Let's talk about me for a minute =)

When I think of talking about myself I am always hindered, because I never put myself first, however in the past few weeks I have tried to put myself at least more "forward" than in the past several years.

So here it is.

I met this guy. =)

When I say I met this guy, I don't mean just any "guy", I mean I believe to have found the perfect man for me.  The one my soul has searched for my entire life, the one who can make me smile just by merely thinking of him, the one who when I receive a call or a text from him, my heart skips a beat, the one who when our hands touch I feel as though our bodies merge into one.

I really feel like this is it, and I also feel as though I deserve him more than any one in the world.  I will treat him well and he has shown me nothing but the same respect, he is great with my children, he is great with me, like I said I just feel as though he is the one......

I haven't told him yet, but I know I am falling in love with him, which for me is a very scary thing, because so far anyone in my life that I have ever opened up to has been able to cut me from within and break my heart, I have been so scared for so long of getting my heart broken that I have built this huge wall up around myself and I don't let anyone in.

He is different, it is like I extended to him the Golden ticket that lets him come and go as he pleases with no fear of anything.  He doesn't scare me.  He is perfect.

So I am either setting myself up for the ultimate disappointment, or I am going to finally see what it is like to live a good life, next to someone who truly cares about me and my children.  Someone who can walk to the ends of the Earth and back with me without skipping a step.  Someone who will hold my hair when I am sick, kiss my forehead when I am weak and someone who will hold my hand as we grow old together.

I cannot wait to see what the future holds in store for us =) 

Trust me....just a quote

Trust me, I know how it feels.
I know exactly how it feels to cry
in the shower so no one can hear you.
I know what it's like to wait for everyone
to be asleep so you can fall apart,
for everything to hurt so bad you
just want it all to end.I know exactly how it feels.

just writing..........

Strength---Courage---Hope---Faith

I have read so many things since all of this has happened, I have thrived for knowledge in a battle to help myself help my child.  In the process I have become strong past my wildest dreams, because who is ever prepared to deal with such a traumatic event, and even worse when you are the Mommy and you can't fix the pain, you cannot cover the wounds, and you cannot hide the scars.

I wonder how the people who know what has happened in our lives look at my children now.  How they look at me.  The wonderful vision that I had raised my children to become has been stripped away from us all, and now we are a family tattered, a family broken, a family that knows not what the future holds in store for us.  I can only give my children the tools to survive and hope that is enough to help them reach the goals that they have set for themselves.

When I look at 17, I don't see a monster, and I don't think 8 sees a Monster either.  I see my son, and I believe that 8 sees his brother, however we see this person through fear, and although we try not to, we see him through pain, and anger and the relationships we had once formed have been severed by a wall that no matter how many therapy sessions we attend will never be able to come down.  Because no matter how many therapy sessions, no matter how many apologies, the fear is still there that it could very realistically happen again.  

I don't know how our lives came to this, I don't know how it changed so dramatically from us all having family game night to being a family torn by sexual abuse.  I don't know how we became strangers in our own home, and while I work very hard to make our lives as normal as possible through all of the pain that we have in our hearts it is very hard.  It is kind of like being inside a bottle and every time someone tips it and we get closer to the top to get out, they pour water into it and shake us around for awhile....that is how it seems.  Every time we get close to the finish line or so it seems, it gets shaken by something, one of the members of this family falls, and we all have to stop and back up and pick them back up.  It is thoroughly time consuming, stressful and it is so difficult.

When I ask the children to do something the 1st response that I usually get from them is "It is too hard", too hard kid, really?  Look at all we have been through and all we have overcome and all that we have struggled through and the things that we have accomplished and where we were versus where we are now, and then tell me that it is too hard.  We can do this, so come on, follow me, I will lead the way.  But it never quite works out that way.  Even I have fallen very hard, several times.  

THIS IS OUR LIFE NOW!!!

Once I personally gained that knowledge I was able to overcome so much, and while I personally still struggle every day the battle with tears is not nearly as frequent.  We will make it through this.  I just need everyone to get on board.

17 wants to forget it, he says it was a bad decision and he has learned his boundaries, however he just wants to bottle it all up inside, and any time anyone brings it up it brings all of his emotions to the surface on the matter, and he deals with it through anger, so he will cry and then he will punch a wall, scream and yell and get upset with whoever said anything about it in the first place, he will be mad at that person as if that person is the one we should all hold solely responsible for "bring it up again"....he expects us all to just push it back in our minds like he has been able to do, and pretend it never happened.

