My mother.......

If I have any personally known readers, (I know I have a few) who know anything about me, it is that my mother has some major mental health issues.  I mean seriously.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior.  It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population.  The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior. 

Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that has affected people throughout history. About 1 percent of Americans have this illness.  People with the disorder may hear voices other people don't hear. They may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. This can terrify people with the illness and make them withdrawn or extremely agitated.
People with schizophrenia may not make sense when they talk. They may sit for hours without moving or talking. Sometimes people with schizophrenia seem perfectly fine until they talk about what they are really thinking.  Families and society are affected by schizophrenia too. Many people with schizophrenia have difficulty holding a job or caring for themselves, so they rely on others for help.

 Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Major Depression Disorder- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.

These are her MAIN disorders.

Anyways she had another "SPELL" and when I say that I believe that to be more than one of her disorders coming out at the same time brightly and her losing her sanity ground.

She ended up in the psychiatric hospital and upon discharge will be admitted into a residential housing fairly close to my home.

I can't help but feel bad, like I have given up on her......but I haven't........hopefully she will learn that one day.  However I can't help but feel like this is going to be the closing point to our relationship. =/

 

The Temporary Post.....

I probably won't leave this post up very long, for many reasons, mainly because I am afraid it will stumble into the wrong hands and that someone will find out that it is about ME and MY life, and then that will just lead to a whole bunch of other issues.

Anyways, here goes.

Tuesday- after I got my divorce, I had a plan.  My boyfriend was supposed to be home around 3:30 and so was I, so we were going to work on the downstairs and get it ready for us to put our room down there, but since my divorce finally went through, I thought ah, we will just go to dinner, you know and celebrate.

I did not mention it to the boyfriend.  Just because he should have been home at 3:30 anyways.

4:15- text received- have to run an errand be home soon.

8:00- he shows up.

I had already went out and purchased dinner for EVERYONE and his was in the microwave.

I told him where his dinner was and walked outside to smoke.

He followed me out and asked if I was mad.

"Not mad, just disappointed"

His words were jumbled, I could just tell......"have you been drinking" I asked him.

"yes"

"And driving" I said.

"yes"

(He has 2 DUI's on his driving record and currently has a revoked license)

"Now I am mad", I got up and went upstairs to my room.

Several hours later we had a little dispute on facebook, and he decided to sleep in the basement on the floor.

WHATEVER!!!!

He didn't speak to me when he woke up in the morning, and was gone before I woke up.

Didn't hear anything from him for hours.

11:30am. Text.  "So where do we stand"

Really?

We had a rather extensive conversation over facebook about him always saying he should leave, everytime we get into an argument, he thinks he needs to leave.  I told him I wouldn't stop him and if that is what he wanted then please by all means....LEAVE!!!!

I don't want him to leave, but I am also not going to stop him.

Last night we had a major conversation:

I told him he was NOT a good boyfriend.  I do everything, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean, I cook, I do the laundry....he does what he wants, when he wants, he spends his money the way he wants, and his time the way he wants, and I am left to do that much more work for another person in my household.

I called bullshit.

I told him it was never going to work like this and that he needed to start doing what needed to be done to continue in a relationship with me.

I tried to be steady but serious, but not come off as too much of a bitch.

He seemed to understand, even told me to make him give me his paycheck on Friday (yea right) I told him I would not ask him for his money, but if he wanted me to handle his money then I would and I would make it last for him, and still pay bills and stuff.

Before we fell asleep he asked me for $10.00!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

He makes TWO TIMES as much as I make, I have paid for freaking literally EVERYTHING and he is out of money 2 days before payday!!!!!!

I asked him where all of his money went.

He really had no answer.

We will see what Friday brings.

God I love that man with all of me, but I do not need to care for anyone else....for a change I would like it if someone cared for me!!!!!!

Finally Divorced!!!!!

Well after almost 10 years of marriage (7 of which we have been separated) I am legally divorced.

It has not really changed my day to day living much, my last name changed, I have 21 pages where a Judge has signed on what is in the best interest of my children......however nothing is really any different.

Just Divorced.

My grandbaby is a....................

Well I just found out yesterday that I am going to have a grandson.

He is due September 19, 2012.

They are naming him Hayze Nathaniel.

