Clarity? Is that what this is? Realizing that I deserve better than this. Realizing that I do not have to be depressed or sad because of choices that he made to ruin what I thought was supposed to be my happily ever after.
I am finding things to do that only include ME. I have never done anything alone before, and I am honestly not 100% sure how to do it, but staying out of bed has been key to figuring it out.
I don't know if I will ever love or try for anyone the way that I love and tried for him, so at this point in the juncture I am just trying to love and try for myself, because I deserve that from somewhere.
Learning about my codependency has been important to getting over this. I realize that I am now in recovery, and it will be a long road, but a worthy road but one that I will have to fight against for the rest of my life in any and every relationship what I encounter.
I have always been the one to fix everything, for everyone, and 99% of the time I failed at it, which would drive me absolutely insane!!! But it has really taken these last few weeks to realize that I cannot control anything but myself and in that I must remain content. I need to learn that some things around me will never be the way that I want them and the only thing that I can do is learn how to react to them.
I want to try to blog more, reflections are so important in this process for me, to see where I have been and where I am going, I would like to look back in a year, 2 years, 5 years and think Damn, look at me.
I made the decision after my husband has been telling me that he wants to work things out with me, that I will not be with a drunk. He would have to completely stop drinking. And that in itself has brought on a new insight to the person that he is and what his disease actually does to his thinking. We are currently not talking and with that I am content that I am making a good decision.
I wish that I wasn't pushed to that decision, but ultimately it is the one that I was faced with and the one that I had to make for myself. It is the best decision I could possibly make for myself, my children and my marriage. If he chooses to get sober, if he chooses to pick himself over alcohol, if he chooses to go to counseling and get himself under control then I cannot say what the future will hold. It sucks though that in my mind, no one compares to the love that I had for that man. No one. But I am starting to. My love for myself has come a long way in these past couple weeks, I am getting more and more stable by the day, less up and downs in my insecurities and less inaccurate thoughts of where I want to see myself in a year.
I will continue to go to meetings at least twice a week, I will continue to learn from others where I should be on this road to recovery. I am ready, I am ready finally to accept the life that I can live and not merely tolerate.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
What in the hell....
So today, Easter Sunday 4/5/2015 I write.....
What shall I write about I wonder, how about the way I feel. Ha. Good start.
I feel lost and confused, hurt by some of the recent things that have been going on and confused by others. Still yet I feel happy that my life has become a turn of events that I can trust and that I am getting more and more used to by the day. How can something that feels like it is supposed to be right, be so wrong? I can tell you how. Someone somewhere has a plan that is not aligned with my plan. It is their own plan, their own guarded plan, with their own walls and their own moats, and what I have learned as an adult is if I didn't meet someone in high school and bring them in to my life, that anyone I meet is going to have their own demons. Things that have to be overcome before we can love, and be where we need to be to reach a forever.
I think when I left my husband it became a challenge. When you leave someone you put so much effort into, and loved with everything in your heart, you want to share your feelings. So I did. I shared my feelings with anyone who would listen. How in the world could I show someone so much love and in return they were lifeless, they were not reciprocating to my actions, to my begging, to my tears, how could he just stand there and look at me while I fell apart? How could he do this to me when I felt like I poured my whole life into him? I still don't have the answers to those questions, but I will tell you what I did.
I left, and I poured all of those feelings out to someone else. Someone who took everything that I said I wanted from my husband and put it into action himself. Mind Blowing. I remember my husband telling me that no one could show me affection every single day, and I remember it breaking my heart, because I so badly wanted that from him, and now to have this "other" person making that attempt, I will admit, it was nice. It was exactly what I wanted. I just didn't want it from him. Maybe that was wrong of me and I will be the first to say so, it felt right in the moment, but it wasn't. It was horrible... every single day that I was trying to be devoted to someone else, I was turning my back on my husband, and on God.
I used to be this girl... The one who easily jumped from one relationship into another with no care in the world, because my childhood has programmed me to run from anything when it gets hard. I did run and I still think that running was the right move without a doubt. But running into the arms of someone else has only further strained my thinking. I needed to run, I needed to run fast and far, but I needed to run toward myself. The person that I had lost while trying to love my husband.
I was confused, I still am, about the person that I left behind as well as the person that I have now become. I am much more emotional than I used to be. I can cry on a dime, or I can sleep for hours on end, but I also feel stronger. I have started to love myself again and that alone is huge for me. I feel like I am walking on egg shells, but for myself. I don't want to mess this up because this has the opportunity to guide me towards everything I have ever wanted. I don't want to be in another relationship because I am lonely. Hell I was in a marriage for years that left me lonely, you would think by now I would be understanding of how to be alone, but I'm not. I have a long way to go.
I need to learn how to love myself, how to be able to spend time by myself, how to smile at myself in the mirror, how to quit looking for flaws in my appearance and in my character. I have to quit pulling people into my life that shouldn't be here, especially when I am unsure what my brain is even doing. One day its fine, the next day it is seeking something else, and at no point have I stopped and just enjoyed myself.
I haven't given myself any time at all to grieve my failed marriage, or to grieve the relationship that we had. We have gone through turmoil since the break up. We have said very mean things to each other, we have went weeks without speaking to each other, but it seems like every time we are around one another we can just pick up and communicate like nothing ever broke between us. I don't understand what that means. Does it mean that even though we lost the communication in our marriage that we are still able to be friends? Does it mean that I still want to be with him because every time I am around him I still want to touch and kiss him? Does it mean that he realizes what he lost and that we could still make this work? Or does it mean no matter what this relationship is too far gone and while it is simple to go back to what feels "normal" it never really did feel "right" in the moment and that I would be setting myself up for further destruction.
I am sure the latter is the truth of the matter, but why now am I grieving for this?? I have done so good, not thinking about everything I left behind, I had done so well not crying or beating myself up over this......why now..... I have no idea.
All I can make of it all is that this is all a test. A lesson that God is putting in my face. A lesson that he wants me to learn. But this is not an open book test, so I really need to study. But where do I get my material.....
Damn.....
My mind is a whirlwind of emotions right now.
Checking out for awhile, gonna go to dinner with my dad who I haven't seen in ages! Gonna laugh with my kids and and smile and forget all of my worries for a little while and maybe I will be able to get my mind back on track....Maybe.
