The relationship continued....

So things have taken a weird turn, it seems like since I have chosen to withdraw myself from our relationship and not care what takes place and what doesn't he is getting bothered by it, and taking more and more notice to it by the day.

Instead of him being the depressed mess, it is me.  I am the one who withdraws myself from things, mainly because I am tired of setting myself up for disappointment and not being able to achieve the things I am trying so hard to achieve.

However he still has not gotten the sole reason why I have decided to withdraw myself, I am sick of being so lonely all of the time.  I am tired of waiting and waiting for the emotional connection that we share, and I am sick of waiting for the intimacy from him that I so desire.  So I have just put my wall back up, the only thing that is doing however is causing bitterness and resentment for all of the effort that I had put forth and still have no effort from him, he seems happier with me being down on myself, he seems like he is in a better mood when I am sad.  I don't understand that, it seems like the more chaos and sadness he can create inside me, the better he feels about himself.

I am finding that I am putting a huge barrier between the 2 of us, I am doing things that I want to do, and he is doing things that he wants to do, and that makes him content even though I am still waiting for something amazing to take place between the 2 of us.

This is difficult, I have never in my life been with someone who does not have a physical connection with me, never in my life had to beg for attention, affection, mutual connection, conversation, or any thing else for that matter, I have always been given these things willingly, without question.

Something as simple as laying on the couch together and watching a movie could make me the happiest girl in the world, but it seems like it is super far out of his realm and his grasp, he does not appear that he can get comfortable around me, and so he just chooses not to do anything at all.

8 months.......we have been together for 8 months today.

Secretly I am afraid I am falling out of love with him, after only 8 short months, nothing is changing, and my emotional needs are definitely not getting met, and that scares me.  I want nothing more than to love him, that he and I and my kids and his kids can become one big happy family, but there is always that barrier to that, those are HIS kids, and these are MY kids, and nothing seems to be changing as far as that goes no matter how many conversations we seem to have, we will never be a real "family", he doesn't know what family is all about, he always tells me things like "that isn't how I was raised" or whatever, yea I get that, this is not how I was raised either, which is why I want something so different for our children....he is not cooperative and does not understand why I get so frustrated, the kids are just kids, and they will always be completely screwed up emotionally unless I can show them something different, unless we can show them something different, and if we are not on the same page, then they will never know anything different.

I am tired of being a teacher, I want to be on the same team, either both teachers, or both students, or both just in something together, it seems like everything we do is a huge challenge, and I am withdrawing myself from it more and more by the day.  None of this is what I want to do.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, I do not want to take his hand and place it on me, I want him to want to touch me, I do not want the head slam kisses that I get in the mornings, or the quick little pecks that I get when he gets home from work, I just know there is so much more to this life, and I am not getting out of it what I desire which is causing me lots of pain.

So what do I do, do I keep fighting for what I want, in hopes that one day he will get it and realize how amazingly in love with him that I am, or do I just stop it all right here and prevent myself from feeling anymore heartache from him?  Sometimes you just have to walk away and hope that things will work themselves out.  A tiny piece of me wants to just call it quits, walk away, and hope that he figures out how important I am.  But more of me thinks that if he walks away we are both going to find it easier and that will just be the end of us.....forever.  But what I want more than anything is a forever with him....the old him, the him that I miss, the him that I love, the him that I desire to be around to love, honor and cherish forever, the him that used to want the same thing with me.

I am losing myself slowly, but losing myself none the less, I want this man more than anything, but he can't seem to see through his own blind selfishness to notice that I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.

I want to feel him, breathe him, live him, love him, everything him......

The problem is I can walk through my everyday with every direct motion correct, every conversation based on my love for him, and he will pick out of it what he wants to hear turn it all around and jack it all up and then feed it back to me completely backwards to the way I said it making it an argument instead of a helping tool.

I am losing it.  All of it.  My desire to try, my desire to want, my desire to love.....him.

Hopefully I can get it back, I guess only time will tell.

</3

The relationship......

I have not blogged in a very long time, so I thought that since I was having a lot of emotional drawbacks, now would be a good time to touch on a lot of things that have my mind in a constand whirlwind of sorts.

I am in a relationship with a man that I love.

However, things are not all glitter and unicorns to say the least. 

My boyfriend is very selfish, he lives in his own depressed state much of the time, and he has a much harder shell to crack through then anyone I have ever dealt with in the past.

It seems to me that he is very selfish, always looking out for his own well being above anyone elses.  He does not seem to care when he hurts my feelings, as long as his own feelings leave him feeling as though he is not the weakest link.  Everything seems like it bothers him, and makes him angry.  My children and I spend a lot of our time trying to come up with ways to make him happy, or make our day go by without an argument, but even that is drawing thin, we are all kind of tired of constantly tiptoeing around our own house trying to please someone who cannot be pleased.

In saying that I want to make things work with him, it just seems like I am losing myself in the midst of trying to make him happy and that is not fair to any of us.  I practically worship the ground he walks on, I make him feel sexy, and amazing, I talk him up all of the time, and he soaks all of that up and then toots his own horn as well.  He does not do the same in return, he makes me feel horrible about myself, I get dressed in front of him, he pays me no attention, I beg for cuddle or sex time that I may get once every 4 weeks or so, he witholds emotions from me, and I don't understand....that is the most important part of a relationship.....the sheer emotion, the intimacy, the things that make us in a relationship and not meerly roommates....

I don't know what to do, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, or ask him, or beg him, it seems like the louder that I scream the more his emotional brick wall goes up between us.

Honestly I am losing myself and getting tired of trying, begging and wishing, hoping and dreaming that things will change, when I have seen time and time again that they won't.  Still I try, because I love him....he is the 1st person that I have given my all to, the first person that I could see me being with long into forever, but I don't understand the gap of emotion between the 2 of us.

When I ask him what is wrong he always puts it off on my kids, well he is not used to being in a house with a 17, 15, 12 and 8 year old, all of this is new to him.....ok well.....as true as that may be, he signed up for this because he fell in love with me, and its not like I hid the children from him, he met them the same day that he met me.... so I don't see what the problem is.

It seems as though my kids can never do anything right, they lack "common sense" or so he says all of the time, and if "his" kids lived here all of the time he could prove to me how much better "his" kids were than mine......or at least that is how I take it.

My kids have been through a lot, and I wish that he wasn't putting them through more, but it seems like he can't help it, and it is just in his everyday to be mad at the world, and bring it home and take it out on one or all of us.  No fair.

