebook, and he decided to sleep in the basement on the floor.

WHATEVER!!!!

He didn't speak to me when he woke up in the morning, and was gone before I woke up.

Didn't hear anything from him for hours.

11:30am. Text.  "So where do we stand"

Really?

We had a rather extensive conversation over facebook about him always saying he should leave, everytime we get into an argument, he thinks he needs to leave.  I told him I wouldn't stop him and if that is what he wanted then please by all means....LEAVE!!!!

I don't want him to leave, but I am also not going to stop him.

Last night we had a major conversation:

I told him he was NOT a good boyfriend.  I do everything, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean, I cook, I do the laundry....he does what he wants, when he wants, he spends his money the way he wants, and his time the way he wants, and I am left to do that much more work for another person in my household.

I called bullshit.

I told him it was never going to work like this and that he needed to start doing what needed to be done to continue in a relationship with me.

I tried to be steady but serious, but not come off as too much of a bitch.

He seemed to understand, even told me to make him give me his paycheck on Friday (yea right) I told him I would not ask him for his money, but if he wanted me to handle his money then I would and I would make it last for him, and still pay bills and stuff.

Before we fell asleep he asked me for $10.00!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

He makes TWO TIMES as much as I make, I have paid for freaking literally EVERYTHING and he is out of money 2 days before payday!!!!!!

I asked him where all of his money went.

He really had no answer.

We will see what Friday brings.

God I love that man with all of me, but I do not need to care for anyone else....for a change I would like it if someone cared for me!!!!!!

Finally Divorced!!!!!

Well after almost 10 years of marriage (7 of which we have been separated) I am legally divorced.

It has not really changed my day to day living much, my last name changed, I have 21 pages where a Judge has signed on what is in the best interest of my children......however nothing is really any different.

Just Divorced.

My grandbaby is a....................

Well I just found out yesterday that I am going to have a grandson.

He is due September 19, 2012.

They are naming him Hayze Nathaniel.

I got to see the ultrasound yesterday, and he is a feisty little guy, kicking and moving and wiggling around.  I was happy to see 17 so excited, he wanted a boy.

I think he will be a good dad =)

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

Things couldn't be better.  It is like a dropped all of my worries, my fears, my everything and just started to love, and being loved in return couldn't be better.

I love this man with everything I am.  I keep talking to him about possibly getting married when we are 50 years old.  lol.  

Last night I said to him:  Let's run away and get married in Las Vegas.  He said "when", baffled by his answer I said "July...................................2040", he said "well the world is supposed to end in December of THIS year", I was like oh...well July of this year then.......we just stopped the conversation, but at least I know he is thinking of this for the long run as well and that sets my mind at ease SO much!!!!

he undoubtedly has my heart and I am very able to say I am happily taken,and totally in love <3!!!!!