It never fails, karma does catch up to you, and when you least expect it - it comes in and smacks you in the face and reminds you that you are not done working yet, you are not done climbing yet, don't stop, don't smell the roses, do not under any circumstance get comfortable, because.......you have another fight to fight.
15 goes to rehab on April 1st. A 21 day impatient treatment. After treatment he will have group therapy for 2 hours a week, individual therapy for 1 hour a week, and a case manager that goes to the school and to the house on top of the pre-existing case management he already has, with psychiatry and counseling.
THC, Marijuana........POSITIVE.
I realize it could probably be worse, but this to me is BAD!!!! We just moved, ready to start our life over again, 15 gets hooked up with the wrong kids, makes bad decisions, fails classes, is mean to his siblings, gets suspended for fighting, now he is going to be an established drug user who has to go to a rehab/treatment facility for 21 days?
God I am sorry for everything I have ever done wrong in my life, I apologize for the hurt that I have caused others, I am sorry for every wrong doing I have ever done in my entire life.
Why can't I have the normal happy kids, the ones who do not set out intentionally to mess up, to harm themselves, to harm others? Why can I not get up in the mornings, no issues, go to work, no issues, come home, no issues, cook dinner, no issues, watch a movie, no issues, have a conversation with my kids, no issues, take a shower, no issues, go to bed, no issues and then get up in the morning and do it all again, I would be happy if this would happen 3 times a week, but it never does....never.
Last night 11 had a total meltdown, reminding me that his very real issues are still there, and still very relevant to our lives and that he needs more help than what I have been able to offer him, he seems to be declining in his actions, only he is getting stronger, last night he kicked me, screamed at me, stomped around, threw things all over the house, made a HUGE scene- talked like a baby, afterwards calming down enough to repeat the words "I am so stupid" about 50 times without listening to the logic that I was trying to offer him between him calling himself stupid repeatedly. I just don't understand.
As a mother I have: as of March 14, 2012---
(a current timeline from today)
17- who is doing pretty well, he is keeping his established boundaries, he is not angering so easily, they kept him on his same meds at our appointment yesterday, he has mood disorder, impulse control disorder and oppositional defiance disorder, he has a baby on the way, but he appears to be doing pretty decent given the transitional changes that have been going on.
15- getting ready to attend drug treatment, he has major depression disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and they are going to plague him with bi-polar although they are currently trying to rule that out. However he has been in a really good mood lately, he has been polite, not as many arguments between the kids, he has been helping when I ask him to, aside from the THC positive thing we now have to deal with, he is not doing ALL bad.
11- had been doing really well until last night, it seems like the "spells" he has pushes him back into a much more immature time frame where he does and mimics things of a baby? Although he is a very big boy, so the stomping and hitting and fighting and such really resemble that of a man as opposed to a child, he breaks things, and carries on until he falls asleep usually having a rollercoaster of emotions that go along with the ride unfortunately. 11 has only been diagnosed with Severe ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
8- doing remarkable! Although after speaking to his dad I found out that after his psychiatry appointment yesterday and I took him back to school he got into a scuffle with another boy on the playground and unfortunately has to spend his day today in the recovery room =( he has been doing really amazing other than that, and I am really really proud of him!!!
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Amazingly, my relationship is still doing really well. He has moved in with me, and we are really getting along very well, he is a very perfect addition to our lives, and I love him like I have never loved anyone before. And yes we have said it now lol. Some days I wonder how long he will stay through all of the chaos, but I figure that if he truly loves me he will stand beside me and understand that I have been fighting this uphill battle alone for a long time, and yes it has gotten away from me at times, but I think slowly we will get through this.........I just hope he wants to keep his hand in mine through it all =) <3
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My mom has moved in with us as well, she needed a place to go and when I agreed to let her come I was thinking it would be nice to have another adult in the house to help me monitor the children while I was at work. I could not have been more wrong. She has already been admitted into the psych ward for 7 days since being here, I have had to take all of her medication away from her and distribute it all to her as prescribed, she went to change over her social security to my address and they refused her saying she needed a payee which of course became me, and she signed over Power of Attorney to me to act in her behalf.....so taking on my mom has just been an added stress as opposed to a help, I don't know why I ever thought it would be any different.
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Me- I am actually happy, I know that sounds weird with everything going on, but we have fought a long hard fight already, something that this current way of living pales in comparison to....I am genuinely happy, I have everything under control, and the things (15) that I had lost control of without even realizing it have been handled accordingly. I have gotten out of bed, I am getting things accomplished, I am no longer depressed, I am more alive and awake than I have been in a long while. I am just waiting for the world to slow down a little bit again, but if it doesn't this seems like an adaptable pace if I am forced.
And that is an update on everything up to this moment........
First I want to say that I am really glad that 8 is doing so well. I have no doubt that he will fully recover.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your mom is the way she is. You deserve a better mom and your kids deserve a better granny.
I want to address the THC issue. 15 is a normal 15 year old. All children and adolescents suffer from ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder, and severe mood swings. It is the nature of our transition from child to young adult. I have smoked weed 3 times in the past 6 months. I did it because it gives me a temporary reprieve from my own emotions. Weed isn't this big bad drug that some would like us to believe. Still I would agree that it isn't a wise choice because like any mind altering substance it affects our judgement and often for the worse. I will tell you that nearly 50% of people my age has tried weed at least 1 time and 25% a bunch of times. It's not that uncommon and THC is far less addictive than caffeine or nicotine. I tell you that because with his depression and mood swings I'm not sure that calling him an addict on top of the other issues are beneficial. Someone recently called me "brainwashed" because I have different political views than them and that hurt. I assume calling someone an addict that is depressed would have the same affect.
I'm not telling you that because I am second guessing your parenting, but because I am just trying to make it easier to look at from a different viewpoint.
I am glad you are happy, you deserve happiness. All of you deserve happiness.
Please be patient with 15. He needs encouragement more than he needs each of his human faults pointed out. I hope this comment was okay for me to make.
Jaime,
ReplyDeleteYour comments are always ok to make, if I came off calling him an addict, it was unintentional, I just want him to get help, and I know it is not the worst thing he could be doing by far, but unfortunately we are already in case management, psychiatry and therapy, and so anytime something gets said, it gets addressed accordingly. He will still be attending rehab on April 1st, if nothing else to teach him some coping skills, he is actually kind of looking forward to it.....
I miss hearing from you regularly, I hope all is going well in your life, and things are starting to even out a little bit for you.
T