Friday, January 23, 2015
3 years.......
I remember writing 3 years ago that I had found the man of my dreams......how he made my heart skip beats, how I lost my breath around him. How I could look at him all day and never get tired of the way he looked....
Today- I can honestly say I am a broken woman. I have tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed....tried and given up.
I feel empty most of the time, like I am always on the verge of tears. Like I want to sleep the rest of this marriage away, I don't want anyone else, but God forgive me- I don't want this.
I go to Al-Anon meetings......in secrecy. So that I can figure out who I am again. Behind this person I have created that is longing for love. 3 years, I am not the person I want to be, I am not the person I thought I would be, not the person I planned to be. I am an empty shell of the person I am supposed to be.
I hide behind this smile and pretend it is all ok, when inside I am rotting away. I cannot explain the loneliness I have felt in this relationship - I gave my heart to this man and he just put it in his pocket, and doesn't take care of it. In the same pocket, on top of me are his addictions, his impulses, himself, and I am just weighted down in the bottom. I can't breathe down here.
So what has this 3 years done for me? It has robbed me of my happiness, my sanity, my security and my life. I thought for sure 3 years would mean something, but it means nothing, just another date to write down, it is not sentimental, it holds no value. It is just another day in hell.
Today- I can honestly say I am a broken woman. I have tried and failed. Tried and failed. Tried and failed....tried and given up.
I feel empty most of the time, like I am always on the verge of tears. Like I want to sleep the rest of this marriage away, I don't want anyone else, but God forgive me- I don't want this.
I go to Al-Anon meetings......in secrecy. So that I can figure out who I am again. Behind this person I have created that is longing for love. 3 years, I am not the person I want to be, I am not the person I thought I would be, not the person I planned to be. I am an empty shell of the person I am supposed to be.
I hide behind this smile and pretend it is all ok, when inside I am rotting away. I cannot explain the loneliness I have felt in this relationship - I gave my heart to this man and he just put it in his pocket, and doesn't take care of it. In the same pocket, on top of me are his addictions, his impulses, himself, and I am just weighted down in the bottom. I can't breathe down here.
So what has this 3 years done for me? It has robbed me of my happiness, my sanity, my security and my life. I thought for sure 3 years would mean something, but it means nothing, just another date to write down, it is not sentimental, it holds no value. It is just another day in hell.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Lonely.
However, after falling asleep last night distant because lets face it going on almost 60 days without a hint of physical intimacy and remembering that it has only happened 2 times in the last 7 months is a lot to swallow. I thought a lot last night. I thought about our argument on Christmas and how he had gotten so drunk he didn't help me at all put out our presents for the kids, and then on Christmas day the cycle continued and he passed out at 7:30pm. I thought about the talk we had about drinking and how his words burned into my brain:
"I think it would be wrong of you to ask me not to drink anymore"
My response was "I never asked you that"
But looking at my take on it is OK I never asked him not to drink, and it would be wrong of me to ask that of him, however he expects me to live my everyday without intimacy which is obviously ranking in the same department alcohol is to him.
We are rounding 3 years and I don't know what to do. I am trying to be the wife he wants, but the husband I want went away a long time ago, never to return.
I am trying. God knows that I am trying. But it is hard, it is unfair and it is like I am not in a marriage at all, I am in a single household with a man who doesn't want to love me. He says he loves me, we will even make plans to be intimate, but the follow through is never there.
I just want to cry all of the time.
But I don't I am much too strong for that, I will not let this battle among the many others that I have fought break me. I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved, and this I know.
One day I am going to wake up and realize this is not the life I want. One day I am going to realize that my butterflies don't have to be dead and I am going to have the strength to awaken them like never before. One day this will all just be a dream and I will be able to obtain what I want.
Until then it is a mystery on how to get that.
I love my husband with all of me and I don't want anyone else, but where does that leave me if everything I want is from a person who will never be able to give it to me..... A person who doesn't care to meet my needs. A person who believes his needs are the only ones that are important, and thinks it is wrong for me to take away his needs, but thinks it is wrong for me to want for mine.....
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Married now.....Over a year.
I haven't written in awhile. I don't know if it is because I like keeping my feelings bottled up, or if it is just that I have been so overwhelmingly busy, oh wait, I remember, the day that I decided to share this blog with my then boyfriend, now husband, and he freaked out, telling me that I only write bad things about him, and I share them with ALL of my friends, because OBVIOUSLY I write this blog in the first person.
Post from Anonymous-
I can do this. I can hold my head up and pretend that nothing bothers me. I have lived my whole life this way. I can pretend that everything is perfect, I can keep a smile on my face despite the fact that I am dying inside. I can do it. I just don't want to.
I have explained numerous times to this man that I love with every part of me everything I have written in my past posts. That I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted. Here we are sitting on the edge of 3 years together, over a year of that time married. Married ha. A marriage build on materialistic bullshit and LIES to get me there. Empty promises and false hopes. Sign me up. I trust you. He cried on our wedding day. We said our vows, we were actually married. That night he got so drunk that I had to carry him into our home and lay him on the couch. He was so heavy and lifeless. He got what he wanted. A big party, with all of his friends. Afterwards at the bar. Someone to take care of him, drive him home, carry him in, undress him and not make a big fuss in the morning because our marriage would remain unconsummated for days after. Bite your tongue. This is your husband. Things will get better. But they don't.
Things remain constant. Things remain the same if not worse than they were in our earlier months, our earlier years, only now our life has much more added stress. But it is all my stress. I got this. Don't worry, you just keep doing you and I will keep doing everything for everyone, including you.
I am tired. I am broken. Most days I don't want to fight for this marriage because I am obviously fighting alone.
It is Thanksgiving Night. Well I guess it is passed that now. It is 12:10am on November 28, 2014. My husband has been drinking beer since 10am on Thanksgiving. On Monday, my mother was involuntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Last week my son who is now 10, was admitted into a psychiatric hospital, and tonight I feel the weight of it all hitting me. I don't like to be treated poorly just because my husband has an alcohol problem. I have a lot of things going on in my world that I deal with by myself to add "drunken asshole husband" to the list of things that I have to worry about.
