Well ok here it is, I am a single mother. I have made an unconscious decision to be a single mother, however through choices that I have made, I believe that I am pretty much solely responsible for that.
It's Ok, I am Ok with it. But sometimes I wish I had someone around to share the everyday burden with me. Not that my kids are a burden, but it seems as though they require more of me, than I actually have. So lets talk about what is actually going on and see what you think at the end.
I got pregnant when I was 13, I am 31 now, so I have been a mother the better part of my life, I wouldn't change it for anything, but now that they are growing up some, I would for sure change some of THEIR decisions. Maybe this is my karma, maybe this is my curse, but whatever it is, I am not happy in it.
My mother was a complete fuck up my entire childhood, she had a nervous breakdown and threw me to the wayside like that was an option. No big deal, left me there to my abusive alcoholic no good father to fend for myself, yes thank you. Grew up too quick, got pregnant, and again, and again, and again, 4 living kids, 1 in heaven.......lost my kids in a court battle for an entire fucking year, lost a baby at 2 days old, my dad died, got my kids back, my house burned down, was in an abusive relationship, another house fire, son got in trouble, lost my job, house, car, ended up homeless, and now through it all I have came up from the depths of hell to make a really good attempt at being happy again. Went from homeless shelter to sincerely doing well in ONE year.....and now. FUCK!!!!!
My oldest son is 17, just spent the last year in inpatient treatment for being an abuser, we won't go into that at the moment, but it was not physical abuse and it was not drug abuse. Use your imagination. It affected my whole family, but it mainly affected my youngest son. We all supported my oldest son through everything, through the Children's Division, through the treatment, family therapy, I am talking everything.... he came home, threatened to kill himself, put his hands on me, and now to top things off is going to have a baby in August. A fucking baby, are you serious? He moved out. No longer lives with me, I cannot support his decisions any longer, nor will I. I do not have time to let my other children suffer at his hands anymore. I love him, but if he can't see what he has dragged my family through up to this point, and if he doesn't care, then why should we? We can't. I have to move forward.
Next son...Age 15- This boy looks like me, every bit of him is me, sometimes I feel as though I am looking in the mirror when I look at him. He went from being the nicest most sincere kid in the world, to an Emo punk kid. Failing all of his classes, being physically abusive to his brothers, not doing anything asked of him, arguing everything, picking at his skin, causing utter havoc, trying anything he can that would make a rebellious statement, growing his hair out, dying it dark, piercing his lip, having sex, trying drugs, he does not get it, I will not follow him through this, if he gets in trouble, he is on his own, I will not drag my family through that again. I tell him this all of the time, he does not believe me, watch- I swear I will not fight this battle for him, I am trying to help him I have him in therapy, psychiatry, everything, I try to get along with him, try to get him to want to be a good kid, to want the best out of everything...he doesn't care. Ultimately leading me to not care. Unfortunate.
Next son...Age 11- ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER the real deal- I never believed in this before I had this child. The "motor" that they say controls a child with ADHD, I think mine has 2. He is a good boy though, very sincere, always aiming to please, he is in special education, his brothers call him retarded all of the time. He cries a lot, I wish I could make everything in his world just slow down, but as much as I have tried, I have been unsuccessful, he is by far my sweetest child, always wanting to help me, wanting my attention, wanting to see me smile. I think he has the most genuine attitude, he WANTS to do right, he WANTS to be something wonderful, it is just harder for him than most kids, because of his uncontrollable drive. I see so much for this boy, and I hope that through all of the crazy, he can salvage some sort of normalcy for himself and create something awesome out of it.
My last born baby...Age 8- The child that I purposely created after losing my daughter at 2 days old. The baby who I begged for and wanted more than I have ever wanted anything else in this world, we had a bond like no one else in this world could have ever had, and then it was torn apart by my oldest sons decisions, my baby was ripped from me in every sense of the word however his body was still there, his innocence was stripped from him and I lost him - I tried everything to keep him with me, we were homeless, we fought every step of the way, we had it, we were at the finish line, and then he told me what I never wanted to hear...."I want to go live with my dad", and deep down I already knew it was the best thing, through everything I was so fucking selfish, I just wanted him here with me. "I" wanted to keep him safe, "I" am his fucking mother, why would I not want that...but he wanted his daddy, so I let him go.
The deep dark hole in my stomach continues to grow, it is full of hate, and anger, distrust, despise, hostility, resentment, pain, bitterness, anxiety, angst, panic and uncertainty, every day it continues to grow and it does not seem to be closing, only getting bigger, deeper, and harder to deal with by the day.
I have lost myself, I have lost the Mother of the Year award, I have lost every hope and value that I once had for my family and now all I try to do day to day is salvage one fucking simple piece of decency from an otherwise completely fucked up situation.
So what now.
"So what now."
ReplyDeleteThere is only one thing you can do, continue to care for, love, protect, and be there for your kids. No one is perfect because humanity is imperfect. No methodology of parenting is perfect and what works for one may not work for another. However, a good parent never gives up even when the words "I Give Up" comes out of their mouth. Parenting is a hard thing, I know I stress out my dad and it is hard for a single man to raise 2 girls. I can see the stress, and doubt that he's doing right, and sometimes fear in his eyes when difficult things come up. He had no idea what to do or how to support me, but that is something that we are learning together. I have learned something, dad needs support too. He is a strong man but he is only human. That is why we support each other. My point is that you need to find your own support structure so that you can remain healthy enough emotionally in order to be the support your children need. It is impossible to give and give without support in return. It will beat the strongest of us down, and once we are beat down we are incapable of being the support we strive to be for others.
