Moving Backwards Emotionally

These past few days have been really hard for me, and I don't really know why.  My anxiety is flying high, my chest is tight, my muscles hurt, I feel like I can't breathe, like I am going to cry, like I am lost, I don't even really know what the EXACT cause of my anxiety is, all I know is that it is there, and while I am trying my hardest not to show anyone, I can tell that some of the people that know me, have started to notice.

I can't help it!!! I have been so strong for so long, and it just kind of feels as though everything is catching up to me.  I really just want ONE stress free day! But I cannot get that.  Yesterday 11 got in a fight with a legally blind child.....great! I talked to the mother and we made the boys apologize and now they are friends, but that is not before I got the calls at work from my hysterical son, and not before I got the text messages from the adult who was at home about how I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH THIS WHEN I GOT HOME!!! I did deal with it, and it turned out fine, but I sometimes wonder in my head how much the people around me think I can handle?  I wonder if they think "I am going to keep dropping all of this on her and see just how strong she is", because eventually I won't be able to carry anything else, and ultimately I will break.  Some days I think I am very close to that moment, while other days just seem to pass me by as if my world is normal and everything is perfect.

I have been having regular panic attacks every morning.

I hate saying that because it makes me feel weak! I refuse to go to the doctor to get them treated, because honestly he may prescribe me a pill or two, but I won't take them so ultimately it would be a waste of both his time and mine.

I feel like I have dealt with EVERYTHING with a clear head, nothing fogging up my judgment, nothing making me unclear, I have dealt with everything raw and at 100%, these little daily things are so minimal when you look at the big picture, so I just don't want to feel like now I am going backwards!!!! I want to just finish this all up and move forward!!!!!

I really don't know how to prepare myself from one day to the next.  My brain is like stuck on survivor mode and all I care about is making sure that every member of my family is safe, and happy.  Although it seems as though I am failing at that.  17 rarely calls anymore, I haven't seen him since he day he punched himself in the face 10 times in the parking lot at the movie theater, I guess that has been almost 2 weeks now..... I see 8 every other weekend, but his dad and I are still in Court, so calling him through the week seems a little like I am over stepping my boundaries, 15 is in rehab, and 11 is home, my mom is home, my boyfriend is home, I am home.  

We have been getting our house in order, and fixing some things up, my boyfriend has been amazing, sometimes he probably thinks I am crazy, because even on calm nights something has to be wrong, I am used to living in complete and total chaos, so when NOTHING is happening, I feel like something is wrong, so I have a sudden desire to start looking towards everyone and picking apart everything they are doing......It is probably extremely unhealthy for me, and potentially for everyone else, but I have been in overdrive for so long, it is hard for me to know how to shut it off.....

I have to work on it.  I have to only deal with the issues that arise, and not create issues so I have something to deal with.