My kids kind of let it roll off their back, but it is emotionally tearing me apart, I have the highest anxiety in the world, I have even been to the doctor because I thought I was having a heart attack, turns out that it is just my anxiety getting the best of me, and the doctor put me on medication to regulate it.....freaking great, now I have solely let him be the thing that puts me on medication, because I have been able to deal with every freaking thing in my life in the past without it, and be fine, but this love of mine is going to be the thing that tears me apart emotionally?

What do I do?  I want to be with him, I do not under any circumstance want to break up with him, but I want things to change, I want to be happy again, I do not want to sleep all day, and cry, and be sad all of the time, I do not want to walk on pins and needles to make anyone happy other than myself, so how can I make him understand this?  I have had this conversation with him before, but it doesn't seem to sink in, I need him to want me as much as I want him, and love me as much as I love him or it isn't going to work and I know that.....

Life's Failures.....

It has always been known to me that I was not very good at a lot of things. 
I am not good at drawing, I am not good at fixing my own hair, I am not good at staying organized, I am not good at keeping up my own yard....there are many things that I am not good at.

As a young child all I ever wanted to be was a wife, and a mother.

I was a failure as a wife, and I have the divorce papers to prove it.

And recently I have learned that I have become a failure as a mother as well.  I do not under any circumstance know how I could have been expected to succeed since I was never given the proper tools necessary to know how to be a mother, I have never been shown unconditional love from anyone, so I do not know how I would or could be expected to be a good mom to my kids.  However 17 years later....after everything we have been through, I thought I had been doing a good job, until my son proved me otherwise.

In this life you can only prepare for day to day objectives.  You are never given a choice on chaos or disaster and how you are able to overcome and learn from it.  I have always tried to do my best, especially for my children.  But 17 has proven to me, that I have failed at that.

I guess I have always been a bad mother in his eyes, and never been able to quite reach the bar of what a mom is supposed to be for him.

8 no longer lives with me, I guess that too is another proof to add to the list of things.

15 tells me he hates me all of the time- still another proof.

12 tells me he hates me and always wishes he was somewhere else, be it with a relative, or in the hospital- still yet another proof.

So I guess I have not done the job that I set out to do.  Maybe everything I thought I was, every fiber of my being that told me that I was a good mom and an advocate for my children, maybe every ounce of effort that I have ever given to my children has been wasted effort because they all seem to hate me.

I don't know, all I do know is I need to make a choice at this point.....do I continue to ruin their lives as they so believe I am doing, or do I hand the bar to someone else and hope that someone else can live up to the expectations that they have set out for what a good mother is.

17 and 8 already live somewhere else.

Do I give 15 and 12 that opportunity as well?  Because I know given the opportunity they would take it.

What do I do?  Do I continue showing them all of the love I have to give for them to become adults and turn away from me like I never existed?  I just am kind of at a loss for words at the moment, I have never understood how it felt to be banished from a child, and honestly it is one of the hardest emotionally warped feelings I have ever had.

This is all just talk for anyone reading this, just my feelings......I love my kids with everything I am, I will continue to raise 15 and 12 and see 8 as often as I can, I can only hope that at some point 17 realizes how much he means to my life and he comes to talk to me.....

</3

And then there were 3.....

Well 17 has disowned me.....

I cannot say that this doesn't hurt, but for the meantime I guess it is his choice.

I am paying for 15's cell phone bill.  17's cell phone is currently shut off.  Because he did not pay his bill.
Please remember 17 has made the decision to be an adult, to not live with me, to have a pregnant girlfriend, to have a job, to take himself off of his medications.

I am in no way responsible for his cell phone.

However, if he wants to be mad at me, and hate me because of it, then more power to him.

I cannot believe that he is being this way and it really hurts, but in the same hand I feel like I have done all there is to do for him, and if he wants to disassociate himself from my life then that is on him.

It is sad really that he cannot see everything that I have done for him.  That I have loved him unconditionally and will continue to love him unconditionally forever.

But if we are no longer Mother/Son, and he wants to cuss at me and call me by my 1st name, then I guess we can be on that level....

Always and Forever I will love him, however I do not have to tolerate his behavior and choices towards me.

I hope he realizes by choosing to hate me, he is also punishing his brothers, who he will not see, nor communicate with until he talks to me....I will not have him bashing me to my other children.

My Love Horoscope 6-6-12

Your Love Horoscope

You may be going through some negative energy period in your romantic affairs, Leo, but this is a period that is short lived. Whether you are single or attached, you may be finding yourself somewhat distressed over the energy that is present in your love life, and this will lead you into some moments of withdrawal. If you are feeling like you need to avoid any serious discussions or potential arguments, then your instinct is telling you to take some down time for you today. Take a break from any major decisions or conversation when it comes to love. If it feels to heavy, just take a time out today and find something that fulfills you, even if it means some time alone.

New Happenings.......

Well a lot of new things have taken place since I last wrote here on this blog.....

I will touch base on many things, elaborate on some and try and fill in some details of significant things.

We will start with 17.

He GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! He did it, and I am very proud of him!!!! He got a job where he gets very minimal hours, but he goes every time he is scheduled, he and his girlfriend are preparing for their child to be born in September and are making future plans to be successful parents......very pleased with this situation at the moment.

15- failed the 9th grade, has to attend summer school that he is not interested in going to either, tells me school is stupid, tells me I am stupid, as are his brothers and my boyfriend, and anything that he can label....has no drive or motivation to do anything that is not beneficial to him, just behaving badly all the way around.  But blames me for it.

11 is now 12 =)
He has been admitted to a Children's Mental Hospital for 5 days, has had his diagnosis' changed and is on a new medication, seems to be doing well, I will touch base on this in another post because it is kind of long.

8- Doing great, very happy - could not be more pleased with the situation.

My mom- Long term residential care facility that she started  May 29, 2012, it is a phasing program where she will learn daily living skills for 8-18 months, then move forward to transitional living for 8-18 months to prove that she can apply those skills, and then on to an apartment that will be staffed 24 hours, however she will have her own space again and maybe be able to succeed fully for the rest of her days.....She is mad at me, but we can only hope for the best, I personally do not care, she can hate me the rest of her days....as long as she is fed, clothed, taken care of, clean, stable and has her medications properly administered to her, I could really care less how mad at me she is....at least she is safe!!!

My relationship- we are doing amazing!!!! We have definitely had a few days where we were unsure how steady the road was going to be....but we have found our place, and we are happy in it!!!! I love him more every day!!!

Repetition

I guess it is just that I get so tired sometimes of repeating the same things from my past.  You would think that I had learned from my past mistakes and would not want to relive them, but it is this damn wall that gets in my way.  I can't help but get upset.

