And just when you feel like you are almost to the top.....

Something knocks you back down again!!!

Yesterday was my Settlement Conference for my divorce that has been ongoing for almost 2 years now.  My son's father and I have been getting along great up until this point, but at the Settlement Conference, things got a little heated....

Remember we have ONE child together biologically, and he adopted my oldest 3, and now has nothing to do with them, so my oldest children are left without a father.

He wants: 

Custody of our 8 year old son (which he has and I have agreed to)

All of his past Child Support Arrearages to go away ($10,000) done, I agreed to that to.

No Child Support for my other children still in my home. (He has a current order in the amount of $791/mo) 

He wants me to have every other weekend and every other holiday with our son, which I have had in my care and custody his whole life until January 2012.

This is what we agreed to finally:

- Joint legal custody of ALL of the children with 8's primary residence being at his house, and the older ones being at mine.

- All of his $10,000 in back child support wiped out to a zero balance.

- He will pay $200.00/month in child support for my older kids.

- Every other weekend, every other holiday, every other optional Wednesday, three non-consecutive weeks in the summer for 8 to be with me.

- Reasonable visitation for him with my older kids, shall he choose to exercise it.

I agreed to ALL of this, during that time he told me how much he hated me, and wanted me out of his life and wished I would just go away.

Fine.  Done.

Problem is, while he wants nothing to do with my older 3 kids, I still plan to be a super active mother in 8's life, so I am really not just going to go away, and vanish into thin air, he can forget that plan, however as far as us potentially being friends, he has ruined any chance at that.  I am kind of mad about it, because we had been getting along so well, and that is in the best interest of 8, but he wants to be selfish and I am just a no good worthless piece of trash for wanting to make sure that my "other" kids are taken care of. It is just frustrating!  I am not mad at him really, just wish he would think before he opens his mouth.  

Luckily April 3rd it will all be over.

Really Kids.......really?

This weekend 17 and his girlfriend had an argument, which got a lot of people involved, now please do not forget.....the girlfriend is pregnant, with my son's baby.....ultimately my grandchild.  They got in a fight where she was yelling and screaming and crying, kicked my son out, and my son called me to come and get him, after I arrived it was not a pretty sight, they were in the parking lot of the movie theater having this "issue" with one another.  She had make-up all over her face from crying, my son admittedly had punched himself in the face 10 times causing a busted lip and some bleeding (?) I dealt with what I could, told 17 that if he continued to act that way then he was looking at a rather intensive hospital stay, he is very angry, very out of control and he lashes out and hits things and hurts himself.  It is getting a little out of control to say the least and it is really about time to get it back under control especially when he has a baby on the way, but he was too shaken up from arguing with his girlfriend to even consider speaking to me about the rights and wrongs of his actions.  So he went back home with her, later that evening I found out that the girlfriend had fallen and they were at the hospital.....I guess everything checked out fine, now I just received a phone call at work that she is bleeding.  With their vastly changing mood swings I am really unsure if she is going to be able to carry this baby to term or not, she is only 14 weeks pregnant, and it seems as though she is in the hospital ALL of the time, I am unsure if it is due to attention, or if this stuff is really happening??? I am at a loss since 17 no longer lives with me....but all I can say is if something God forbid happens to that baby, I am sure 17 will be back home....with added drama....I am so over all of this....when I agreed to be a mom I never knew it was ALL of these things compiled together and that there were going to be SO many struggles, while I will continue to deal with them the best I know how, sometimes I just wish I didn't have to....sometimes it is just more than I ever signed up for.......

Praying for the baby.....

Why I am my OWN support System

I received this message via facebook from my cousin this morning.
Please take note that the ONLY thing I post on my facebook is inspirational quotes and lyrics, and many many people have taken the time to tell me how much my postings have helped them through days when they have needed it.

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FROM MY COUSIN:
You have Way too much emotional baggage.. You remind me of your crazy mom.. ill block u if u reply u fucking nut bag

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Needless to say this caught me a little off guard this morning, but nevertheless if you refer to one of my past posts about extended family you can understand that these people know nothing about me, my life, my trials or tribulations, they know nothing of my challenges, or my triumphs, so in their eyes, they are the ones living the perfect cookie cutter lives and I am once again.....banished.

I feel like hell today......

There are probably a lot of reasons WHY I feel like hell, but this morning I woke up and went into an almost instant panic attack, no real reason, but it was by far the longest one I have had in awhile, I am untreated for anxiety, I am un-medicated, I felt as if I was going to deal with all of my everyday life problems I was going to have to face them at 100%, and I cannot do that under the influence of medication.  So I just breathe through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.....irrelevantly, I make it work so that I can be a good mother to my children.