I just want him to get it, although after almost 3 years, he still has not.
Random update- I have not spoken to 17 (now 20) in almost 2 years. I am however aware that he is incarcerated on charges that have nothing to do with his previous offense.
15 (now 18) is living across town from me with his girlfriend in their own apartment.
12 (now almost 15) is living at home with me and doing very well, with the exception of some distraught attitudes and sadness that have been brought on by the same things that cause me to fight, flight or freeze.
8 (who is now almost 11) is still living with his dad. Aside from his last hospital visit, things seem to be going okay for him, he now takes 3 medications, and they seem to have regulated his mood quite nicely. He is doing well, for now. Hopefully it continues.
My husband's children have also moved in with us. I love them both dearly and I treat them as my own even though the tables are not turned that way for my children. Even today his son asked him why he has he and his brothers names tattooed on his forearms and my husband responded, because I only have 2 kids. That's funny, because I have SIX. Oh well.
He is currently passed out in our bed. He stumbled down the stairs after passing out on the couch upstairs, and passed me without saying a word and went to bed. Fine. I am so used to it, but it doesn't stop the emptiness from pulsing through every part of my body.
Post from Anonymous-
I can do this. I can hold my head up and pretend that nothing bothers me. I have lived my whole life this way. I can pretend that everything is perfect, I can keep a smile on my face despite the fact that I am dying inside. I can do it. I just don't want to.
I have explained numerous times to this man that I love with every part of me everything I have written in my past posts. That I don't feel loved, I don't feel wanted. Here we are sitting on the edge of 3 years together, over a year of that time married. Married ha. A marriage build on materialistic bullshit and LIES to get me there. Empty promises and false hopes. Sign me up. I trust you. He cried on our wedding day. We said our vows, we were actually married. That night he got so drunk that I had to carry him into our home and lay him on the couch. He was so heavy and lifeless. He got what he wanted. A big party, with all of his friends. Afterwards at the bar. Someone to take care of him, drive him home, carry him in, undress him and not make a big fuss in the morning because our marriage would remain unconsummated for days after. Bite your tongue. This is your husband. Things will get better. But they don't.
Things remain constant. Things remain the same if not worse than they were in our earlier months, our earlier years, only now our life has much more added stress. But it is all my stress. I got this. Don't worry, you just keep doing you and I will keep doing everything for everyone, including you.
I am tired. I am broken. Most days I don't want to fight for this marriage because I am obviously fighting alone.
It is Thanksgiving Night. Well I guess it is passed that now. It is 12:10am on November 28, 2014. My husband has been drinking beer since 10am on Thanksgiving. On Monday, my mother was involuntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Last week my son who is now 10, was admitted into a psychiatric hospital, and tonight I feel the weight of it all hitting me. I don't like to be treated poorly just because my husband has an alcohol problem. I have a lot of things going on in my world that I deal with by myself to add "drunken asshole husband" to the list of things that I have to worry about.
I just want him to get it, although after almost 3 years, he still has not.
Random update- I have not spoken to 17 (now 20) in almost 2 years. I am however aware that he is incarcerated on charges that have nothing to do with his previous offense.
15 (now 18) is living across town from me with his girlfriend in their own apartment.
12 (now almost 15) is living at home with me and doing very well, with the exception of some distraught attitudes and sadness that have been brought on by the same things that cause me to fight, flight or freeze.
8 (who is now almost 11) is still living with his dad. Aside from his last hospital visit, things seem to be going okay for him, he now takes 3 medications, and they seem to have regulated his mood quite nicely. He is doing well, for now. Hopefully it continues.
My husband's children have also moved in with us. I love them both dearly and I treat them as my own even though the tables are not turned that way for my children. Even today his son asked him why he has he and his brothers names tattooed on his forearms and my husband responded, because I only have 2 kids. That's funny, because I have SIX. Oh well.
He is currently passed out in our bed. He stumbled down the stairs after passing out on the couch upstairs, and passed me without saying a word and went to bed. Fine. I am so used to it, but it doesn't stop the emptiness from pulsing through every part of my body.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
My thoughts......
I feel as though I have fallen in love with someone who I am not compatible with at all. Someone who does not love me the way that I want to be loved and someone who doesn't love my children the way the need to be loved.
I want so much out of this life, but I feel as though I am setting everything I want on the back burner to allow for things that do not matter at all. Things like TV, beer, arguing, etc. Nothing that spells out happiness to me in the long run.
I feel as though he is constantly trying to find ways to get my children in trouble although my children have done everything he asks, although it is never good enough. My older son avoids him to prevent being accused of things, but it consistently happens anyways. My younger son tries so hard to break his tough exterior, but to no avail, he always seems to get his feelings hurt in the process of trying.
I feel the same as my younger son, like I beg and beg for his attention and he just turns the other cheek, due to the fact that it doesn't quite meet up to what he wants to be doing at the time. I really feel as though this IS the life that he wants to live, but WE are not the people that he wants to live it with. He says he does, but his actions prove otherwise.
I have decided to stop doing everything, I mean I am still going through the motions, but I am going through them completely emotionless. It has only been 3 days, and he is already on to the fact that I am treating him the same way he has been treating me for over a year. I don't know what he wants from me. When I want his attention, I beg and plead for it, it turns into a fight and then it leaves me feeling more lonely than I was in the beginning, and then it goes back to the exact same way that it was. I am getting more and more distant by the day and I know that he can feel it, but I don't know what else to do. I cannot continue to let him hurt me.
He says that he has changed so much, but it must all be in his head, because what he says he is doing so much of, no one can see, except him obviously =/
I want to marry this man, but I don't even know if we are going to make it through our 2nd year together because he doesn't understand what he is doing to me emotionally.
There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are days when I would rather go to bed before he gets home from work, there are even those days that are getting more and more frequent that I would rather take a handful of pills and hope that I can sleep until forever. Not that I would ever do that, but God sometimes I want to. Just because the way he makes me feel is like I don't matter to him at all and that breaks my heart.
The looks I see on my children's faces when they get let down by him yet again breaks my heart, and he just doesn't get it. I really think we need some type of counseling if we are going to make this work although he sees nothing wrong with the way we are living our life....so what do you do with the person who has no issues with how much he is hurting you? Clearly it can never be changed because he doesn't acknowledge it.