Here is the scenario:

My bf and I have decided to work together to get 11 and 15 on board to listen and to be good, do chores, be respectful, etc. etc.  And everything was going pretty good.  Last week, the kids slipped one time, and he was all like "Just forget it, they will never listen to me, so I am just going to let them do whatever they want, and you can deal with it when you get home", ummmm ok?  I have always dealt with it, so nothing new, but that is just one less thing that he is doing that he said he would help me with.

So he got back on board, it was his birthday over the weekend, I did everything he wanted to do, I toted his drunk ass around, hung out completely sober with his drunk friends, did everything that I was supposed to do, and all with a smile on my face.

Today while I am at work, he came home and got mad, 11 and 15 were home because they had poison ivy.  They had done quite a few of their chores and the house was far from dirty.  Nevertheless he got mad, and blew up on me, again via facebook......like I did it.  So I snapped back.

He told me that he was going to stay somewhere else tonight, I told him that was his decision, however if he stayed somewhere else tonight, he needed to just STAY there.....he was like "for good?" well duh, if I am not good enough to come home and work things out with tonight, then I am not good enough to come home to tomorrow.

He is used to young girlfriends, not girlfriends who have lived the life I have lived.  Clearly.

So he came home, went strait to the bedroom and that is where he stayed.  We have not spoken, he may as well have stayed somewhere else.  Because him being here, has only put me on the couch for the night.

Quite frankly I am sick of him being such a jerk.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is always taking what other people do wrong out on me, and it is really sincerely quite bs.

I have no idea how much longer I am going to deal with this, probably not going to be able to handle it much longer.  I want him to understand that I am not the one for this, and that all he has to do is talk to me, and he doesn't have to be such a jerk to me all of the time.  But I don't know if he is learning that or not.....

My wall is going back up, I can feel myself distancing myself, most times when this happens I want to cry, and I get all upset.....I do not feel sad tonight, I don't even feel mad....I feel sorry for him because he is self sabotaging himself, and our relationship.....and I am really good about severing ties, and moving on.....it is pretty much all I know.

I just want so much more with him.  I feel as though maybe he just feels like I am a "stopping point" in his life.  Like maybe a forever to him DOES mean a couple months, or a couple of years....I just want a forever, and that has always seemed like too much to ask....

I am starting to get worried, because I am sick of wasting years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, of my life.......if I continue to see it as wasted time and he continues to be more hassle than help then I am going to have to back out.....

Damn it.

Emergency Contact?

This is a kicker, it kind of brings it all back home.

I went to the emergency room yesterday, because I had an impaction in my ear, let me be the 1st to tell you, that is the most painful thing in the WORLD!!!!

As I was going through registration the woman says: Who would you like to list as your emergency contact.....


There was a huge delay, as I ran through my head the very small list of people who are "of age" and would actually care if something emergency like happened to me.....

Mom- in the psychiatric hospital
Dad- Dead
Mom's Family- strangers
Dad's Family- strangers
Boyfriend- 3 months
Brother- lost his # and have not spoke to him in awhile
Brother's Mom- I use her for everything =/ but have not seen her in awhile.
My best friend- we have become distant in the last few months. She does not seem to want to be bothered by me and what I have going on in my life, she has her own life and things going on too.

And there it was......my list.......now who to choose from that.

I opted for my boyfriend.

It is a terrible feeling to realize that tiny list is of the people outside of my children MAY care if something happened to me in the hospital.

I guess it was just a sad scary realization once again that I truly only really have ME to count on in this life, me and my kiddo's now if 17 would hurry up and turn 18, I would list him.  But they said that it had to be someone "of age".......

Still won't change the fact that very small list is my life.....

Sometimes I just don't get it, I struggle everyday to prove myself to everyone, anyone, and in the process I get shut out time and time again......makes no sense to me.

I wonder what it would have been like to have parents who cared, a family who cared.

But that is as far as it goes......it is a wonder.....because I will never know.

My mother.......

If I have any personally known readers, (I know I have a few) who know anything about me, it is that my mother has some major mental health issues.  I mean seriously.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior.  It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population.  The disorder, characterized by intense emotions, self-harming acts and stormy interpersonal relationships, was officially recognized in 1980 and given the name Borderline Personality Disorder. It was thought to occur on the border between psychotic and neurotic behavior. 

Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that has affected people throughout history. About 1 percent of Americans have this illness.  People with the disorder may hear voices other people don't hear. They may believe other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. This can terrify people with the illness and make them withdrawn or extremely agitated.
People with schizophrenia may not make sense when they talk. They may sit for hours without moving or talking. Sometimes people with schizophrenia seem perfectly fine until they talk about what they are really thinking.  Families and society are affected by schizophrenia too. Many people with schizophrenia have difficulty holding a job or caring for themselves, so they rely on others for help.

 Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Major Depression Disorder- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.

These are her MAIN disorders.

Anyways she had another "SPELL" and when I say that I believe that to be more than one of her disorders coming out at the same time brightly and her losing her sanity ground.

She ended up in the psychiatric hospital and upon discharge will be admitted into a residential housing fairly close to my home.

I can't help but feel bad, like I have given up on her......but I haven't........hopefully she will learn that one day.  However I can't help but feel like this is going to be the closing point to our relationship. =/

 

The Temporary Post.....

I probably won't leave this post up very long, for many reasons, mainly because I am afraid it will stumble into the wrong hands and that someone will find out that it is about ME and MY life, and then that will just lead to a whole bunch of other issues.

Anyways, here goes.

Tuesday- after I got my divorce, I had a plan.  My boyfriend was supposed to be home around 3:30 and so was I, so we were going to work on the downstairs and get it ready for us to put our room down there, but since my divorce finally went through, I thought ah, we will just go to dinner, you know and celebrate.

I did not mention it to the boyfriend.  Just because he should have been home at 3:30 anyways.

4:15- text received- have to run an errand be home soon.

8:00- he shows up.

I had already went out and purchased dinner for EVERYONE and his was in the microwave.

I told him where his dinner was and walked outside to smoke.

He followed me out and asked if I was mad.

"Not mad, just disappointed"

His words were jumbled, I could just tell......"have you been drinking" I asked him.

"yes"

"And driving" I said.

"yes"

(He has 2 DUI's on his driving record and currently has a revoked license)

"Now I am mad", I got up and went upstairs to my room.

Several hours later we had a little dispute on facebook, and he decided to sleep in the basement on the floor.

WHATEVER!!!!

He didn't speak to me when he woke up in the morning, and was gone before I woke up.

Didn't hear anything from him for hours.

11:30am. Text.  "So where do we stand"

Really?

We had a rather extensive conversation over facebook about him always saying he should leave, everytime we get into an argument, he thinks he needs to leave.  I told him I wouldn't stop him and if that is what he wanted then please by all means....LEAVE!!!!

