I like to leave things untitled, that way when they become a disaster they have no label, nothing to "blame", just yourself and the decisions that led you up to this point. Is it a cycle? Probably. How do you break it? You tell me.
They say in order to establish a routine something has to be done for 13 days, if you successfully make it through those 13 days, it is then a habit, and you will just do it. I don't know. 17 and 8 (my kids) moved out 9 days ago, this is not feeling like something I am just going to get used to. This is not feeling like something that out of force of habit that I am going to be able to overcome. But in the same sense I know they are happier where they are. Maybe that is what is killing me, maybe that is what hurts the most, is knowing that they are happier somewhere else then they are with me. Well ok, let's make the best of it. Let us have fun when we are around each other and not spend every time we are together clinging to one another, because ultimately kid, I will smother you!!! Because I am used to daily hugs and kisses, something I am not getting anymore, something that I feel like I must gather all in one weekend, and in the process, smother you and make it no fun at all. That is utter B.S... I have to quit thinking like that. My kids are happier somewhere else. I must live with that. I must transform the children that stayed in my home into positive young men, I must do everything in my power to not mess up anymore and quit seeing everyone's lives and everyone's emotions through MY eyes, because the fact is, they have their own little brains, their own beating hearts, and well quite frankly, all of this could have been prevented if I would have thought outside of the box in the past.
I am outside of the box now.
I have no idea how to live out here, I have no idea how to mother out here, I have no idea who I am out here. I guess ultimately it is time to retrain myself. What do I do in my free time now? Do I sleep? NO I can't just sleep my life away wishing my kids were all back home. I must do something positive. Do I take up photography again, like I have always planned and wanted? Absolutely the best possible plan, do something I love, possibly reap some tangible rewards, and be able to do even more things with my children.
I may not be a genius, but this blogging thing has really got me thinking. I can do this. I can become this wonderMOM that I have always wanted to be. Maybe not with ALL of my children IN my house, but I AM STILL THEIR MOM!!!!!!!!
Day 10 is going to be better than the days that have preceded it=)
If you have extra time on your hands now as a result of not having all of your kids living with you and you are wondering what to do with this time I have a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteYou are already figuring it out, you are already learning how to live outside that proverbial box that you called your life. You are learning through your interactions with survivors how to be a supportive person. Spend this free time learning as much as you can from multiple angles so that you don't only see outside your BOX, but outside how your box would be if your situation was the same but different. I hope that makes sense, I don't think I explained it too well. I mean, not all survivors have the same issues and not all assailants have the exact same compulsions. So learn from multiple survivors and assailants so that your knowledge of how to be a good support become broad but still adaptable to each specific situation that arises you need to provide support for.