Saturday afternoon- St. Patrick's Day- I had to admit 11 into the behavioral health hospital.  He threw a HUGE fit, broke a bunch of things and put his hands on me.  He told me he was going to run away, told me I was a bad mother and wished that I was dead, broke a glass, hit the hood of my car with his fist, hit my front door with a stick, tore my fake tree up in the living room, and threw my candle holder full of rocks and candles all over my living room.  When 11 escalates he really escalates, he is 170 pounds, so sometimes it is a lot to deal with and since he is so much bigger than me, he is quite intimidating at times.  However when he de-escalates he acts like a baby, babbling unfamiliar words, clapping his hands, rocking back and forth and then gets really really sleepy.  He got into the car willingly, he cried some of the way to the hospital because he realized I was serious and that he was really going.  He did well there and they discharged him Monday evening.  Since being home, with his new med change, I have really not seen much of a difference, he is very distant now, and he is very defensive, he thinks we are all mad at him, which we are not.  He has been talking a lot in his sleep, since being home, that is something he had done before, but not to the extent that he is doing it now.  Hopefully things will level out and all will get better with time, stability and a routine.

My mother is doing ok, she is not doing perfect by any means but she seems stable.  She has began to withdraw herself from family situations, like when I get home from work, she goes to her room, we have not been communicating very much, she went to have a screening for services at our local behavioral health office to see if she qualified for services, she of course does, but she began talking all sorts of things that I had never heard before, she started crying saying that she feels like a social outcast, but kept reverting the conversation back to domestic violence.  Her husband is awaiting trial for being a repeat offender towards my mother for aggravated domestic violence, and he really hurt my mother repeatedly, and very badly.  My mother has also been a victim to sexual abuse as a child and throughout her childhood, I think sometimes that she puts herself into situations so she can be hurt differently to mask some of the pain of her past as opposed to moving forward and trying to get some closure on things so that she can lead a more happy lifestyle. 

15 is doing better.  No drugs since he found out he was going to rehab, he gets one hour with his friends at a time and then he must come and check in with me so that I can do an overview and make sure he is not "high", and then he is allowed another hour.  He is kind of pushing the bar on that though, he has not done any chores, his room is a fright, it just seems like he too is pushing away from our family, doing things to distance himself....sometimes I wonder if everyone is distancing themselves from me, or if it is just the issues around our home that make people seek out different venues.

17- Graduates this year!!!!! I am very proud of his decisions since moving out.  He has looked for a job, and contemplated dropping out of school to secure employment so that he could work to support his baby, after speaking with the school counselor, he will be able to graduate this year based off state credits and he should be able to get a job prior to the baby coming as well as possibly start some courses at college =)

8- appears to be doing better by the day, his dad and I are really working together a lot to make things happen for him, and make sure he is happy and stable and secure in his everyday routine.  I have stopped calling so often, I think sometimes that alone might sometimes confuse him, although sometimes I can't help it, sometimes "I" need to talk to him and hear his voice.  I miss him like crazy, but I am happy his little world has began to slow down for him=)

Relationship status= EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!! I am telling you that this is it, this is what love is supposed to feel like, and through everything when I am in his arms I know everything is going to be ok.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before in my life, we fit together so perfectly, his kids are wonderful, he is wonderful....I am sure sometimes he questions how he got into this mess we call life, but in the same hand he promises me he is not going anywhere, and that we are forever. =)

Me- as usual I am happy, no matter what is going on in the inside, I show happiness, I have a dumb wisdom tooth coming in, I think I started to get a kidney infection, quit drinking pop, and all of the other craziness that goes on in my life, I have been pretty tired lately, been going to bed pretty early which means I am missing out on time with the people that I love and so desperately want to be around, but I have learned if I don't take care of me, then I cannot possibly take care of them....

Another brick in the wall.....

Well it seems that no matter how good life gets, there is always that one thing that stops me in my tracks and reminds me who I am, what I have done, where I have come from and reminds me that I have made bad decisions in my life as well.

It never fails, karma does catch up to you, and when you least expect it - it comes in and smacks you in the face and reminds you that you are not done working yet, you are not done climbing yet, don't stop, don't smell the roses, do not under any circumstance get comfortable, because.......you have another fight to fight.

15 goes to rehab on April 1st.  A 21 day impatient treatment.  After treatment he will have group therapy for 2 hours a week, individual therapy for 1 hour a week, and a case manager that goes to the school and to the house on top of the pre-existing case management he already has, with psychiatry and counseling.

THC, Marijuana........POSITIVE.

I realize it could probably be worse, but this to me is BAD!!!! We just moved, ready to start our life over again, 15 gets hooked up with the wrong kids, makes bad decisions, fails classes, is mean to his siblings, gets suspended for fighting, now he is going to be an established drug user who has to go to a rehab/treatment facility for 21 days? 

God I am sorry for everything I have ever done wrong in my life, I apologize for the hurt that I have caused others, I am sorry for every wrong doing I have ever done in my entire life. 

Why can't I have the normal happy kids, the ones who do not set out intentionally to mess up, to harm themselves, to harm others?  Why can I not get up in the mornings, no issues, go to work, no issues, come home, no issues, cook dinner, no issues, watch a movie, no issues, have a conversation with my kids, no issues, take a shower, no issues, go to bed, no issues and then get up in the morning and do it all again, I would be happy if this would happen 3 times a week, but it never does....never.