I don't want him to leave, but I am also not going to stop him.

Last night we had a major conversation:

I told him he was NOT a good boyfriend.  I do everything, I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, I clean, I cook, I do the laundry....he does what he wants, when he wants, he spends his money the way he wants, and his time the way he wants, and I am left to do that much more work for another person in my household.

I called bullshit.

I told him it was never going to work like this and that he needed to start doing what needed to be done to continue in a relationship with me.

I tried to be steady but serious, but not come off as too much of a bitch.

He seemed to understand, even told me to make him give me his paycheck on Friday (yea right) I told him I would not ask him for his money, but if he wanted me to handle his money then I would and I would make it last for him, and still pay bills and stuff.

Before we fell asleep he asked me for $10.00!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

He makes TWO TIMES as much as I make, I have paid for freaking literally EVERYTHING and he is out of money 2 days before payday!!!!!!

I asked him where all of his money went.

He really had no answer.

We will see what Friday brings.

God I love that man with all of me, but I do not need to care for anyone else....for a change I would like it if someone cared for me!!!!!!

Finally Divorced!!!!!

Well after almost 10 years of marriage (7 of which we have been separated) I am legally divorced.

It has not really changed my day to day living much, my last name changed, I have 21 pages where a Judge has signed on what is in the best interest of my children......however nothing is really any different.

Just Divorced.

My grandbaby is a....................

Well I just found out yesterday that I am going to have a grandson.

He is due September 19, 2012.

They are naming him Hayze Nathaniel.

I got to see the ultrasound yesterday, and he is a feisty little guy, kicking and moving and wiggling around.  I was happy to see 17 so excited, he wanted a boy.

I think he will be a good dad =)

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you.

Things couldn't be better.  It is like a dropped all of my worries, my fears, my everything and just started to love, and being loved in return couldn't be better.

I love this man with everything I am.  I keep talking to him about possibly getting married when we are 50 years old.  lol.  

Last night I said to him:  Let's run away and get married in Las Vegas.  He said "when", baffled by his answer I said "July...................................2040", he said "well the world is supposed to end in December of THIS year", I was like oh...well July of this year then.......we just stopped the conversation, but at least I know he is thinking of this for the long run as well and that sets my mind at ease SO much!!!!

he undoubtedly has my heart and I am very able to say I am happily taken,and totally in love <3!!!!!

Questioning Motives.....

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em

I am going to have to give you a tiny bit of history so that you understand where this is all coming from prior to telling you the story, so bear with me.

I was raised by my father.  

Definition of "My Father"- Drunk, Abusive, Vulgar, Scary, Harmful, Ignorant, Arrogant, Spiteful, Non-Trusting, Non-Caring, Drug User, Addict.......etc.  I am sure you get the picture.

My father abused me throughout much of my childhood, I believe it was due to the alcohol, and the drug use.  His friends were also users and abusers.  I was around them all, almost constantly.  I was a pretty sad, scared and angry child to say the least.

Fast Forward Several Years.

I was in a relationship with a man that I had known for several years (several being 17) when we 1st started out relationship I could tell he was very jealous, however that was one of the things that I liked about him in the beginning.  That jealousy soon turned into obsession, hate and rage, he inevitably controlled every move that I made and eventually turned his obsession into abuse.  1st time- I left.  Filed a restraining order and vowed to never deal with that again.  The way he made me feel emotionally was more than I could deal with, I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of him, that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, that feeling of being a child pushed up into a corner while my dad repeatedly struck me in the back of the head- he had that kind of power over me, the kind that made me remember things from my childhood that I pushed so far back I rarely thought of.  The feeling that brings tears to my eyes, however I do not share much insight into my past to anyone, so it is usually questionable to everyone as to why I am upset, or why do I look sad.  My usual answer is "I don't know", or "Maybe I am just emotional because it is getting closer to that time of the month".  

Few people know my history, I have allowed a few close people brief insights, but no one knows the half of it, and still I am unwilling to share that here at this moment.

Fast Forward to the Present and my reason for speaking of the aforementioned history.

So I have been in a relationship again with my new boyfriend for almost 3 months.  He is nothing like my ex, or my father.  However I still have that sinking feeling a lot.  I am unsure if it is just because I am waiting for something terrible to happen, or if I have trained myself that when I am in a "loving" relationship that I should not get comfortable because it will end eventually and I am trying to spare myself a broken heart?  I really am unsure, and I am sure he is confused by it.

He is- Amazing, sweet, super attractive, kind, hard worker, healthy, funny, wonderful, he has a drive to make me happy that I am not used to, he is hygienic and likes to make himself look nice, he can fix anything, he can make my heart skip a beat just by looking at me, and I love him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone.

Problem must lie within me however.

I tend to distance myself from relationships, one slip up and I am ready to throw in the towel.  

I can feel the distance with him for sure, and he has mentioned it as well, if something happens I tend to withdraw myself and don't speak or talk to anyone about anything, he has told me on a few occasions that he doesn't know how to react when I close up like that because I just go to my own little world and block everyone out, mainly it is to prevent an argument, or confrontation, but it has just become my way of dealing with it, because I don't want to lash out at him and make him WANT to leave.  I don't want to throw in the towel, I don't want to push him away.  I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with him......forever!

This past weekend (Easter weekend) was amazing, he was wonderful, and it reminded me again why I am so in love with him =) 

I love the way his eyes sparkle when he looks at me, the way he kisses me just because he wants to, the way he holds my hand, the way he touches me, the way we play around, the way everything just seems perfect when we are together.

I am trying really hard to let that wall completely down for him, and I know if it comes down for anyone, it will be HIM!!!!!!

Moving Backwards Emotionally

These past few days have been really hard for me, and I don't really know why.  My anxiety is flying high, my chest is tight, my muscles hurt, I feel like I can't breathe, like I am going to cry, like I am lost, I don't even really know what the EXACT cause of my anxiety is, all I know is that it is there, and while I am trying my hardest not to show anyone, I can tell that some of the people that know me, have started to notice.

I can't help it!!! I have been so strong for so long, and it just kind of feels as though everything is catching up to me.  I really just want ONE stress free day! But I cannot get that.  Yesterday 11 got in a fight with a legally blind child.....great! I talked to the mother and we made the boys apologize and now they are friends, but that is not before I got the calls at work from my hysterical son, and not before I got the text messages from the adult who was at home about how I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH THIS WHEN I GOT HOME!!! I did deal with it, and it turned out fine, but I sometimes wonder in my head how much the people around me think I can handle?  I wonder if they think "I am going to keep dropping all of this on her and see just how strong she is", because eventually I won't be able to carry anything else, and ultimately I will break.  Some days I think I am very close to that moment, while other days just seem to pass me by as if my world is normal and everything is perfect.