I am miserable, I miss who I used to be, I miss who my kids used to be, and I miss the man that I fell in love with..... clearly not the man that I have been left with.
This is so hard.
How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?
I don't want to live my life without him, but I cannot stand the games that he plays or the way he sabotages our lives....
When do we get the FAMILY that I keep talking about and that I keep dreaming about?
When does it become about all of us, and not just HIM???
My heart is on the line here........
I want so much out of this life, but I feel as though I am setting everything I want on the back burner to allow for things that do not matter at all. Things like TV, beer, arguing, etc. Nothing that spells out happiness to me in the long run.
I feel as though he is constantly trying to find ways to get my children in trouble although my children have done everything he asks, although it is never good enough. My older son avoids him to prevent being accused of things, but it consistently happens anyways. My younger son tries so hard to break his tough exterior, but to no avail, he always seems to get his feelings hurt in the process of trying.
I feel the same as my younger son, like I beg and beg for his attention and he just turns the other cheek, due to the fact that it doesn't quite meet up to what he wants to be doing at the time. I really feel as though this IS the life that he wants to live, but WE are not the people that he wants to live it with. He says he does, but his actions prove otherwise.
I have decided to stop doing everything, I mean I am still going through the motions, but I am going through them completely emotionless. It has only been 3 days, and he is already on to the fact that I am treating him the same way he has been treating me for over a year. I don't know what he wants from me. When I want his attention, I beg and plead for it, it turns into a fight and then it leaves me feeling more lonely than I was in the beginning, and then it goes back to the exact same way that it was. I am getting more and more distant by the day and I know that he can feel it, but I don't know what else to do. I cannot continue to let him hurt me.
He says that he has changed so much, but it must all be in his head, because what he says he is doing so much of, no one can see, except him obviously =/
I want to marry this man, but I don't even know if we are going to make it through our 2nd year together because he doesn't understand what he is doing to me emotionally.
There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are days when I would rather go to bed before he gets home from work, there are even those days that are getting more and more frequent that I would rather take a handful of pills and hope that I can sleep until forever. Not that I would ever do that, but God sometimes I want to. Just because the way he makes me feel is like I don't matter to him at all and that breaks my heart.
The looks I see on my children's faces when they get let down by him yet again breaks my heart, and he just doesn't get it. I really think we need some type of counseling if we are going to make this work although he sees nothing wrong with the way we are living our life....so what do you do with the person who has no issues with how much he is hurting you? Clearly it can never be changed because he doesn't acknowledge it.
I am miserable, I miss who I used to be, I miss who my kids used to be, and I miss the man that I fell in love with..... clearly not the man that I have been left with.
This is so hard.
How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?
I don't want to live my life without him, but I cannot stand the games that he plays or the way he sabotages our lives....
When do we get the FAMILY that I keep talking about and that I keep dreaming about?
When does it become about all of us, and not just HIM???
My heart is on the line here........
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Praying for a Miracle.....
As it would seem life has finally started to slow down. But that too comes with its own challenges. I had to kick 18 and his girlfriend out of my house, because they could not pass a drug test. Which made 3 months before I was able to see my grandson, however I have now seen him twice in the last 2 weeks. They broke up and she has been allowing me to see him again. I appreciate that.
16 has been having struggles of his own. I have dealt with a lot with him, but with a new set of rules, hopefully things will start to straighten out.
12 is doing as well as he possibly can, he is doing amazing in comparison to how he had been doing in the past.
9 is doing GREAT at his dads, however he asked me last weekend if I could go back to court so he could come back and live with me, and as much as it pains me I talked to him and his dad and I hope he understands that what we are doing allowing him to continue to live with his father is the best possible choice for him.
18 is a lost cause unfortunately, he has moved 4 hours away from me, and has not spoken to me since December 28th. It is probably better that way, much less drama, much less chaos.
As far as me, I guess I have just become this needy, clingy girlfriend who wants nothing more than to be loved by my boyfriend, however he does not seem to have the intimacy level that I dream of. I want to be close to him always, I want to be a family with him and my kids and his kids, but a "family" seems like a far cry from what we are. I want to take pictures with him, and cuddle him, but as much as I beg, and cry and plead with him, it just seems like that is a distant fairy tale dream of mine that will probably never take place.
I want to get married and have a real shot at a real future with our kids and the man of my dreams. I want him to realize that he is my hopes and my dreams and my future. I want him to quit accusing me of cheating on him and quit letting his "day" affect our home life. I want him to come to me and kiss me for no reason, grab my hand, pull me close, run his fingers through my hair, but all of that seems like it is just out of his grasp and maybe he is not built that way, but I wish he would realize how much it would mean to me.
My kids want a "dad", something they have never had in their lives and it seems like every time I choose someone to put into their lives, it does not work out for them. No one wants to be the father figure to kids "like mine" I guess. Although it is so not fair to them, and it is not fair to me.
I have been cycling into this huge depressive state that I really don't want to be in, but every time I bring it up to him he says that he IS in fact doing all of the things that I know he isn't....
I don't know what to do or say anymore, because when I put my feelings on the table and when I open my heart to him it causes us to fight and then we pull apart more than we already are, because I desperately want him close, not to drive him farther and farther away from me.
So how to 2 people who claim to love each other survive - even if they have different levels of expectancy from the person that they love? Like I crave being close to him, he has no desire to make ANY physical contact unless it is sexual and that is rare. He has no desire to just come up to me out of the blue and kiss me.....no desire to look into my eyes and fall in love with me all over again, however that is what I do with him every day. I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings of loneliness that I feel, and not because I want to be touched in general, but because I want to be touched by him.
I am going to make it a point to remember the saying - "Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have".
And just wait, and hope that is enough.
In the meantime, I am going to be the best possible mother I can be to my children, I am going to be the best possible girlfriend I can be to my boyfriend, I am going to be the best possible house cleaner, dinner cooker, and employee that I can be....I am just going to spend time bettering myself, and maybe I can fill that void of neediness that I have with something else.
"I want a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous"
Maybe one day.....but for today, I am going to bide my time, love myself, love my kids, love my house, love my job.....and I will prevail.
