There are probably a lot of reasons WHY I feel like hell, but this morning I woke up and went into an almost instant panic attack, no real reason, but it was by far the longest one I have had in awhile, I am untreated for anxiety, I am un-medicated, I felt as if I was going to deal with all of my everyday life problems I was going to have to face them at 100%, and I cannot do that under the influence of medication. So I just breathe through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.....irrelevantly, I make it work so that I can be a good mother to my children.
Saturday afternoon- St. Patrick's Day- I had to admit 11 into the behavioral health hospital. He threw a HUGE fit, broke a bunch of things and put his hands on me. He told me he was going to run away, told me I was a bad mother and wished that I was dead, broke a glass, hit the hood of my car with his fist, hit my front door with a stick, tore my fake tree up in the living room, and threw my candle holder full of rocks and candles all over my living room. When 11 escalates he really escalates, he is 170 pounds, so sometimes it is a lot to deal with and since he is so much bigger than me, he is quite intimidating at times. However when he de-escalates he acts like a baby, babbling unfamiliar words, clapping his hands, rocking back and forth and then gets really really sleepy. He got into the car willingly, he cried some of the way to the hospital because he realized I was serious and that he was really going. He did well there and they discharged him Monday evening. Since being home, with his new med change, I have really not seen much of a difference, he is very distant now, and he is very defensive, he thinks we are all mad at him, which we are not. He has been talking a lot in his sleep, since being home, that is something he had done before, but not to the extent that he is doing it now. Hopefully things will level out and all will get better with time, stability and a routine.
My mother is doing ok, she is not doing perfect by any means but she seems stable. She has began to withdraw herself from family situations, like when I get home from work, she goes to her room, we have not been communicating very much, she went to have a screening for services at our local behavioral health office to see if she qualified for services, she of course does, but she began talking all sorts of things that I had never heard before, she started crying saying that she feels like a social outcast, but kept reverting the conversation back to domestic violence. Her husband is awaiting trial for being a repeat offender towards my mother for aggravated domestic violence, and he really hurt my mother repeatedly, and very badly. My mother has also been a victim to sexual abuse as a child and throughout her childhood, I think sometimes that she puts herself into situations so she can be hurt differently to mask some of the pain of her past as opposed to moving forward and trying to get some closure on things so that she can lead a more happy lifestyle.
15 is doing better. No drugs since he found out he was going to rehab, he gets one hour with his friends at a time and then he must come and check in with me so that I can do an overview and make sure he is not "high", and then he is allowed another hour. He is kind of pushing the bar on that though, he has not done any chores, his room is a fright, it just seems like he too is pushing away from our family, doing things to distance himself....sometimes I wonder if everyone is distancing themselves from me, or if it is just the issues around our home that make people seek out different venues.
17- Graduates this year!!!!! I am very proud of his decisions since moving out. He has looked for a job, and contemplated dropping out of school to secure employment so that he could work to support his baby, after speaking with the school counselor, he will be able to graduate this year based off state credits and he should be able to get a job prior to the baby coming as well as possibly start some courses at college =)
8- appears to be doing better by the day, his dad and I are really working together a lot to make things happen for him, and make sure he is happy and stable and secure in his everyday routine. I have stopped calling so often, I think sometimes that alone might sometimes confuse him, although sometimes I can't help it, sometimes "I" need to talk to him and hear his voice. I miss him like crazy, but I am happy his little world has began to slow down for him=)
Relationship status= EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!! I am telling you that this is it, this is what love is supposed to feel like, and through everything when I am in his arms I know everything is going to be ok. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before in my life, we fit together so perfectly, his kids are wonderful, he is wonderful....I am sure sometimes he questions how he got into this mess we call life, but in the same hand he promises me he is not going anywhere, and that we are forever. =)
Me- as usual I am happy, no matter what is going on in the inside, I show happiness, I have a dumb wisdom tooth coming in, I think I started to get a kidney infection, quit drinking pop, and all of the other craziness that goes on in my life, I have been pretty tired lately, been going to bed pretty early which means I am missing out on time with the people that I love and so desperately want to be around, but I have learned if I don't take care of me, then I cannot possibly take care of them....
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