I have been having regular panic attacks every morning.

I hate saying that because it makes me feel weak! I refuse to go to the doctor to get them treated, because honestly he may prescribe me a pill or two, but I won't take them so ultimately it would be a waste of both his time and mine.

I feel like I have dealt with EVERYTHING with a clear head, nothing fogging up my judgment, nothing making me unclear, I have dealt with everything raw and at 100%, these little daily things are so minimal when you look at the big picture, so I just don't want to feel like now I am going backwards!!!! I want to just finish this all up and move forward!!!!!

I really don't know how to prepare myself from one day to the next.  My brain is like stuck on survivor mode and all I care about is making sure that every member of my family is safe, and happy.  Although it seems as though I am failing at that.  17 rarely calls anymore, I haven't seen him since he day he punched himself in the face 10 times in the parking lot at the movie theater, I guess that has been almost 2 weeks now..... I see 8 every other weekend, but his dad and I are still in Court, so calling him through the week seems a little like I am over stepping my boundaries, 15 is in rehab, and 11 is home, my mom is home, my boyfriend is home, I am home.  

We have been getting our house in order, and fixing some things up, my boyfriend has been amazing, sometimes he probably thinks I am crazy, because even on calm nights something has to be wrong, I am used to living in complete and total chaos, so when NOTHING is happening, I feel like something is wrong, so I have a sudden desire to start looking towards everyone and picking apart everything they are doing......It is probably extremely unhealthy for me, and potentially for everyone else, but I have been in overdrive for so long, it is hard for me to know how to shut it off.....

I have to work on it.  I have to only deal with the issues that arise, and not create issues so I have something to deal with.

Rehab and 15.....

We were told 21 day impatient treatment, scheduled to have him there April 1, 2012.  When we showed up we learned it was a 60 day impatient treatment program.

Now 17 has moved out.
8 has moved in with his dad.
15 is in Drug rehab.

11 is the only one at home with me right now.  I really do not know how to be this mother.  I am used to being a very hands on mother of 4 kids.  I am struggling with this to say the least.

When 17 went to treatment he was there for 11 months, 60 days should be a cake walk.

I was able to speak to 15 on the phone yesterday, he said he was not feeling the whole 60 day thing, and that maybe I could come and get him after 21.  The deal is:  It is a 60 day program for a reason!  If I want to deal with this in the future then sure I will go pick him up, but I feel like I need to stick to my guns and let him stay the full 60 days.  He needs it.  He can learn from it, and hopefully when he gets home, it will be a lot easier to handle because he will be given the tools needed for success.....  If not, then at least we tried.

I know that if he is going to use drugs, he is going to use them regardless, and that ultimately HE is the one going to have to make the decision NOT to be a user.  But THIS rehab will give him some knowledge.  Many of the counselors there are past drug users, there to help kids, because they started out that way and lost track of their lives.  I want to catch it early so my son has a chance at life, not a wait and see pattern.

Anyways......I miss him.  I miss what our life used to be.  I miss family game nights, having all of my boys home when I got the camera out.  I miss making memories with my little men.....maybe I am selfish, but I just call it being a mom.

60 days - 3 days= 57 days.


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And just when you feel like you are almost to the top.....

Something knocks you back down again!!!

Yesterday was my Settlement Conference for my divorce that has been ongoing for almost 2 years now.  My son's father and I have been getting along great up until this point, but at the Settlement Conference, things got a little heated....

Remember we have ONE child together biologically, and he adopted my oldest 3, and now has nothing to do with them, so my oldest children are left without a father.

He wants: 

Custody of our 8 year old son (which he has and I have agreed to)

All of his past Child Support Arrearages to go away ($10,000) done, I agreed to that to.

No Child Support for my other children still in my home. (He has a current order in the amount of $791/mo) 

He wants me to have every other weekend and every other holiday with our son, which I have had in my care and custody his whole life until January 2012.

This is what we agreed to finally:

- Joint legal custody of ALL of the children with 8's primary residence being at his house, and the older ones being at mine.

- All of his $10,000 in back child support wiped out to a zero balance.

- He will pay $200.00/month in child support for my older kids.

- Every other weekend, every other holiday, every other optional Wednesday, three non-consecutive weeks in the summer for 8 to be with me.

- Reasonable visitation for him with my older kids, shall he choose to exercise it.

I agreed to ALL of this, during that time he told me how much he hated me, and wanted me out of his life and wished I would just go away.

Fine.  Done.

Problem is, while he wants nothing to do with my older 3 kids, I still plan to be a super active mother in 8's life, so I am really not just going to go away, and vanish into thin air, he can forget that plan, however as far as us potentially being friends, he has ruined any chance at that.  I am kind of mad about it, because we had been getting along so well, and that is in the best interest of 8, but he wants to be selfish and I am just a no good worthless piece of trash for wanting to make sure that my "other" kids are taken care of. It is just frustrating!  I am not mad at him really, just wish he would think before he opens his mouth.  

Luckily April 3rd it will all be over.

Really Kids.......really?

This weekend 17 and his girlfriend had an argument, which got a lot of people involved, now please do not forget.....the girlfriend is pregnant, with my son's baby.....ultimately my grandchild.  They got in a fight where she was yelling and screaming and crying, kicked my son out, and my son called me to come and get him, after I arrived it was not a pretty sight, they were in the parking lot of the movie theater having this "issue" with one another.  She had make-up all over her face from crying, my son admittedly had punched himself in the face 10 times causing a busted lip and some bleeding (?) I dealt with what I could, told 17 that if he continued to act that way then he was looking at a rather intensive hospital stay, he is very angry, very out of control and he lashes out and hits things and hurts himself.  It is getting a little out of control to say the least and it is really about time to get it back under control especially when he has a baby on the way, but he was too shaken up from arguing with his girlfriend to even consider speaking to me about the rights and wrongs of his actions.  So he went back home with her, later that evening I found out that the girlfriend had fallen and they were at the hospital.....I guess everything checked out fine, now I just received a phone call at work that she is bleeding.  With their vastly changing mood swings I am really unsure if she is going to be able to carry this baby to term or not, she is only 14 weeks pregnant, and it seems as though she is in the hospital ALL of the time, I am unsure if it is due to attention, or if this stuff is really happening??? I am at a loss since 17 no longer lives with me....but all I can say is if something God forbid happens to that baby, I am sure 17 will be back home....with added drama....I am so over all of this....when I agreed to be a mom I never knew it was ALL of these things compiled together and that there were going to be SO many struggles, while I will continue to deal with them the best I know how, sometimes I just wish I didn't have to....sometimes it is just more than I ever signed up for.......