I have said this before and I am going to say it again. Even the best of parents have children who can make the worst of decisions. Each person has the freedom to make choices, they aren't always going to be the best ones. You are a good mom (parent), because you are there for all of them more than you are willing to admit to yourself in this post.
I hope it gets easier for you. I support you.
Being a supportive parent is difficult!!! Sometimes it means putting my own morals and values on the back burner to be supportive "enough" for all of the different aspects of the children that I am raising. You are right no matter the amount of "proper" parenting, sometimes kids make bad decisions. I have been nothing but supportive towards my kids. I wish that like you my kids could see my own stresses and struggles and see the pain in my eyes or hear it in my voice when I talk to them, maybe that is a bridge that we have yet to cross. One day I sat them all at the table, I cried to them, I told them that I could not keep dealing with all of these BIG things that they kept throwing my way, they seemed to get it, and then the very next day they proved to me that they didn't. Since 17 and 8 have moved out of my house things have started to settle down quite a bit. I look forward to them visiting and it seems that the time that we do spend together is not spent yelling and screaming and stressing out, rather actually getting that quality time that we had been missing out on for so long.
ReplyDeleteAs far as a support system - I do not have one. I deal with much of this on my own which is why it is so easy for me to fall. I am gathering a support system for myself slowly, but it has been a very slow process. I have my best friend, who is as supportive as she can be, but she does not understand what I am personally going through, not that I would ever want her to, but it makes it easier when I speak to people who have been through either side of the struggle. Be it a survivor, or even a remorseful perpetrator, unfortunately I have to learn both sides of the struggle and try to address them as necessary so I know what to do for my children and so I can prevent this type of thing from ever happening again.
It scares me because after reading much of your story, and thinking in my head, I wonder what happened to him in his past for him to think that type of behavior was ok to do to anyone- could he have been abused by his older brother? Could this be something that my son thinks about in the future? How will I save someone else from falling victim to the hands of one of my children? How will I save my child from becoming that type of monster? All I can do is continue to support good choices that they make and continue to make and create boundaries for them and continue to teach them right from wrong. Somewhere along the line that voice in their own heads is going to have to take over (be it my voice or their own) and tell them what to do....at which point I hope I have instilled enough knowledge in them that they make the right decision.
I think that is probably the scariest thing that there is to deal with now, is the potential that 17 is already an offender and while the risk is low, he will always be at risk to re-offend. And now that 8 has been victimized it makes him a risk to offend later on in life, even with the best therapy. I wonder if this is what our life will become? It is very scary to even fathom that thought, but that is one of the biggest issues that I worry about daily and could possibly face in the future. Could the choices of one of my children potentially ruin someone else's life?
I appreciate your support more than you know, I know I have said this before and I will say it again, you came out of no where to me, when I needed it the most and I value your words and hold them near and dear to my heart. You give true meaning to the word survivor, and while it is a hard struggle you reaching out to help other people through knowledge and fear and being able to trust still is amazing, and I commend you for everything that you have said to me, and while I wish you were blind to this whole subject you continue to amaze me.
Thank you for your support, that alone is worth more than you know to me.
I also support you, and appreciate you, and I at 31 years old look up to you. You are amazing, and I am proud of you!!!
I am glad to be part of your support structure if you will have me.
DeleteYou are worried that 8 will grow up to become an abuser. I want to run some numbers by you. I have collected this information over several months for a paper I am writing.
About 1/3 of those who were abused sexually as a child that aren't treated have thoughts later in life as an older child or adult of abusing another child. About 1 in 4 will become an abuser at least once.
Of that 1/3, if those children are given the support and therapy they need, the likelihood of becoming an assailant drops by a ratio of 27 to 1.
This translates to a mathematical statistic of 1 in 216 children who were abused that get the proper treatment and support will HAVE THE THOUGHTS OF OFFENDING.
This means that I have a mathematical chance of 1 in 216 that I will offend. Guess what, that is simply mathematical odds based off of other people's choices. Although I like statistics and math and for the most part I trust math, I do not have a 1 in 216 chance of becoming an offender. I have a ZERO chance. I have a choice to make, a choice that I have already made. I know my odds to become an offender is ZERO. I know that because my family did not let me waller in my own shame. They have shown me that my shame isn't my shame, it is my assailants shame. Their support has allowed me to get rid of most of the negativity in me so that it doesn't spoil.
Author Unknown, with the support you are giving 8, he is gaining the tools needed to make the same decision I have made before the mathematical temptation even has the chance to come up.
With this in mind I would estimate a true mathematical odds of 8 becoming an offender at ZERO, and it will be zero as long as you continue to be the mother, support, friend, and inspiration you have shown yourself to be.
You might find this short read interesting.
http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/4/2/101.full.pdf
There are hundreds of studies out there, so don't listen to any ONE of them. Read as many as you can and take info from all of them and let the information come together in your head. Basically treat it like the news.
I am happy to give you whatever support I can.
BTW, I came across your blog by Because You Are Worth Waiting For. I am a member of her blog and she is a member of mine. We have been supporting each other for more than 4 months now.