15 is angry too, he has secluded himself and become the rebel of the family, he does what he wants when he wants and has no remorse for any of it.  He is very mean and hateful, it is not who I want him to be, but he could care less, he wants to do anything he can to make a statement, but he also is a recluse who just seems to hide in the shadows whenever he can.  He is definitely the next battle...I am sure of it.

11 just wants attention.  He does try to be good most of the time, but he also has anger issues, kicking holes in my walls, screaming at the top of his lungs, antagonizing his brothers, he can be so mature, but in the blink of an eye he becomes this other kid, almost baby like, he throws tantrums and breaks things, talks like a baby, hits things, hits himself, cries, and whines for hours on end...he is a challenge, but if I ignore the behavior it usually stops.

8 just appears to be in phase that he can block everything out, which is good, he has had many transitions in the past couple years and he seems to just be able to control what he allows to affect him one way or the other.  Sometimes he acts out, but for the most part there could be a tornado going on around him and he is content just sitting on the couch watching tv...as long as he can see it, and hear it, all is well.

And then there is me.  I am the type of person who needs to learn everything there is about anything going on, so I am a research junkie, I read and read about anything going on so that I can get a handle on how to handle it.  I have been on a constant roller coaster for the last 2 years trying to battle through everything that has gone on and continues to go on currently, but all in all I think I have made some hard but productive decisions in the last few months, maybe the best decisions I have made in a long time...only time will tell I assume.

Extended Family.....forgotten.

I really don't know how I became such an overprotective mother.  I probably could not explain it if I wanted to.  Everyone who shares a bloodline with me is untraceable, completely able to forget who I am and unfortunately I gained that same trait, I don't much care where they are either.

So I have been banished, and after gathering my own assumptions here is why:

I lived with my abusive drunk father. We lived in a small town, he had a sister and some brothers, they had children, I grew up with these people, birthday parties, family Christmas' I mean we did get together pretty routinely while I was younger. 

I got pregnant at 13.

Now I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am guessing that the *Super Awesome, Way Cool* parenting I was receiving helped me to get pregnant at 13? My mom was not around, I lived with my dad, he had just kicked out his crazy abusive girlfriend of several years, he was never home, he would leave me money on the table and then be gone until all hours of the night.  So I came home from school, cleaned the house, fed myself, and would go to bed.  As I got a little older I would hang out with my friends, I would sneak out of the house late at night, I mean I would do whatever I wanted to do, because I had no one to ask.  My dad would rip me out of bed by my hair and drag me to the kitchen sink to wash the one fork that was in there, because I was an ungrateful brat, he would always make it a point to hit me in my head, so that my hair covered any potential bruising that he might to do me. New Years Day 1994 I told my dad "No" at my uncle's house (which was a block from my house) the house was full of my cousins and my uncle was there, and my dad came to me and punched me in the face so hard he made my nose bleed, it bled bad, and everyone just stood there, I remember the taste in my mouth and feeling like I was suffocating because I was choking on my own blood trying to keep from making a mess at my uncles house and on his furniture. Everyone just stood there and looked at me, like that type of thing was normal?  Like normal parents do that type of thing to their children......

So ok, I got pregnant at 13.  I must be BANISHED from the family because I am such a bad child.  Whatever- I can live with that, I don't need those people in my life anyway, and I surely do not want them in the lives of my children. 
Moving on to dear mothers side of the family- she had a mom, a step-dad, 2 brothers, both with children, however that side of the family is made up of pedophiles, and abusers, my mom made it clear as a child to stay away from them, and I have done the same thing by my children, and still I walk this line in my own life.  Sad to say.

So really??? I am the outcast?  If this is what I have to do to become the black sheep of my family then so be it.  I am a damn good mother, I work my ass off to take care of my children, hell yes I have made some mistakes, doesn't everyone?  But to have heard through the grapevine that I had fallen (when my kids and I were homeless) and to call me and want to gossip about "what happened" and why we were in that situation, and not think twice about offering a resolution (that I never would have taken you up on) or thought about it twice after that, and then to call me 6 months later and ask if I was still in the homeless shelter.....seriously?  6 months later.....HELL NO- In one year I completely turned our lives around ALONE, by MYSELF!!!!

Don't worry I will never ask you insignificant people for anything......but in return I would appreciate you not ever contacting me again.

Thanks.

The weather sucks........

But I feel ok this morning, it seems as though I covered a lot of ground last night.  The kids seemed to have "heard" me, and maybe they understand that I have just had enough.  I am ready to live my life, our life without the chaos and the mass destruction that seems to take place daily.  I wish they would understand that a fraction of a sliver of a little tiny bit of effort from them would make things that much easier on everyone.  Momma does not like to scream and yell, but when I talk, they don't listen!!!!! Hopefully they heard me...hopefully!