Praying for the baby.....

Why I am my OWN support System

I received this message via facebook from my cousin this morning.
Please take note that the ONLY thing I post on my facebook is inspirational quotes and lyrics, and many many people have taken the time to tell me how much my postings have helped them through days when they have needed it.

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FROM MY COUSIN:
You have Way too much emotional baggage.. You remind me of your crazy mom.. ill block u if u reply u fucking nut bag

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Needless to say this caught me a little off guard this morning, but nevertheless if you refer to one of my past posts about extended family you can understand that these people know nothing about me, my life, my trials or tribulations, they know nothing of my challenges, or my triumphs, so in their eyes, they are the ones living the perfect cookie cutter lives and I am once again.....banished.

I feel like hell today......

There are probably a lot of reasons WHY I feel like hell, but this morning I woke up and went into an almost instant panic attack, no real reason, but it was by far the longest one I have had in awhile, I am untreated for anxiety, I am un-medicated, I felt as if I was going to deal with all of my everyday life problems I was going to have to face them at 100%, and I cannot do that under the influence of medication.  So I just breathe through it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.....irrelevantly, I make it work so that I can be a good mother to my children.

Saturday afternoon- St. Patrick's Day- I had to admit 11 into the behavioral health hospital.  He threw a HUGE fit, broke a bunch of things and put his hands on me.  He told me he was going to run away, told me I was a bad mother and wished that I was dead, broke a glass, hit the hood of my car with his fist, hit my front door with a stick, tore my fake tree up in the living room, and threw my candle holder full of rocks and candles all over my living room.  When 11 escalates he really escalates, he is 170 pounds, so sometimes it is a lot to deal with and since he is so much bigger than me, he is quite intimidating at times.  However when he de-escalates he acts like a baby, babbling unfamiliar words, clapping his hands, rocking back and forth and then gets really really sleepy.  He got into the car willingly, he cried some of the way to the hospital because he realized I was serious and that he was really going.  He did well there and they discharged him Monday evening.  Since being home, with his new med change, I have really not seen much of a difference, he is very distant now, and he is very defensive, he thinks we are all mad at him, which we are not.  He has been talking a lot in his sleep, since being home, that is something he had done before, but not to the extent that he is doing it now.  Hopefully things will level out and all will get better with time, stability and a routine.

My mother is doing ok, she is not doing perfect by any means but she seems stable.  She has began to withdraw herself from family situations, like when I get home from work, she goes to her room, we have not been communicating very much, she went to have a screening for services at our local behavioral health office to see if she qualified for services, she of course does, but she began talking all sorts of things that I had never heard before, she started crying saying that she feels like a social outcast, but kept reverting the conversation back to domestic violence.  Her husband is awaiting trial for being a repeat offender towards my mother for aggravated domestic violence, and he really hurt my mother repeatedly, and very badly.  My mother has also been a victim to sexual abuse as a child and throughout her childhood, I think sometimes that she puts herself into situations so she can be hurt differently to mask some of the pain of her past as opposed to moving forward and trying to get some closure on things so that she can lead a more happy lifestyle. 

15 is doing better.  No drugs since he found out he was going to rehab, he gets one hour with his friends at a time and then he must come and check in with me so that I can do an overview and make sure he is not "high", and then he is allowed another hour.  He is kind of pushing the bar on that though, he has not done any chores, his room is a fright, it just seems like he too is pushing away from our family, doing things to distance himself....sometimes I wonder if everyone is distancing themselves from me, or if it is just the issues around our home that make people seek out different venues.

17- Graduates this year!!!!! I am very proud of his decisions since moving out.  He has looked for a job, and contemplated dropping out of school to secure employment so that he could work to support his baby, after speaking with the school counselor, he will be able to graduate this year based off state credits and he should be able to get a job prior to the baby coming as well as possibly start some courses at college =)

8- appears to be doing better by the day, his dad and I are really working together a lot to make things happen for him, and make sure he is happy and stable and secure in his everyday routine.  I have stopped calling so often, I think sometimes that alone might sometimes confuse him, although sometimes I can't help it, sometimes "I" need to talk to him and hear his voice.  I miss him like crazy, but I am happy his little world has began to slow down for him=)

Relationship status= EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!! I am telling you that this is it, this is what love is supposed to feel like, and through everything when I am in his arms I know everything is going to be ok.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before in my life, we fit together so perfectly, his kids are wonderful, he is wonderful....I am sure sometimes he questions how he got into this mess we call life, but in the same hand he promises me he is not going anywhere, and that we are forever. =)

Me- as usual I am happy, no matter what is going on in the inside, I show happiness, I have a dumb wisdom tooth coming in, I think I started to get a kidney infection, quit drinking pop, and all of the other craziness that goes on in my life, I have been pretty tired lately, been going to bed pretty early which means I am missing out on time with the people that I love and so desperately want to be around, but I have learned if I don't take care of me, then I cannot possibly take care of them....

Another brick in the wall.....

Well it seems that no matter how good life gets, there is always that one thing that stops me in my tracks and reminds me who I am, what I have done, where I have come from and reminds me that I have made bad decisions in my life as well.

It never fails, karma does catch up to you, and when you least expect it - it comes in and smacks you in the face and reminds you that you are not done working yet, you are not done climbing yet, don't stop, don't smell the roses, do not under any circumstance get comfortable, because.......you have another fight to fight.

15 goes to rehab on April 1st.  A 21 day impatient treatment.  After treatment he will have group therapy for 2 hours a week, individual therapy for 1 hour a week, and a case manager that goes to the school and to the house on top of the pre-existing case management he already has, with psychiatry and counseling.

THC, Marijuana........POSITIVE.

I realize it could probably be worse, but this to me is BAD!!!! We just moved, ready to start our life over again, 15 gets hooked up with the wrong kids, makes bad decisions, fails classes, is mean to his siblings, gets suspended for fighting, now he is going to be an established drug user who has to go to a rehab/treatment facility for 21 days? 

God I am sorry for everything I have ever done wrong in my life, I apologize for the hurt that I have caused others, I am sorry for every wrong doing I have ever done in my entire life. 

Why can't I have the normal happy kids, the ones who do not set out intentionally to mess up, to harm themselves, to harm others?  Why can I not get up in the mornings, no issues, go to work, no issues, come home, no issues, cook dinner, no issues, watch a movie, no issues, have a conversation with my kids, no issues, take a shower, no issues, go to bed, no issues and then get up in the morning and do it all again, I would be happy if this would happen 3 times a week, but it never does....never.