Hopefully one day everyone that I put so much time, energy, devotion and love into will wake up and see how much I do for them and how deep my love is for them (my kids and my boyfriend) and realize that time, love and respect are not that hard to give back....especially when it is demanded from them.....
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16 has been having struggles of his own. I have dealt with a lot with him, but with a new set of rules, hopefully things will start to straighten out.
12 is doing as well as he possibly can, he is doing amazing in comparison to how he had been doing in the past.
9 is doing GREAT at his dads, however he asked me last weekend if I could go back to court so he could come back and live with me, and as much as it pains me I talked to him and his dad and I hope he understands that what we are doing allowing him to continue to live with his father is the best possible choice for him.
18 is a lost cause unfortunately, he has moved 4 hours away from me, and has not spoken to me since December 28th. It is probably better that way, much less drama, much less chaos.
As far as me, I guess I have just become this needy, clingy girlfriend who wants nothing more than to be loved by my boyfriend, however he does not seem to have the intimacy level that I dream of. I want to be close to him always, I want to be a family with him and my kids and his kids, but a "family" seems like a far cry from what we are. I want to take pictures with him, and cuddle him, but as much as I beg, and cry and plead with him, it just seems like that is a distant fairy tale dream of mine that will probably never take place.
I want to get married and have a real shot at a real future with our kids and the man of my dreams. I want him to realize that he is my hopes and my dreams and my future. I want him to quit accusing me of cheating on him and quit letting his "day" affect our home life. I want him to come to me and kiss me for no reason, grab my hand, pull me close, run his fingers through my hair, but all of that seems like it is just out of his grasp and maybe he is not built that way, but I wish he would realize how much it would mean to me.
My kids want a "dad", something they have never had in their lives and it seems like every time I choose someone to put into their lives, it does not work out for them. No one wants to be the father figure to kids "like mine" I guess. Although it is so not fair to them, and it is not fair to me.
I have been cycling into this huge depressive state that I really don't want to be in, but every time I bring it up to him he says that he IS in fact doing all of the things that I know he isn't....
I don't know what to do or say anymore, because when I put my feelings on the table and when I open my heart to him it causes us to fight and then we pull apart more than we already are, because I desperately want him close, not to drive him farther and farther away from me.
So how to 2 people who claim to love each other survive - even if they have different levels of expectancy from the person that they love? Like I crave being close to him, he has no desire to make ANY physical contact unless it is sexual and that is rare. He has no desire to just come up to me out of the blue and kiss me.....no desire to look into my eyes and fall in love with me all over again, however that is what I do with him every day. I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings of loneliness that I feel, and not because I want to be touched in general, but because I want to be touched by him.
I am going to make it a point to remember the saying - "Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have".
And just wait, and hope that is enough.
In the meantime, I am going to be the best possible mother I can be to my children, I am going to be the best possible girlfriend I can be to my boyfriend, I am going to be the best possible house cleaner, dinner cooker, and employee that I can be....I am just going to spend time bettering myself, and maybe I can fill that void of neediness that I have with something else.
"I want a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous"
Maybe one day.....but for today, I am going to bide my time, love myself, love my kids, love my house, love my job.....and I will prevail.
Hopefully one day everyone that I put so much time, energy, devotion and love into will wake up and see how much I do for them and how deep my love is for them (my kids and my boyfriend) and realize that time, love and respect are not that hard to give back....especially when it is demanded from them.....
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Friday, February 8, 2013
The relationship (continued- 02/10/2013)
Things got bad, then they got better, then they got worse and now that is kind of where they sit. He and I are barely on communicating standards, much less anything else. I have been getting physical with him and have lashed out at him on several occassions now. I can't seem to help it, because my emotions are so out of whack. I try so hard to make him happy and it does not seem like anything ever will. I am losing myself in the process of trying to find him and that scares me.
I love this man with everything I am. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I could not imagine being with anyone but him, but I'm scared. I scared of how things are going to turn out if we don't get a handle on it really soon. But we are both so stubborn and our pasts get the best of us a lot.
Last night he checked our phone records and swore I was talking to "some other guy", after I proved him wrong things just got weird like always, I am afraid that we are losing ourselves and that is such a scary place to be. Especially when all I want to do is love him, and I want so desperately for him to love me the way that I want to be loved. But I'm fearful that we are kicking a dead horse here, because I don't know that it will ever be that way.
I love this man with everything I am. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I could not imagine being with anyone but him, but I'm scared. I scared of how things are going to turn out if we don't get a handle on it really soon. But we are both so stubborn and our pasts get the best of us a lot.
Last night he checked our phone records and swore I was talking to "some other guy", after I proved him wrong things just got weird like always, I am afraid that we are losing ourselves and that is such a scary place to be. Especially when all I want to do is love him, and I want so desperately for him to love me the way that I want to be loved. But I'm fearful that we are kicking a dead horse here, because I don't know that it will ever be that way.
It has been awhile 2/10/2013
It has been awhile since I have blogged, so I guess I should start with the obvious.
17 turned 18 and with that became chaos, a loss of sense of direction, lies, stealing, drugs, etc. etc. I kicked him and his girlfriend out on December 23rd, on December 28th they came and got their stuff from my home after a major dispute and I have not spoken to them since. I have not seen the grandbaby in 2 months, and honestly it has been less chaotic, less drama and less negative. I believe by my other children, I made the right decision.
16 and 12 are doing well, I have had to crack down with rules and such, so they are both grounded, however their attitudes have been improving everyday. I am very proud of the progress they have made since 18 and his gf have been out of the picture.
8 is doing well, he is making good grades, has good behavior and his dad and I are getting along better than we ever have for his sake...
17 turned 18 and with that became chaos, a loss of sense of direction, lies, stealing, drugs, etc. etc. I kicked him and his girlfriend out on December 23rd, on December 28th they came and got their stuff from my home after a major dispute and I have not spoken to them since. I have not seen the grandbaby in 2 months, and honestly it has been less chaotic, less drama and less negative. I believe by my other children, I made the right decision.
16 and 12 are doing well, I have had to crack down with rules and such, so they are both grounded, however their attitudes have been improving everyday. I am very proud of the progress they have made since 18 and his gf have been out of the picture.