I made it a point not to call 8 last night.  Since he has been with his dad I have called everyday, talked to him everyday, talked to his dad everyday, I have become sincerely obsessed with keeping my presence known in his life daily.  But after calling the night before and hearing the sound of "happy" returning to his voice, I figured it wouldn't hurt to let him have a day "Mommy Free", he knows he can call me anytime he wants to....

So here I am this morning, sitting at work, and just thinking, and reflecting and working out all of the kinks, trying to think of what I can do different to change this course that we have been on for so long, and getting all of the negative out of our life so we can live somewhat happily for a change.  I am willing to make more sacrifices if I have to, bend over backwards some more if I have to, all I know is that things have to be different than they have been.

I think it will all come around, and our lives will slow down a little bit and we can take time to smell flowers, and breathe deeply and that it will all be better soon....I am not quite ready to take off my seat belt yet though- life has proven to me, that just when you least expect it, something else happens.....

Easier....Ha.....Maybe not.

So today started off well, work went well, the drive home went well.....and then I got home.

No chores done, seriously? And 15 is laying in my unmade bed playing on my computer after very strict instructions NOT to be on my computer, and very strict instructions to do his chores.  So I was mad, I yelled, I screamed. He was sarcastic acting like he always does everything (when in fact he never does anything) and how it is all on him.  There was a cup on the floor, the kitchen cabinets were open, which I hate, and he could have vacuumed.  5 minutes of work....so hard.  Anyways I got it done, cooked dinner and then 17 called.

I am mad at 17 because he and his girlfriend seem to be totally against me.  Now that he moved out it is like I am the odd man out and neither one of them seem to remember everything I did for them, and I guess 17 fails to remember me losing my whole life to stand behind him when he abused 8....really?

So needless to say I can't scream at him, I can't tell him how I am really feeling.  Because it might affect his progress and how far he has come.  However what I would LOVE more than anything to say is YOU made it to where MY baby didn't want to be here anymore, I had to let MY baby go live with his dad, and YOU want me to be happy and support YOU in bringing another life into this world when you have thoroughly fucked our lives up? Sorry, but I can't be happy, and then his girlfriend blocked me from Facebook? Real mature sunshine.  Whatever.  Tonight I told him I would not bother him anymore if that is what he wanted and he could just do whatever he wanted without the hindrance of me caring.  Of course that is not what he wants, I am all he freaking has ever known, he does not have anyone but me, and let us be for real, statistics show that although he and his girlfriend may in fact make it awhile, the chances of them sticking it out for the long run are rare. So who does that leave him with in the end? Me!

Just upset again tonight, I let him get to me, I let him make me cry.  I just wish he would realize how much I have let him affect me, and my other children.  He has broken apart everything I have ever worked so hard to achieve, and he doesn't even care.......=/

The days are getting easier.....

For the moment, things seem to have started to get easier.  I love talking to 8 now, even though it has to be over the phone I can hear the dramatic difference in his voice.  I can hear the happy in him.  I can't say this enough, I am so happy for him, that he made a very grown up decision and was able to regain the control back over his situation.  I am proud of myself for being able to allow him to make that decision, while it ripped me apart on the inside to start with, hearing him laugh, a true genuine laugh only instills that I have done the right thing.

It was his 1st day at his new school today, his new school offers rewards to children who are doing well in their behavior and what not.  He earned one Eagle Dollar yesterday that he is able to spend at the school store, he can earn many more of them, he said one of his friends had FIFTY Eagle Dollars!!!! He said he was surely going to save up fifty Eagle Dollars as well. 

This happy boy is being raised up from the ashes that I allowed him to live in, he would run away from me, throw things, kick things, not listen, scream out, spit, hit, kick, bite me, we have been through so much...I wish to God I would have not been so selfish sooner, and made this choice for him sooner, because honestly I feel as though I took away from him 2 years he will never get back...all because I wanted to keep him safe, I wanted to be the one to kiss his boo-boos and make everything alright....I just was not able to....and now, the person who I never trusted to take control of that situation and turn it right, is proving to do just what I thought he never could.  He is giving me my son back, my happy boy.....my perfect boy =D.

Get some rest little buddy....Day 2 of your NEW SCHOOL starts tomorrow!!!! Another opportunity for you to win Eagle Dollars....BOOM!!!!! How exciting!!!! <3

Mommy loves you to infinity and beyond, a day after forever.......xxo

SuperBowl Sunday....the end of my 1st weekend visit with 8....