Last night 11 had a total meltdown, reminding me that his very real issues are still there, and still very relevant to our lives and that he needs more help than what I have been able to offer him, he seems to be declining in his actions, only he is getting stronger, last night he kicked me, screamed at me, stomped around, threw things all over the house, made a HUGE scene- talked like a baby, afterwards calming down enough to repeat the words "I am so stupid" about 50 times without listening to the logic that I was trying to offer him between him calling himself stupid repeatedly.  I just don't understand. 

As a mother I have:  as of March 14, 2012---

(a current timeline from today)

17- who is doing pretty well, he is keeping his established boundaries, he is not angering so easily, they kept him on his same meds at our appointment yesterday, he has mood disorder, impulse control disorder and oppositional defiance disorder, he has a baby on the way, but he appears to be doing pretty decent given the transitional changes that have been going on.

15- getting ready to attend drug treatment, he has major depression disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and they are going to plague him with bi-polar although they are currently trying to rule that out.  However he has been in a really good mood lately, he has been polite, not as many arguments between the kids, he has been helping when I ask him to, aside from the THC positive thing we now have to deal with, he is not doing ALL bad.

11- had been doing really well until last night, it seems like the "spells" he has pushes him back into a much more immature time frame where he does and mimics things of a baby?  Although he is a very big boy, so the stomping and hitting and fighting and such really resemble that of a man as opposed to a child, he breaks things, and carries on until he falls asleep usually having a rollercoaster of emotions that go along with the ride unfortunately.  11 has only been diagnosed with Severe ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

8- doing remarkable! Although after speaking to his dad I found out that after his psychiatry appointment yesterday and I took him back to school he got into a scuffle with another boy on the playground and unfortunately has to spend his day today in the recovery room =(  he has been doing really amazing other than that, and I am really really proud of him!!!

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Amazingly, my relationship is still doing really well.  He has moved in with me, and we are really getting along very well, he is a very perfect addition to our lives, and I love him like I have never loved anyone before.  And yes we have said it now lol.  Some days I wonder how long he will stay through all of the chaos, but I figure that if he truly loves me he will stand beside me and understand that I have been fighting this uphill battle alone for a long time, and yes it has gotten away from me at times, but I think slowly we will get through this.........I just hope he wants to keep his hand in mine through it all =) <3

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My mom has moved in with us as well, she needed a place to go and when I agreed to let her come I was thinking it would be nice to have another adult in the house to help me monitor the children while I was at work.  I could not have been more wrong.  She has already been admitted into the psych ward for 7 days since being here, I have had to take all of her medication away from her and distribute it all to her as prescribed, she went to change over her social security to my address and they refused her saying she needed a payee which of course became me, and she signed over Power of Attorney to me to act in her behalf.....so taking on my mom has just been an added stress as opposed to a help, I don't know why I ever thought it would be any different.

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Me- I am actually happy, I know that sounds weird with everything going on, but we have fought a long hard fight already, something that this current way of living pales in comparison to....I am genuinely happy, I have everything under control, and the things (15) that I had lost control of without even realizing it have been handled accordingly.  I have gotten out of bed, I am getting things accomplished, I am no longer depressed, I am more alive and awake than I have been in a long while.  I am just waiting for the world to slow down a little bit again, but if it doesn't this seems like an adaptable pace if I am forced.

And that is an update on everything up to this moment........

 

Our Angel March 11, 2002 - March 13, 2002

3/3/2012- One week until it has been 10 years to the day that my only daughter passed away at 2 days old.  I don't care what anyone says, yes as time passes by the wound is able to be scabbed over, however I don't know that any amount of time will change the way it feels on March 11th of every year.

I am slapped back into that hospital room, watching my tiny infant daughter fight for her life.  She is on life support, pain medicine going strait into her body through an IV tube.  Her tiny fingers and toes turning black from the lack of oxygen that she received after being born...her poor body laying there completely lifeless and her heart stopping every few hours, the doctors and nurses rushing in to revive her body, but of course, it was clear her soul had already been laid to rest.  No matter how much time passes, every year at this same time, it still hurts.

I grieve for my daughter every day, although losing her has made me a better, stronger mother for my other children.

I think of what she would look like now, what her voice would sound like, if she would still let me comb her hair before school.  I think of what it would have been like to hold her, kiss her, cradle her, rock her, but she is going to be 10 soon.  She would be in the 4th grade, what would her grades be like, would she be a good reader, would she have a boyfriend.....thoughts of her fill my head even after all of these years of what would have been if she would have made it to today.

She is my strength now.

She is my heart now.

She is what helps me overcome challenges.

She is what makes me a better person.

She is what makes me a good mother.

She is what wakes me up everyday to fight another battle.

She..........is my Angel.

She may not be with me in her physical presence, but I feel her with me every second of everyday, even 10 years later.

My Angel, My Princess, My Baby Girl, My Daughter.




Mommy misses you.

Let's talk about me for a minute =)

When I think of talking about myself I am always hindered, because I never put myself first, however in the past few weeks I have tried to put myself at least more "forward" than in the past several years.

So here it is.

I met this guy. =)

When I say I met this guy, I don't mean just any "guy", I mean I believe to have found the perfect man for me.  The one my soul has searched for my entire life, the one who can make me smile just by merely thinking of him, the one who when I receive a call or a text from him, my heart skips a beat, the one who when our hands touch I feel as though our bodies merge into one.

I really feel like this is it, and I also feel as though I deserve him more than any one in the world.  I will treat him well and he has shown me nothing but the same respect, he is great with my children, he is great with me, like I said I just feel as though he is the one......

I haven't told him yet, but I know I am falling in love with him, which for me is a very scary thing, because so far anyone in my life that I have ever opened up to has been able to cut me from within and break my heart, I have been so scared for so long of getting my heart broken that I have built this huge wall up around myself and I don't let anyone in.

He is different, it is like I extended to him the Golden ticket that lets him come and go as he pleases with no fear of anything.  He doesn't scare me.  He is perfect.

So I am either setting myself up for the ultimate disappointment, or I am going to finally see what it is like to live a good life, next to someone who truly cares about me and my children.  Someone who can walk to the ends of the Earth and back with me without skipping a step.  Someone who will hold my hair when I am sick, kiss my forehead when I am weak and someone who will hold my hand as we grow old together.

I cannot wait to see what the future holds in store for us =) 

Trust me....just a quote

Trust me, I know how it feels.
I know exactly how it feels to cry
in the shower so no one can hear you.
I know what it's like to wait for everyone
to be asleep so you can fall apart,
for everything to hurt so bad you
just want it all to end.I know exactly how it feels.

just writing..........

