Strength---Courage---Hope---Faith
I have read so many things since all of this has happened, I have thrived for knowledge in a battle to help myself help my child. In the process I have become strong past my wildest dreams, because who is ever prepared to deal with such a traumatic event, and even worse when you are the Mommy and you can't fix the pain, you cannot cover the wounds, and you cannot hide the scars.
I wonder how the people who know what has happened in our lives look at my children now. How they look at me. The wonderful vision that I had raised my children to become has been stripped away from us all, and now we are a family tattered, a family broken, a family that knows not what the future holds in store for us. I can only give my children the tools to survive and hope that is enough to help them reach the goals that they have set for themselves.
When I look at 17, I don't see a monster, and I don't think 8 sees a Monster either. I see my son, and I believe that 8 sees his brother, however we see this person through fear, and although we try not to, we see him through pain, and anger and the relationships we had once formed have been severed by a wall that no matter how many therapy sessions we attend will never be able to come down. Because no matter how many therapy sessions, no matter how many apologies, the fear is still there that it could very realistically happen again.
I don't know how our lives came to this, I don't know how it changed so dramatically from us all having family game night to being a family torn by sexual abuse. I don't know how we became strangers in our own home, and while I work very hard to make our lives as normal as possible through all of the pain that we have in our hearts it is very hard. It is kind of like being inside a bottle and every time someone tips it and we get closer to the top to get out, they pour water into it and shake us around for awhile....that is how it seems. Every time we get close to the finish line or so it seems, it gets shaken by something, one of the members of this family falls, and we all have to stop and back up and pick them back up. It is thoroughly time consuming, stressful and it is so difficult.
When I ask the children to do something the 1st response that I usually get from them is "It is too hard", too hard kid, really? Look at all we have been through and all we have overcome and all that we have struggled through and the things that we have accomplished and where we were versus where we are now, and then tell me that it is too hard. We can do this, so come on, follow me, I will lead the way. But it never quite works out that way. Even I have fallen very hard, several times.
THIS IS OUR LIFE NOW!!!
Once I personally gained that knowledge I was able to overcome so much, and while I personally still struggle every day the battle with tears is not nearly as frequent. We will make it through this. I just need everyone to get on board.
17 wants to forget it, he says it was a bad decision and he has learned his boundaries, however he just wants to bottle it all up inside, and any time anyone brings it up it brings all of his emotions to the surface on the matter, and he deals with it through anger, so he will cry and then he will punch a wall, scream and yell and get upset with whoever said anything about it in the first place, he will be mad at that person as if that person is the one we should all hold solely responsible for "bring it up again"....he expects us all to just push it back in our minds like he has been able to do, and pretend it never happened.
15 is angry too, he has secluded himself and become the rebel of the family, he does what he wants when he wants and has no remorse for any of it. He is very mean and hateful, it is not who I want him to be, but he could care less, he wants to do anything he can to make a statement, but he also is a recluse who just seems to hide in the shadows whenever he can. He is definitely the next battle...I am sure of it.
11 just wants attention. He does try to be good most of the time, but he also has anger issues, kicking holes in my walls, screaming at the top of his lungs, antagonizing his brothers, he can be so mature, but in the blink of an eye he becomes this other kid, almost baby like, he throws tantrums and breaks things, talks like a baby, hits things, hits himself, cries, and whines for hours on end...he is a challenge, but if I ignore the behavior it usually stops.
8 just appears to be in phase that he can block everything out, which is good, he has had many transitions in the past couple years and he seems to just be able to control what he allows to affect him one way or the other. Sometimes he acts out, but for the most part there could be a tornado going on around him and he is content just sitting on the couch watching tv...as long as he can see it, and hear it, all is well.
And then there is me. I am the type of person who needs to learn everything there is about anything going on, so I am a research junkie, I read and read about anything going on so that I can get a handle on how to handle it. I have been on a constant roller coaster for the last 2 years trying to battle through everything that has gone on and continues to go on currently, but all in all I think I have made some hard but productive decisions in the last few months, maybe the best decisions I have made in a long time...only time will tell I assume.
11 just wants attention. He does try to be good most of the time, but he also has anger issues, kicking holes in my walls, screaming at the top of his lungs, antagonizing his brothers, he can be so mature, but in the blink of an eye he becomes this other kid, almost baby like, he throws tantrums and breaks things, talks like a baby, hits things, hits himself, cries, and whines for hours on end...he is a challenge, but if I ignore the behavior it usually stops.
8 just appears to be in phase that he can block everything out, which is good, he has had many transitions in the past couple years and he seems to just be able to control what he allows to affect him one way or the other. Sometimes he acts out, but for the most part there could be a tornado going on around him and he is content just sitting on the couch watching tv...as long as he can see it, and hear it, all is well.
And then there is me. I am the type of person who needs to learn everything there is about anything going on, so I am a research junkie, I read and read about anything going on so that I can get a handle on how to handle it. I have been on a constant roller coaster for the last 2 years trying to battle through everything that has gone on and continues to go on currently, but all in all I think I have made some hard but productive decisions in the last few months, maybe the best decisions I have made in a long time...only time will tell I assume.
You asked the question, "I wonder how the people who know what has happened in our lives look at my children now. How they look at me."
ReplyDeleteWell, no one can answer that question unless you ask someone directly how they look at your son and you. I can tell you this, it really doesn't matter what other people think. First off the only ones who are going to think negatively are the ignorant ones and any of them who aren't ignorant understand what all of you are going through and wouldn't think negatively of either of you. On top of that it doesn't matter what others think because it only matters what YOU and 8 think. Other people's thoughts are nothing more than opinions and everyone has opinions and many of them are as worthless as dirt.
I want to speculate on something if you don't mind. 17 might become so angry because he is embarrassed. I know I would be if I were in his situation. Facing our own faults from a pure right or wrong view point is very easy, but facing them from an emotional point, especially when other people's emotions are involved is very hard. You might just need to leave it up to 17 to talk about it if he chooses to, but you need to let him know that once 8 gets older, 8 will probably want answers. 17 won't be able to run from that shame forever and facing it now and getting it over with may be like ripping the band-aid off quickly instead of slowly.
I wish I had more useful information for you. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jaime,
ReplyDeleteYou are by FAR the most "useful information" I have received up to this point of our journey! Every time I write I look forward to your comments, and they have such a huge impact on me because you are very right.
I think since I have started blogging about all of this it feels as though I am taking all of this out of my head and putting it somewhere else. It has caused me to sleep better at night, when I go back and re-read some of the things that I have written and being able to see it there in black and white actually helps me. This has been the best therapy I have received since all of this started, and then all of the sudden there comes you...and you are an amazing survivor, and I can only hope that my child is able to be as mature as you are and hold as much knowledge as you hold. You are wise beyond your years, and I cherish our every communication.
When this all started I reached out to anyone who was a victim, a survivor, anyone who had endured any type of sexual abuse--- I had to know, I had to know what my son was thinking, what he was feeling, what I needed to do, what I could say to him, how I could make this better.
After talking with a few people I learned that I did the best thing that I could have done...Believe him...Support him. And I will do that until my dying day and longer.
I made the choice to let 17 come back home after treatment, 8 lived with that for 7 months before he finally told me he was scared and he wanted to live with his dad. As hard as that decision was to approve I am solely happy with the decision to give him some control over the situation and it has proven positive so far.
Thank you baby girl, for reading, as much as I wish you didn't understand and you didn't know any of this, or have to live any of this, I am happy that you chose to reach out to me when you did....=)
Closing in tears.....me
It's okay to cry, and sometimes it helps. (((hugs)))
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