8 is doing well, he is making good grades, has good behavior and his dad and I are getting along better than we ever have for his sake...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The relationship continued....
So things have taken a weird turn, it seems like since I have chosen to withdraw myself from our relationship and not care what takes place and what doesn't he is getting bothered by it, and taking more and more notice to it by the day.
Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me. I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.
However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time. I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire. So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad. I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.
I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.
This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.
Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.
8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.
Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me. I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.
I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day. None of this is what I want to do.
I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.
So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him? Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out. A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am. But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever. But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.
I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.
I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......
The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.
I am losing it. All of it. My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.
Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.
</3
Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me. I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.
However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time. I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire. So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad. I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.
I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.
This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.
Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.
8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.
Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me. I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.
I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day. None of this is what I want to do.
I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.
So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him? Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out. A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am. But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever. But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.
I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.
I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......
The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.
I am losing it. All of it. My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.
Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.
</3
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The relationship......
I have not blogged in a very long time, so I thought that since I was having a lot of emotional drawbacks, now would be a good time to touch on a lot of things that have my mind in a constand whirlwind of sorts.
I am in a relationship with a man that I love.
However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least.
My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.
It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses. He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link. Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry. My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.
In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us. I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well. He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....
I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.
Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't. Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.
When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.
It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.
My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us. No fair.
My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?
What do I do? I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this? I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....
I am in a relationship with a man that I love.
However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least.
My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.
It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses. He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link. Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry. My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.
In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us. I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well. He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....
I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.
Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't. Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.
When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.
It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.
My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us. No fair.
My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?
What do I do? I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this? I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....
Friday, June 8, 2012
Life's Failures.....
It has always been known to me that I was not very good at a lot of things.
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.
As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.
I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.
And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well. I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids. However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.
In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives. You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it. I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children. But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.
I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.
8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.
15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.
12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.
So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do. Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.
I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.
17 and 8 already live somewhere else.
Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well? Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.
What do I do? Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed? I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.
This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....
</3
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.
As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.
I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.
And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well. I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids. However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.
In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives. You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it. I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children. But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.
I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.
8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.
15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.
12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.
So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do. Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.
I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.
17 and 8 already live somewhere else.
Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well? Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.
What do I do? Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed? I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.
This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....
</3
Thursday, June 7, 2012
And then there were 3.....
Well 17 has disowned me.....
I cannot say that this doesn't hurt, but for the meantime I guess it is his choice.
I am paying for 15's cell phone bill. 17's cell phone is currently shut off. Because he did not pay his bill.
Please remember 17 has made the decision to be an adult, to not live with me, to have a pregnant girlfriend, to have a job, to take himself off of his medications.
I am in no way responsible for his cell phone.
However, if he wants to be mad at me, and hate me because of it, then more power to him.
I cannot believe that he is being this way and it really hurts, but in the same hand I feel like I have done all there is to do for him, and if he wants to disassociate himself from my life then that is on him.
It is sad really that he cannot see everything that I have done for him. That I have loved him unconditionally and will continue to love him unconditionally forever.
But if we are no longer Mother/Son, and he wants to cuss at me and call me by my 1st name, then I guess we can be on that level....
Always and Forever I will love him, however I do not have to tolerate his behavior and choices towards me.
I hope he realizes by choosing to hate me, he is also punishing his brothers, who he will not see, nor communicate with until he talks to me....I will not have him bashing me to my other children.
I cannot say that this doesn't hurt, but for the meantime I guess it is his choice.
I am paying for 15's cell phone bill. 17's cell phone is currently shut off. Because he did not pay his bill.
Please remember 17 has made the decision to be an adult, to not live with me, to have a pregnant girlfriend, to have a job, to take himself off of his medications.
I am in no way responsible for his cell phone.
However, if he wants to be mad at me, and hate me because of it, then more power to him.
I cannot believe that he is being this way and it really hurts, but in the same hand I feel like I have done all there is to do for him, and if he wants to disassociate himself from my life then that is on him.
It is sad really that he cannot see everything that I have done for him. That I have loved him unconditionally and will continue to love him unconditionally forever.
But if we are no longer Mother/Son, and he wants to cuss at me and call me by my 1st name, then I guess we can be on that level....
Always and Forever I will love him, however I do not have to tolerate his behavior and choices towards me.
I hope he realizes by choosing to hate me, he is also punishing his brothers, who he will not see, nor communicate with until he talks to me....I will not have him bashing me to my other children.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
My Love Horoscope 6-6-12
Your Love Horoscope
You
may be going through some negative energy period in your romantic
affairs, Leo, but this is a period that is short lived. Whether you are
single or attached, you may be finding yourself somewhat distressed over
the energy that is present in your love life, and this will lead you
into some moments of withdrawal. If you are feeling like you need to
avoid any serious discussions or potential arguments, then your instinct
is telling you to take some down time for you today. Take a break from
any major decisions or conversation when it comes to love. If it feels
to heavy, just take a time out today and find something that fulfills
you, even if it means some time alone.
Friday, June 1, 2012
New Happenings.......
Well a lot of new things have taken place since I last wrote here on this blog.....
I will touch base on many things, elaborate on some and try and fill in some details of significant things.
We will start with 17.
He GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! He did it, and I am very proud of him!!!! He got a job where he gets very minimal hours, but he goes every time he is scheduled, he and his girlfriend are preparing for their child to be born in September and are making future plans to be successful parents......very pleased with this situation at the moment.
15- failed the 9th grade, has to attend summer school that he is not interested in going to either, tells me school is stupid, tells me I am stupid, as are his brothers and my boyfriend, and anything that he can label....has no drive or motivation to do anything that is not beneficial to him, just behaving badly all the way around. But blames me for it.
11 is now 12 =)
He has been admitted to a Children's Mental Hospital for 5 days, has had his diagnosis' changed and is on a new medication, seems to be doing well, I will touch base on this in another post because it is kind of long.
8- Doing great, very happy - could not be more pleased with the situation.