Patriots v. Giants

Superbowl and all of the thousands, possibly millions of people that watch it, just seems so small in my life with everything else that is going on.

Today marks the end of my 1st weekend visit with my son since he has went to live with his dad.  It was different visiting and being the non-custodial parent to him.  But it was nice, I don't want to speak to soon and say that it was better, but HE seemed better, he was in a good mood, his attitude was just so much more positive and different than it had been in the weeks and months that preceded the decision for him to go live with his dad.  It was an amazing weekend to say the least and I wouldn't change any of my decisions at this moment of the game for anything.  It's working, my baby is coming back, he deserves this more than anyone.  He has been through so much, it is about time he starts to feel like he has some control over his own life.  This is proving to be a positive decision.

AND THE GIANTS WIN THE SUPERBOWL 2012!!!!! And the crowd goes wild, and the confetti falls, and the disappointment from the other team is not even heard because of the chants and wonder and excitement from the Giants fans all across the stadium!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Did today really go as planned???

I don't know how to explain it, I said Day 10 was going to be easier, and guess what?  Day 10 was easier!!! It was just me and 11 and 8, but the 3 of us had an amazing day!!! We got up this morning with the plans of going to this really awesome kid place, they would have gotten to do crafts and stuff and then we were going to go ice skating....well that was my plan.  Their plan must have been different, because we ended up at the mall, and then we went to build-a-bear, and then walked around for awhile, and then we went out to eat, lots of laughing and playing around, it was awesome, we went for a pretty long drive afterwards and I could tell they were getting tired, so we came home, after stopping at Wal-Mart and renting a few movies =) we came home and I got quite a bit of housework done this evening....they even offered to help me!!!! Who are these kids??? I really didn't have to pull out the "mom voice" hardly at all today.  It is nice to have 8 back, he is laying here next to me watching tv, giggling and laughing, it is so sweet....I sure missed him!!!!


Day 11 should be dually as wonderful as day 10.....Superbowl Sunday!!!! However 8 has to go back to his dads, and get in a routine because he starts his 1st day of school Monday....at his new school.....at his dad's house, he is excited, I have to be excited for him.

No title today, I am just not feeling it.

I like to leave things untitled, that way when they become a disaster they have no label, nothing to "blame", just yourself and the decisions that led you up to this point.  Is it a cycle?  Probably.  How do you break it?  You tell me.

They say in order to establish a routine something has to be done for 13 days, if you successfully make it through those 13 days, it is then a habit, and you will just do it.  I don't know.  17 and 8 (my kids) moved out 9 days ago, this is not feeling like something I am just going to get used to.  This is not feeling like something that out of force of habit that I am going to be able to overcome.  But in the same sense I know they are happier where they are.  Maybe that is what is killing me, maybe that is what hurts the most, is knowing that they are happier somewhere else then they are with me.  Well ok, let's make the best of it.  Let us have fun when we are around each other and not spend every time we are together clinging to one another, because ultimately kid, I will smother you!!! Because I am used to daily hugs and kisses, something I am not getting anymore, something that I feel like I must gather all in one weekend, and in the process, smother you and make it no fun at all.  That is utter B.S... I have to quit thinking like that.  My kids are happier somewhere else.  I must live with that.  I must transform the children that stayed in my home into positive young men, I must do everything in my power to not mess up anymore and quit seeing everyone's lives and everyone's emotions through MY eyes, because the fact is, they have their own little brains, their own beating hearts, and well quite frankly, all of this could have been prevented if I would have thought outside of the box in the past.

I am outside of the box now.

I have no idea how to live out here, I have no idea how to mother out here, I have no idea who I am out here.  I guess ultimately it is time to retrain myself.  What do I do in my free time now?  Do I sleep?  NO I can't just sleep my life away wishing my kids were all back home.  I must do something positive.  Do I take up photography again, like I have always planned and wanted?  Absolutely the best possible plan, do something I love, possibly reap some tangible rewards, and be able to do even more things with my children.

I may not be a genius, but this blogging thing has really got me thinking.  I can do this.  I can become this wonderMOM that I have always wanted to be.  Maybe not with ALL of my children IN my house, but I AM STILL THEIR MOM!!!!!!!!

Day 10 is going to be better than the days that have preceded it=)

They call this life?

Well ok here it is, I am a single mother.  I have made an unconscious decision to be a single mother, however through choices that I have made, I believe that I am pretty much solely responsible for that.
It's Ok, I am Ok with it.  But sometimes I wish I had someone around to share the everyday burden with me.  Not that my kids are a burden, but it seems as though they require more of me, than I actually have.  So lets talk about what is actually going on and see what you think at the end.

