The relationship continued....

So things have taken a weird turn, it seems like since I have chosen to withdraw myself from our relationship and not care what takes place and what doesn't he is getting bothered by it, and taking more and more notice to it by the day.

Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me.  I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.

However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time.  I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire.  So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad.  I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.

I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.

This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.

Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.

8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.

Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me.  I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.

I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day.  None of this is what I want to do.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.

So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him?  Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out.  A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am.  But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever.  But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.

I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.

I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......

The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.

I am losing it.  All of it.  My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.

Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.

</3

The relationship......

I have not blogged in a very long time, so I thought that since I was having a lot of emotional drawbacks, now would be a good time to touch on a lot of things that have my mind in a constand whirlwind of sorts.

I am in a relationship with a man that I love.

However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least. 

My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.

It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses.  He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link.  Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry.  My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.

In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us.  I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well.  He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....

I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.

Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't.  Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.

When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.

It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.

My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us.  No fair.

My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?

What do I do?  I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this?  I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....

Life's Failures.....

It has always been known to me that I was not very good at a lot of things. 
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.

As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.

I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.

And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well.  I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids.  However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.

In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives.  You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it.  I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children.  But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.

I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.

8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.

15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.

12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.

So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do.  Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.

I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.

17 and 8 already live somewhere else.

Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well?  Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.

What do I do?  Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed?  I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.

This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....

</3

And then there were 3.....

Well 17 has disowned me.....

I cannot say that this doesn't hurt, but for the meantime I guess it is his choice.

I am paying for 15's cell phone bill.  17's cell phone is currently shut off.  Because he did not pay his bill.
Please remember 17 has made the decision to be an adult, to not live with me, to have a pregnant girlfriend, to have a job, to take himself off of his medications.

I am in no way responsible for his cell phone.

However, if he wants to be mad at me, and hate me because of it, then more power to him.

I cannot believe that he is being this way and it really hurts, but in the same hand I feel like I have done all there is to do for him, and if he wants to disassociate himself from my life then that is on him.

It is sad really that he cannot see everything that I have done for him.  That I have loved him unconditionally and will continue to love him unconditionally forever.

But if we are no longer Mother/Son, and he wants to cuss at me and call me by my 1st name, then I guess we can be on that level....

Always and Forever I will love him, however I do not have to tolerate his behavior and choices towards me.

I hope he realizes by choosing to hate me, he is also punishing his brothers, who he will not see, nor communicate with until he talks to me....I will not have him bashing me to my other children.

My Love Horoscope 6-6-12

Your Love Horoscope

You may be going through some negative energy period in your romantic affairs, Leo, but this is a period that is short lived. Whether you are single or attached, you may be finding yourself somewhat distressed over the energy that is present in your love life, and this will lead you into some moments of withdrawal. If you are feeling like you need to avoid any serious discussions or potential arguments, then your instinct is telling you to take some down time for you today. Take a break from any major decisions or conversation when it comes to love. If it feels to heavy, just take a time out today and find something that fulfills you, even if it means some time alone.

New Happenings.......

Well a lot of new things have taken place since I last wrote here on this blog.....

I will touch base on many things, elaborate on some and try and fill in some details of significant things.

We will start with 17.

He GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! He did it, and I am very proud of him!!!! He got a job where he gets very minimal hours, but he goes every time he is scheduled, he and his girlfriend are preparing for their child to be born in September and are making future plans to be successful parents......very pleased with this situation at the moment.

15- failed the 9th grade, has to attend summer school that he is not interested in going to either, tells me school is stupid, tells me I am stupid, as are his brothers and my boyfriend, and anything that he can label....has no drive or motivation to do anything that is not beneficial to him, just behaving badly all the way around.  But blames me for it.

11 is now 12 =)
He has been admitted to a Children's Mental Hospital for 5 days, has had his diagnosis' changed and is on a new medication, seems to be doing well, I will touch base on this in another post because it is kind of long.

8- Doing great, very happy - could not be more pleased with the situation.

My mom- Long term residential care facility that she started  May 29, 2012, it is a phasing program where she will learn daily living skills for 8-18 months, then move forward to transitional living for 8-18 months to prove that she can apply those skills, and then on to an apartment that will be staffed 24 hours, however she will have her own space again and maybe be able to succeed fully for the rest of her days.....She is mad at me, but we can only hope for the best, I personally do not care, she can hate me the rest of her days....as long as she is fed, clothed, taken care of, clean, stable and has her medications properly administered to her, I could really care less how mad at me she is....at least she is safe!!!

My relationship- we are doing amazing!!!! We have definitely had a few days where we were unsure how steady the road was going to be....but we have found our place, and we are happy in it!!!! I love him more every day!!!

Repetition

I guess it is just that I get so tired sometimes of repeating the same things from my past.  You would think that I had learned from my past mistakes and would not want to relive them, but it is this damn wall that gets in my way.  I can't help but get upset.

Here is the scenario:

My bf and I have decided to work together to get 11 and 15 on board to listen and to be good, do chores, be respectful, etc. etc.  And everything was going pretty good.  Last week, the kids slipped one time, and he was all like "Just forget it, they will never listen to me, so I am just going to let them do whatever they want, and you can deal with it when you get home", ummmm ok?  I have always dealt with it, so nothing new, but that is just one less thing that he is doing that he said he would help me with.

So he got back on board, it was his birthday over the weekend, I did everything he wanted to do, I toted his drunk ass around, hung out completely sober with his drunk friends, did everything that I was supposed to do, and all with a smile on my face.

Today while I am at work, he came home and got mad, 11 and 15 were home because they had poison ivy.  They had done quite a few of their chores and the house was far from dirty.  Nevertheless he got mad, and blew up on me, again via facebook......like I did it.  So I snapped back.

He told me that he was going to stay somewhere else tonight, I told him that was his decision, however if he stayed somewhere else tonight, he needed to just STAY there.....he was like "for good?" well duh, if I am not good enough to come home and work things out with tonight, then I am not good enough to come home to tomorrow.

He is used to young girlfriends, not girlfriends who have lived the life I have lived.  Clearly.

So he came home, went strait to the bedroom and that is where he stayed.  We have not spoken, he may as well have stayed somewhere else.  Because him being here, has only put me on the couch for the night.

Quite frankly I am sick of him being such a jerk.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is always taking what other people do wrong out on me, and it is really sincerely quite bs.

I have no idea how much longer I am going to deal with this, probably not going to be able to handle it much longer.  I want him to understand that I am not the one for this, and that all he has to do is talk to me, and he doesn't have to be such a jerk to me all of the time.  But I don't know if he is learning that or not.....

My wall is going back up, I can feel myself distancing myself, most times when this happens I want to cry, and I get all upset.....I do not feel sad tonight, I don't even feel mad....I feel sorry for him because he is self sabotaging himself, and our relationship.....and I am really good about severing ties, and moving on.....it is pretty much all I know.

I just want so much more with him.  I feel as though maybe he just feels like I am a "stopping point" in his life.  Like maybe a forever to him DOES mean a couple months, or a couple of years....I just want a forever, and that has always seemed like too much to ask....

I am starting to get worried, because I am sick of wasting years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, of my life.......if I continue to see it as wasted time and he continues to be more hassle than help then I am going to have to back out.....

Damn it.