I got to see the ultrasound yesterday, and he is a feisty little guy, kicking and moving and wiggling around.  I was happy to see 17 so excited, he wanted a boy.

I think he will be a good dad =)

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

Things couldn't be better.  It is like a dropped all of my worries, my fears, my everything and just started to love, and being loved in return couldn't be better.

I love this man with everything I am.  I keep talking to him about possibly getting married when we are 50 years old.  lol.  

Last night I said to him:  Let's run away and get married in Las Vegas.  He said "when", baffled by his answer I said "July...................................2040", he said "well the world is supposed to end in December of THIS year", I was like oh...well July of this year then.......we just stopped the conversation, but at least I know he is thinking of this for the long run as well and that sets my mind at ease SO much!!!!

he undoubtedly has my heart and I am very able to say I am happily taken,and totally in love <3!!!!!

Questioning Motives.....

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em

I am going to have to give you a tiny bit of history so that you understand where this is all coming from prior to telling you the story, so bear with me.

I was raised by my father.  

Definition of "My Father"- Drunk, Abusive, Vulgar, Scary, Harmful, Ignorant, Arrogant, Spiteful, Non-Trusting, Non-Caring, Drug User, Addict.......etc.  I am sure you get the picture.

My father abused me throughout much of my childhood, I believe it was due to the alcohol, and the drug use.  His friends were also users and abusers.  I was around them all, almost constantly.  I was a pretty sad, scared and angry child to say the least.

Fast Forward Several Years.

I was in a relationship with a man that I had known for several years (several being 17) when we 1st started out relationship I could tell he was very jealous, however that was one of the things that I liked about him in the beginning.  That jealousy soon turned into obsession, hate and rage, he inevitably controlled every move that I made and eventually turned his obsession into abuse.  1st time- I left.  Filed a restraining order and vowed to never deal with that again.  The way he made me feel emotionally was more than I could deal with, I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of him, that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, that feeling of being a child pushed up into a corner while my dad repeatedly struck me in the back of the head- he had that kind of power over me, the kind that made me remember things from my childhood that I pushed so far back I rarely thought of.  The feeling that brings tears to my eyes, however I do not share much insight into my past to anyone, so it is usually questionable to everyone as to why I am upset, or why do I look sad.  My usual answer is "I don't know", or "Maybe I am just emotional because it is getting closer to that time of the month".  

Few people know my history, I have allowed a few close people brief insights, but no one knows the half of it, and still I am unwilling to share that here at this moment.

Fast Forward to the Present and my reason for speaking of the aforementioned history.

So I have been in a relationship again with my new boyfriend for almost 3 months.  He is nothing like my ex, or my father.  However I still have that sinking feeling a lot.  I am unsure if it is just because I am waiting for something terrible to happen, or if I have trained myself that when I am in a "loving" relationship that I should not get comfortable because it will end eventually and I am trying to spare myself a broken heart?  I really am unsure, and I am sure he is confused by it.

He is- Amazing, sweet, super attractive, kind, hard worker, healthy, funny, wonderful, he has a drive to make me happy that I am not used to, he is hygienic and likes to make himself look nice, he can fix anything, he can make my heart skip a beat just by looking at me, and I love him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone.

Problem must lie within me however.

I tend to distance myself from relationships, one slip up and I am ready to throw in the towel.  

I can feel the distance with him for sure, and he has mentioned it as well, if something happens I tend to withdraw myself and don't speak or talk to anyone about anything, he has told me on a few occasions that he doesn't know how to react when I close up like that because I just go to my own little world and block everyone out, mainly it is to prevent an argument, or confrontation, but it has just become my way of dealing with it, because I don't want to lash out at him and make him WANT to leave.  I don't want to throw in the towel, I don't want to push him away.  I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with him......forever!

This past weekend (Easter weekend) was amazing, he was wonderful, and it reminded me again why I am so in love with him =) 

I love the way his eyes sparkle when he looks at me, the way he kisses me just because he wants to, the way he holds my hand, the way he touches me, the way we play around, the way everything just seems perfect when we are together.

I am trying really hard to let that wall completely down for him, and I know if it comes down for anyone, it will be HIM!!!!!!