I got pregnant when I was 13, I am 31 now, so I have been a mother the better part of my life, I wouldn't change it for anything, but now that they are growing up some, I would for sure change some of THEIR decisions. Maybe this is my karma, maybe this is my curse, but whatever it is, I am not happy in it.

My mother was a complete fuck up my entire childhood, she had a nervous breakdown and threw me to the wayside like that was an option.  No big deal, left me there to my abusive alcoholic no good father to fend for myself, yes thank you.  Grew up too quick, got pregnant, and again, and again, and again, 4 living kids, 1 in heaven.......lost my kids in a court battle for an entire fucking year, lost a baby at 2 days old, my dad died, got my kids back, my house burned down, was in an abusive relationship, another house fire, son got in trouble, lost my job, house, car, ended up homeless, and now through it all I have came up from the depths of hell to make a really good attempt at being happy again.  Went from homeless shelter to sincerely doing well in ONE year.....and now.  FUCK!!!!!

My oldest son is 17, just spent the last year in inpatient treatment for being an abuser, we won't go into that at the moment, but it was not physical abuse and it was not drug abuse.  Use your imagination.  It affected my whole family, but it mainly affected my youngest son.  We all supported my oldest son through everything, through the Children's Division, through the treatment, family therapy, I am talking everything.... he came home, threatened to kill himself, put his hands on me, and now to top things off is going to have a baby in August.  A fucking baby, are you serious?  He moved out.  No longer lives with me, I cannot support his decisions any longer, nor will I.  I do not have time to let my other children suffer at his hands anymore.  I love him, but if he can't see what he has dragged my family through up to this point, and if he doesn't care, then why should we? We can't.  I have to move forward.

Next son...Age 15- This boy looks like me, every bit of him is me, sometimes I feel as though I am looking in the mirror when I look at him.  He went from being the nicest most sincere kid in the world, to an Emo punk kid.  Failing all of his classes, being physically abusive to his brothers, not doing anything asked of him, arguing everything, picking at his skin, causing utter havoc, trying anything he can that would make a rebellious statement, growing his hair out, dying it dark, piercing his lip, having sex, trying drugs, he does not get it, I will not follow him through this, if he gets in trouble, he is on his own, I will not drag my family through that again.  I tell him this all of the time, he does not believe me, watch- I swear I will not fight this battle for him, I am trying to help him I have him in therapy, psychiatry, everything, I try to get along with him, try to get him to want to be a good kid, to want the best out of everything...he doesn't care. Ultimately leading me to not care. Unfortunate.

Next son...Age 11- ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER the real deal- I never believed in this before I had this child. The "motor" that they say controls a child with ADHD, I think mine has 2.  He is a good boy though, very sincere, always aiming to please, he is in special education, his brothers call him retarded all of the time.  He cries a lot, I wish I could make everything in his world just slow down, but as much as I have tried, I have been unsuccessful, he is by far my sweetest child, always wanting to help me, wanting my attention, wanting to see me smile.  I think he has the most genuine attitude, he WANTS to do right, he WANTS to be something wonderful, it is just harder for him than most kids, because of his uncontrollable drive.  I see so much for this boy, and I hope that through all of the crazy, he can salvage some sort of normalcy for himself and create something awesome out of it.

My last born baby...Age 8- The child that I purposely created after losing my daughter at 2 days old.  The baby who I begged for and wanted more than I have ever wanted anything else in this world, we had a bond like no one else in this world could have ever had, and then it was torn apart by my oldest sons decisions, my baby was ripped from me in every sense of the word however his body was still there, his innocence was stripped from him and I lost him - I tried everything to keep him with me, we were homeless, we fought every step of the way, we had it, we were at the finish line, and then he told me what I never wanted to hear...."I want to go live with my dad", and deep down I already knew it was the best thing, through everything I was so fucking selfish, I just wanted him here with me.  "I" wanted to keep him safe, "I" am his fucking mother, why would I not want that...but he wanted his daddy, so I let him go.

The deep dark hole in my stomach continues to grow, it is full of hate, and anger, distrust, despise, hostility, resentment, pain, bitterness, anxiety, angst, panic and uncertainty, every day it continues to grow and it does not seem to be closing, only getting bigger, deeper, and harder to deal with by the day.

I have lost myself, I have lost the Mother of the Year award, I have lost every hope and value that I once had for my family and now all I try to do day to day is salvage one fucking simple piece of decency from an otherwise completely fucked up situation.

So what now.