Questioning Motives.....

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em

I am going to have to give you a tiny bit of history so that you understand where this is all coming from prior to telling you the story, so bear with me.

I was raised by my father.  

Definition of "My Father"- Drunk, Abusive, Vulgar, Scary, Harmful, Ignorant, Arrogant, Spiteful, Non-Trusting, Non-Caring, Drug User, Addict.......etc.  I am sure you get the picture.

My father abused me throughout much of my childhood, I believe it was due to the alcohol, and the drug use.  His friends were also users and abusers.  I was around them all, almost constantly.  I was a pretty sad, scared and angry child to say the least.

Fast Forward Several Years.

I was in a relationship with a man that I had known for several years (several being 17) when we 1st started out relationship I could tell he was very jealous, however that was one of the things that I liked about him in the beginning.  That jealousy soon turned into obsession, hate and rage, he inevitably controlled every move that I made and eventually turned his obsession into abuse.  1st time- I left.  Filed a restraining order and vowed to never deal with that again.  The way he made me feel emotionally was more than I could deal with, I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of him, that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, that feeling of being a child pushed up into a corner while my dad repeatedly struck me in the back of the head- he had that kind of power over me, the kind that made me remember things from my childhood that I pushed so far back I rarely thought of.  The feeling that brings tears to my eyes, however I do not share much insight into my past to anyone, so it is usually questionable to everyone as to why I am upset, or why do I look sad.  My usual answer is "I don't know", or "Maybe I am just emotional because it is getting closer to that time of the month".  

Few people know my history, I have allowed a few close people brief insights, but no one knows the half of it, and still I am unwilling to share that here at this moment.

Fast Forward to the Present and my reason for speaking of the aforementioned history.

So I have been in a relationship again with my new boyfriend for almost 3 months.  He is nothing like my ex, or my father.  However I still have that sinking feeling a lot.  I am unsure if it is just because I am waiting for something terrible to happen, or if I have trained myself that when I am in a "loving" relationship that I should not get comfortable because it will end eventually and I am trying to spare myself a broken heart?  I really am unsure, and I am sure he is confused by it.

He is- Amazing, sweet, super attractive, kind, hard worker, healthy, funny, wonderful, he has a drive to make me happy that I am not used to, he is hygienic and likes to make himself look nice, he can fix anything, he can make my heart skip a beat just by looking at me, and I love him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone.

Problem must lie within me however.

I tend to distance myself from relationships, one slip up and I am ready to throw in the towel.  

I can feel the distance with him for sure, and he has mentioned it as well, if something happens I tend to withdraw myself and don't speak or talk to anyone about anything, he has told me on a few occasions that he doesn't know how to react when I close up like that because I just go to my own little world and block everyone out, mainly it is to prevent an argument, or confrontation, but it has just become my way of dealing with it, because I don't want to lash out at him and make him WANT to leave.  I don't want to throw in the towel, I don't want to push him away.  I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with him......forever!

This past weekend (Easter weekend) was amazing, he was wonderful, and it reminded me again why I am so in love with him =) 

I love the way his eyes sparkle when he looks at me, the way he kisses me just because he wants to, the way he holds my hand, the way he touches me, the way we play around, the way everything just seems perfect when we are together.

I am trying really hard to let that wall completely down for him, and I know if it comes down for anyone, it will be HIM!!!!!!