Moving Backwards Emotionally

These past few days have been really hard for me, and I don't really know why.  My anxiety is flying high, my chest is tight, my muscles hurt, I feel like I can't breathe, like I am going to cry, like I am lost, I don't even really know what the EXACT cause of my anxiety is, all I know is that it is there, and while I am trying my hardest not to show anyone, I can tell that some of the people that know me, have started to notice.

I can't help it!!! I have been so strong for so long, and it just kind of feels as though everything is catching up to me.  I really just want ONE stress free day! But I cannot get that.  Yesterday 11 got in a fight with a legally blind child.....great! I talked to the mother and we made the boys apologize and now they are friends, but that is not before I got the calls at work from my hysterical son, and not before I got the text messages from the adult who was at home about how I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH THIS WHEN I GOT HOME!!! I did deal with it, and it turned out fine, but I sometimes wonder in my head how much the people around me think I can handle?  I wonder if they think "I am going to keep dropping all of this on her and see just how strong she is", because eventually I won't be able to carry anything else, and ultimately I will break.  Some days I think I am very close to that moment, while other days just seem to pass me by as if my world is normal and everything is perfect.

I have been having regular panic attacks every morning.

I hate saying that because it makes me feel weak! I refuse to go to the doctor to get them treated, because honestly he may prescribe me a pill or two, but I won't take them so ultimately it would be a waste of both his time and mine.

I feel like I have dealt with EVERYTHING with a clear head, nothing fogging up my judgment, nothing making me unclear, I have dealt with everything raw and at 100%, these little daily things are so minimal when you look at the big picture, so I just don't want to feel like now I am going backwards!!!! I want to just finish this all up and move forward!!!!!

I really don't know how to prepare myself from one day to the next.  My brain is like stuck on survivor mode and all I care about is making sure that every member of my family is safe, and happy.  Although it seems as though I am failing at that.  17 rarely calls anymore, I haven't seen him since he day he punched himself in the face 10 times in the parking lot at the movie theater, I guess that has been almost 2 weeks now..... I see 8 every other weekend, but his dad and I are still in Court, so calling him through the week seems a little like I am over stepping my boundaries, 15 is in rehab, and 11 is home, my mom is home, my boyfriend is home, I am home.  

We have been getting our house in order, and fixing some things up, my boyfriend has been amazing, sometimes he probably thinks I am crazy, because even on calm nights something has to be wrong, I am used to living in complete and total chaos, so when NOTHING is happening, I feel like something is wrong, so I have a sudden desire to start looking towards everyone and picking apart everything they are doing......It is probably extremely unhealthy for me, and potentially for everyone else, but I have been in overdrive for so long, it is hard for me to know how to shut it off.....

I have to work on it.  I have to only deal with the issues that arise, and not create issues so I have something to deal with.

Rehab and 15.....

We were told 21 day impatient treatment, scheduled to have him there April 1, 2012.  When we showed up we learned it was a 60 day impatient treatment program.

Now 17 has moved out.
8 has moved in with his dad.
15 is in Drug rehab.

11 is the only one at home with me right now.  I really do not know how to be this mother.  I am used to being a very hands on mother of 4 kids.  I am struggling with this to say the least.

When 17 went to treatment he was there for 11 months, 60 days should be a cake walk.

I was able to speak to 15 on the phone yesterday, he said he was not feeling the whole 60 day thing, and that maybe I could come and get him after 21.  The deal is:  It is a 60 day program for a reason!  If I want to deal with this in the future then sure I will go pick him up, but I feel like I need to stick to my guns and let him stay the full 60 days.  He needs it.  He can learn from it, and hopefully when he gets home, it will be a lot easier to handle because he will be given the tools needed for success.....  If not, then at least we tried.

I know that if he is going to use drugs, he is going to use them regardless, and that ultimately HE is the one going to have to make the decision NOT to be a user.  But THIS rehab will give him some knowledge.  Many of the counselors there are past drug users, there to help kids, because they started out that way and lost track of their lives.  I want to catch it early so my son has a chance at life, not a wait and see pattern.

Anyways......I miss him.  I miss what our life used to be.  I miss family game nights, having all of my boys home when I got the camera out.  I miss making memories with my little men.....maybe I am selfish, but I just call it being a mom.

60 days - 3 days= 57 days.


<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QdgCajndgNw?version=3&amp;hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QdgCajndgNw?version=3&amp;hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>