My mom- Long term residential care facility that she started May 29, 2012, it is a phasing program where she will learn daily living skills for 8-18 months, then move forward to transitional living for 8-18 months to prove that she can apply those skills, and then on to an apartment that will be staffed 24 hours, however she will have her own space again and maybe be able to succeed fully for the rest of her days.....She is mad at me, but we can only hope for the best, I personally do not care, she can hate me the rest of her days....as long as she is fed, clothed, taken care of, clean, stable and has her medications properly administered to her, I could really care less how mad at me she is....at least she is safe!!!
My relationship- we are doing amazing!!!! We have definitely had a few days where we were unsure how steady the road was going to be....but we have found our place, and we are happy in it!!!! I love him more every day!!!
I will touch base on many things, elaborate on some and try and fill in some details of significant things.
We will start with 17.
He GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! He did it, and I am very proud of him!!!! He got a job where he gets very minimal hours, but he goes every time he is scheduled, he and his girlfriend are preparing for their child to be born in September and are making future plans to be successful parents......very pleased with this situation at the moment.
15- failed the 9th grade, has to attend summer school that he is not interested in going to either, tells me school is stupid, tells me I am stupid, as are his brothers and my boyfriend, and anything that he can label....has no drive or motivation to do anything that is not beneficial to him, just behaving badly all the way around. But blames me for it.
11 is now 12 =)
He has been admitted to a Children's Mental Hospital for 5 days, has had his diagnosis' changed and is on a new medication, seems to be doing well, I will touch base on this in another post because it is kind of long.
8- Doing great, very happy - could not be more pleased with the situation.
My mom- Long term residential care facility that she started May 29, 2012, it is a phasing program where she will learn daily living skills for 8-18 months, then move forward to transitional living for 8-18 months to prove that she can apply those skills, and then on to an apartment that will be staffed 24 hours, however she will have her own space again and maybe be able to succeed fully for the rest of her days.....She is mad at me, but we can only hope for the best, I personally do not care, she can hate me the rest of her days....as long as she is fed, clothed, taken care of, clean, stable and has her medications properly administered to her, I could really care less how mad at me she is....at least she is safe!!!
My relationship- we are doing amazing!!!! We have definitely had a few days where we were unsure how steady the road was going to be....but we have found our place, and we are happy in it!!!! I love him more every day!!!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Repetition
I guess it is just that I get so tired sometimes of repeating the same things from my past. You would think that I had learned from my past mistakes and would not want to relive them, but it is this damn wall that gets in my way. I can't help but get upset.
Here is the scenario:
My bf and I have decided to work together to get 11 and 15 on board to listen and to be good, do chores, be respectful, etc. etc. And everything was going pretty good. Last week, the kids slipped one time, and he was all like "Just forget it, they will never listen to me, so I am just going to let them do whatever they want, and you can deal with it when you get home", ummmm ok? I have always dealt with it, so nothing new, but that is just one less thing that he is doing that he said he would help me with.
So he got back on board, it was his birthday over the weekend, I did everything he wanted to do, I toted his drunk ass around, hung out completely sober with his drunk friends, did everything that I was supposed to do, and all with a smile on my face.
Today while I am at work, he came home and got mad, 11 and 15 were home because they had poison ivy. They had done quite a few of their chores and the house was far from dirty. Nevertheless he got mad, and blew up on me, again via facebook......like I did it. So I snapped back.
He told me that he was going to stay somewhere else tonight, I told him that was his decision, however if he stayed somewhere else tonight, he needed to just STAY there.....he was like "for good?" well duh, if I am not good enough to come home and work things out with tonight, then I am not good enough to come home to tomorrow.
He is used to young girlfriends, not girlfriends who have lived the life I have lived. Clearly.
So he came home, went strait to the bedroom and that is where he stayed. We have not spoken, he may as well have stayed somewhere else. Because him being here, has only put me on the couch for the night.
Quite frankly I am sick of him being such a jerk. It doesn't matter what I do, he is always taking what other people do wrong out on me, and it is really sincerely quite bs.
I have no idea how much longer I am going to deal with this, probably not going to be able to handle it much longer. I want him to understand that I am not the one for this, and that all he has to do is talk to me, and he doesn't have to be such a jerk to me all of the time. But I don't know if he is learning that or not.....
My wall is going back up, I can feel myself distancing myself, most times when this happens I want to cry, and I get all upset.....I do not feel sad tonight, I don't even feel mad....I feel sorry for him because he is self sabotaging himself, and our relationship.....and I am really good about severing ties, and moving on.....it is pretty much all I know.
I just want so much more with him. I feel as though maybe he just feels like I am a "stopping point" in his life. Like maybe a forever to him DOES mean a couple months, or a couple of years....I just want a forever, and that has always seemed like too much to ask....
I am starting to get worried, because I am sick of wasting years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, of my life.......if I continue to see it as wasted time and he continues to be more hassle than help then I am going to have to back out.....
Damn it.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Emergency Contact?
This is a kicker, it kind of brings it all back home.
I went to the emergency room yesterday, because I had an impaction in my ear, let me be the 1st to tell you, that is the most painful thing in the WORLD!!!!
As I was going through registration the woman says: Who would you like to list as your emergency contact.....
There was a huge delay, as I ran through my head the very small list of people who are "of age" and would actually care if something emergency like happened to me.....
Mom- in the psychiatric hospital
Dad- Dead
Mom's Family- strangers
Dad's Family- strangers
Boyfriend- 3 months
Brother- lost his # and have not spoke to him in awhile
Brother's Mom- I use her for everything =/ but have not seen her in awhile.
My best friend- we have become distant in the last few months. She does not seem to want to be bothered by me and what I have going on in my life, she has her own life and things going on too.
And there it was......my list.......now who to choose from that.
I opted for my boyfriend.
It is a terrible feeling to realize that tiny list is of the people outside of my children MAY care if something happened to me in the hospital.
I guess it was just a sad scary realization once again that I truly only really have ME to count on in this life, me and my kiddo's now if 17 would hurry up and turn 18, I would list him. But they said that it had to be someone "of age".......
Still won't change the fact that very small list is my life.....
Sometimes I just don't get it, I struggle everyday to prove myself to everyone, anyone, and in the process I get shut out time and time again......makes no sense to me.
I wonder what it would have been like to have parents who cared, a family who cared.
But that is as far as it goes......it is a wonder.....because I will never know.