Last night 11 had a total meltdown, reminding me that his very real issues are still there, and still very relevant to our lives and that he needs more help than what I have been able to offer him, he seems to be declining in his actions, only he is getting stronger, last night he kicked me, screamed at me, stomped around, threw things all over the house, made a HUGE scene- talked like a baby, afterwards calming down enough to repeat the words "I am so stupid" about 50 times without listening to the logic that I was trying to offer him between him calling himself stupid repeatedly.  I just don't understand. 

As a mother I have:  as of March 14, 2012---

(a current timeline from today)

17- who is doing pretty well, he is keeping his established boundaries, he is not angering so easily, they kept him on his same meds at our appointment yesterday, he has mood disorder, impulse control disorder and oppositional defiance disorder, he has a baby on the way, but he appears to be doing pretty decent given the transitional changes that have been going on.

15- getting ready to attend drug treatment, he has major depression disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and they are going to plague him with bi-polar although they are currently trying to rule that out.  However he has been in a really good mood lately, he has been polite, not as many arguments between the kids, he has been helping when I ask him to, aside from the THC positive thing we now have to deal with, he is not doing ALL bad.

11- had been doing really well until last night, it seems like the "spells" he has pushes him back into a much more immature time frame where he does and mimics things of a baby?  Although he is a very big boy, so the stomping and hitting and fighting and such really resemble that of a man as opposed to a child, he breaks things, and carries on until he falls asleep usually having a rollercoaster of emotions that go along with the ride unfortunately.  11 has only been diagnosed with Severe ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

8- doing remarkable! Although after speaking to his dad I found out that after his psychiatry appointment yesterday and I took him back to school he got into a scuffle with another boy on the playground and unfortunately has to spend his day today in the recovery room =(  he has been doing really amazing other than that, and I am really really proud of him!!!

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Amazingly, my relationship is still doing really well.  He has moved in with me, and we are really getting along very well, he is a very perfect addition to our lives, and I love him like I have never loved anyone before.  And yes we have said it now lol.  Some days I wonder how long he will stay through all of the chaos, but I figure that if he truly loves me he will stand beside me and understand that I have been fighting this uphill battle alone for a long time, and yes it has gotten away from me at times, but I think slowly we will get through this.........I just hope he wants to keep his hand in mine through it all =) <3

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My mom has moved in with us as well, she needed a place to go and when I agreed to let her come I was thinking it would be nice to have another adult in the house to help me monitor the children while I was at work.  I could not have been more wrong.  She has already been admitted into the psych ward for 7 days since being here, I have had to take all of her medication away from her and distribute it all to her as prescribed, she went to change over her social security to my address and they refused her saying she needed a payee which of course became me, and she signed over Power of Attorney to me to act in her behalf.....so taking on my mom has just been an added stress as opposed to a help, I don't know why I ever thought it would be any different.

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Me- I am actually happy, I know that sounds weird with everything going on, but we have fought a long hard fight already, something that this current way of living pales in comparison to....I am genuinely happy, I have everything under control, and the things (15) that I had lost control of without even realizing it have been handled accordingly.  I have gotten out of bed, I am getting things accomplished, I am no longer depressed, I am more alive and awake than I have been in a long while.  I am just waiting for the world to slow down a little bit again, but if it doesn't this seems like an adaptable pace if I am forced.

And that is an update on everything up to this moment........

 

Our Angel March 11, 2002 - March 13, 2002

3/3/2012- One week until it has been 10 years to the day that my only daughter passed away at 2 days old.  I don't care what anyone says, yes as time passes by the wound is able to be scabbed over, however I don't know that any amount of time will change the way it feels on March 11th of every year.

I am slapped back into that hospital room, watching my tiny infant daughter fight for her life.  She is on life support, pain medicine going strait into her body through an IV tube.  Her tiny fingers and toes turning black from the lack of oxygen that she received after being born...her poor body laying there completely lifeless and her heart stopping every few hours, the doctors and nurses rushing in to revive her body, but of course, it was clear her soul had already been laid to rest.  No matter how much time passes, every year at this same time, it still hurts.

I grieve for my daughter every day, although losing her has made me a better, stronger mother for my other children.

I think of what she would look like now, what her voice would sound like, if she would still let me comb her hair before school.  I think of what it would have been like to hold her, kiss her, cradle her, rock her, but she is going to be 10 soon.  She would be in the 4th grade, what would her grades be like, would she be a good reader, would she have a boyfriend.....thoughts of her fill my head even after all of these years of what would have been if she would have made it to today.

She is my strength now.

She is my heart now.

She is what helps me overcome challenges.

She is what makes me a better person.

She is what makes me a good mother.

She is what wakes me up everyday to fight another battle.

She..........is my Angel.

She may not be with me in her physical presence, but I feel her with me every second of everyday, even 10 years later.

My Angel, My Princess, My Baby Girl, My Daughter.




Mommy misses you.