I went to the emergency room yesterday, because I had an impaction in my ear, let me be the 1st to tell you, that is the most painful thing in the WORLD!!!!
As I was going through registration the woman says: Who would you like to list as your emergency contact.....
There was a huge delay, as I ran through my head the very small list of people who are "of age" and would actually care if something emergency like happened to me.....
Mom- in the psychiatric hospital
Dad- Dead
Mom's Family- strangers
Dad's Family- strangers
Boyfriend- 3 months
Brother- lost his # and have not spoke to him in awhile
Brother's Mom- I use her for everything =/ but have not seen her in awhile.
My best friend- we have become distant in the last few months. She does not seem to want to be bothered by me and what I have going on in my life, she has her own life and things going on too.
And there it was......my list.......now who to choose from that.
I opted for my boyfriend.
It is a terrible feeling to realize that tiny list is of the people outside of my children MAY care if something happened to me in the hospital.
I guess it was just a sad scary realization once again that I truly only really have ME to count on in this life, me and my kiddo's now if 17 would hurry up and turn 18, I would list him. But they said that it had to be someone "of age".......
Still won't change the fact that very small list is my life.....
Sometimes I just don't get it, I struggle everyday to prove myself to everyone, anyone, and in the process I get shut out time and time again......makes no sense to me.
I wonder what it would have been like to have parents who cared, a family who cared.
But that is as far as it goes......it is a wonder.....because I will never know.
Monday, April 23, 2012
My mother.......
If I have any personally known readers, (I know I have a few) who know anything about me, it is that my mother has some major mental health issues. I mean seriously.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior. It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population. The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.
Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that has affected people throughout history. About 1 percent of Americans have this illness. People with the disorder may hear voices other people don't hear. They may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. This can terrify people with the illness and make them withdrawn or extremely agitated.
People with schizophrenia may not make sense when they talk. They may sit for hours without moving or talking. Sometimes people with schizophrenia seem perfectly fine until they talk about what they are really thinking. Families and society are affected by schizophrenia too. Many people with schizophrenia have difficulty holding a job or caring for themselves, so they rely on others for help.
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
Major Depression Disorder- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.
These are her MAIN disorders.
Anyways she had another "SPELL" and when I say that I believe that to be more than one of her disorders coming out at the same time brightly and her losing her sanity ground.
She ended up in the psychiatric hospital and upon discharge will be admitted into a residential housing fairly close to my home.
I can't help but feel bad, like I have given up on her......but I haven't........hopefully she will learn that one day. However I can't help but feel like this is going to be the closing point to our relationship. =/
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior. It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population. The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior.
Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that has affected people throughout history. About 1 percent of Americans have this illness. People with the disorder may hear voices other people don't hear. They may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. This can terrify people with the illness and make them withdrawn or extremely agitated.
People with schizophrenia may not make sense when they talk. They may sit for hours without moving or talking. Sometimes people with schizophrenia seem perfectly fine until they talk about what they are really thinking. Families and society are affected by schizophrenia too. Many people with schizophrenia have difficulty holding a job or caring for themselves, so they rely on others for help.
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
Major Depression Disorder- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.
These are her MAIN disorders.
Anyways she had another "SPELL" and when I say that I believe that to be more than one of her disorders coming out at the same time brightly and her losing her sanity ground.
She ended up in the psychiatric hospital and upon discharge will be admitted into a residential housing fairly close to my home.
I can't help but feel bad, like I have given up on her......but I haven't........hopefully she will learn that one day. However I can't help but feel like this is going to be the closing point to our relationship. =/
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Temporary Post.....
Anyways, here goes.
Tuesday- after I got my divorce, I had a plan. My boyfriend was supposed to be home around 3:30 and so was I, so we were going to work on the downstairs and get it ready for us to put our room down there, but since my divorce finally went through, I thought ah, we will just go to dinner, you know and celebrate.
I did not mention it to the boyfriend. Just because he should have been home at 3:30 anyways.
4:15- text received- have to run an errand be home soon.
8:00- he shows up.
I had already went out and purchased dinner for EVERYONE and his was in the microwave.
I told him where his dinner was and walked outside to smoke.
He followed me out and asked if I was mad.
"Not mad, just disappointed"
His words were jumbled, I could just tell......"have you been drinking" I asked him.
"yes"
"And driving" I said.
"yes"
(He has 2 DUI's on his driving record and currently has a revoked license)
"Now I am mad", I got up and went upstairs to my room.
Several hours later we had a little dispute on facebook, and he decided to sleep in the basement on the floor.
WHATEVER!!!!
He didn't speak to me when he woke up in the morning, and was gone before I woke up.
Didn't hear anything from him for hours.
11:30am. Text. "So where do we stand"
Really?
We had a rather extensive conversation over facebook about him always saying he should leave, everytime we get into an argument, he thinks he needs to leave. I told him I wouldn't stop him and if that is what he wanted then please by all means....LEAVE!!!!
I don't want him to leave, but I am also not going to stop him.
Last night we had a major conversation:
I told him he was NOT a good boyfriend. I do everything, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean, I cook, I do the laundry....he does what he wants, when he wants, he spends his money the way he wants, and his time the way he wants, and I am left to do that much more work for another person in my household.
I called bullshit.
I told him it was never going to work like this and that he needed to start doing what needed to be done to continue in a relationship with me.
I tried to be steady but serious, but not come off as too much of a bitch.
He seemed to understand, even told me to make him give me his paycheck on Friday (yea right) I told him I would not ask him for his money, but if he wanted me to handle his money then I would and I would make it last for him, and still pay bills and stuff.
Before we fell asleep he asked me for $10.00!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!
He makes TWO TIMES as much as I make, I have paid for freaking literally EVERYTHING and he is out of money 2 days before payday!!!!!!
I asked him where all of his money went.
He really had no answer.
We will see what Friday brings.
God I love that man with all of me, but I do not need to care for anyone else....for a change I would like it if someone cared for me!!!!!!
Finally Divorced!!!!!
Well after almost 10 years of marriage (7 of which we have been separated) I am legally divorced.
It has not really changed my day to day living much, my last name changed, I have 21 pages where a Judge has signed on what is in the best interest of my children......however nothing is really any different.
Just Divorced.
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