Strength---Courage---Hope---Faith

I have read so many things since all of this has happened, I have thrived for knowledge in a battle to help myself help my child.  In the process I have become strong past my wildest dreams, because who is ever prepared to deal with such a traumatic event, and even worse when you are the Mommy and you can't fix the pain, you cannot cover the wounds, and you cannot hide the scars.

I wonder how the people who know what has happened in our lives look at my children now.  How they look at me.  The wonderful vision that I had raised my children to become has been stripped away from us all, and now we are a family tattered, a family broken, a family that knows not what the future holds in store for us.  I can only give my children the tools to survive and hope that is enough to help them reach the goals that they have set for themselves.

When I look at 17, I don't see a monster, and I don't think 8 sees a Monster either.  I see my son, and I believe that 8 sees his brother, however we see this person through fear, and although we try not to, we see him through pain, and anger and the relationships we had once formed have been severed by a wall that no matter how many therapy sessions we attend will never be able to come down.  Because no matter how many therapy sessions, no matter how many apologies, the fear is still there that it could very realistically happen again.  

I don't know how our lives came to this, I don't know how it changed so dramatically from us all having family game night to being a family torn by sexual abuse.  I don't know how we became strangers in our own home, and while I work very hard to make our lives as normal as possible through all of the pain that we have in our hearts it is very hard.  It is kind of like being inside a bottle and every time someone tips it and we get closer to the top to get out, they pour water into it and shake us around for awhile....that is how it seems.  Every time we get close to the finish line or so it seems, it gets shaken by something, one of the members of this family falls, and we all have to stop and back up and pick them back up.  It is thoroughly time consuming, stressful and it is so difficult.

When I ask the children to do something the 1st response that I usually get from them is "It is too hard", too hard kid, really?  Look at all we have been through and all we have overcome and all that we have struggled through and the things that we have accomplished and where we were versus where we are now, and then tell me that it is too hard.  We can do this, so come on, follow me, I will lead the way.  But it never quite works out that way.  Even I have fallen very hard, several times.  

THIS IS OUR LIFE NOW!!!

Once I personally gained that knowledge I was able to overcome so much, and while I personally still struggle every day the battle with tears is not nearly as frequent.  We will make it through this.  I just need everyone to get on board.

17 wants to forget it, he says it was a bad decision and he has learned his boundaries, however he just wants to bottle it all up inside, and any time anyone brings it up it brings all of his emotions to the surface on the matter, and he deals with it through anger, so he will cry and then he will punch a wall, scream and yell and get upset with whoever said anything about it in the first place, he will be mad at that person as if that person is the one we should all hold solely responsible for "bring it up again"....he expects us all to just push it back in our minds like he has been able to do, and pretend it never happened.

15 is angry too, he has secluded himself and become the rebel of the family, he does what he wants when he wants and has no remorse for any of it.  He is very mean and hateful, it is not who I want him to be, but he could care less, he wants to do anything he can to make a statement, but he also is a recluse who just seems to hide in the shadows whenever he can.  He is definitely the next battle...I am sure of it.

11 just wants attention.  He does try to be good most of the time, but he also has anger issues, kicking holes in my walls, screaming at the top of his lungs, antagonizing his brothers, he can be so mature, but in the blink of an eye he becomes this other kid, almost baby like, he throws tantrums and breaks things, talks like a baby, hits things, hits himself, cries, and whines for hours on end...he is a challenge, but if I ignore the behavior it usually stops.

8 just appears to be in phase that he can block everything out, which is good, he has had many transitions in the past couple years and he seems to just be able to control what he allows to affect him one way or the other.  Sometimes he acts out, but for the most part there could be a tornado going on around him and he is content just sitting on the couch watching tv...as long as he can see it, and hear it, all is well.

And then there is me.  I am the type of person who needs to learn everything there is about anything going on, so I am a research junkie, I read and read about anything going on so that I can get a handle on how to handle it.  I have been on a constant roller coaster for the last 2 years trying to battle through everything that has gone on and continues to go on currently, but all in all I think I have made some hard but productive decisions in the last few months, maybe the best decisions I have made in a long time...only time will tell I assume.

Extended Family.....forgotten.

I really don't know how I became such an overprotective mother.  I probably could not explain it if I wanted to.  Everyone who shares a bloodline with me is untraceable, completely able to forget who I am and unfortunately I gained that same trait, I don't much care where they are either.

So I have been banished, and after gathering my own assumptions here is why:

I lived with my abusive drunk father. We lived in a small town, he had a sister and some brothers, they had children, I grew up with these people, birthday parties, family Christmas' I mean we did get together pretty routinely while I was younger. 

I got pregnant at 13.

Now I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am guessing that the *Super Awesome, Way Cool* parenting I was receiving helped me to get pregnant at 13? My mom was not around, I lived with my dad, he had just kicked out his crazy abusive girlfriend of several years, he was never home, he would leave me money on the table and then be gone until all hours of the night.  So I came home from school, cleaned the house, fed myself, and would go to bed.  As I got a little older I would hang out with my friends, I would sneak out of the house late at night, I mean I would do whatever I wanted to do, because I had no one to ask.  My dad would rip me out of bed by my hair and drag me to the kitchen sink to wash the one fork that was in there, because I was an ungrateful brat, he would always make it a point to hit me in my head, so that my hair covered any potential bruising that he might to do me. New Years Day 1994 I told my dad "No" at my uncle's house (which was a block from my house) the house was full of my cousins and my uncle was there, and my dad came to me and punched me in the face so hard he made my nose bleed, it bled bad, and everyone just stood there, I remember the taste in my mouth and feeling like I was suffocating because I was choking on my own blood trying to keep from making a mess at my uncles house and on his furniture. Everyone just stood there and looked at me, like that type of thing was normal?  Like normal parents do that type of thing to their children......

So ok, I got pregnant at 13.  I must be BANISHED from the family because I am such a bad child.  Whatever- I can live with that, I don't need those people in my life anyway, and I surely do not want them in the lives of my children. 
Moving on to dear mothers side of the family- she had a mom, a step-dad, 2 brothers, both with children, however that side of the family is made up of pedophiles, and abusers, my mom made it clear as a child to stay away from them, and I have done the same thing by my children, and still I walk this line in my own life.  Sad to say.

So really??? I am the outcast?  If this is what I have to do to become the black sheep of my family then so be it.  I am a damn good mother, I work my ass off to take care of my children, hell yes I have made some mistakes, doesn't everyone?  But to have heard through the grapevine that I had fallen (when my kids and I were homeless) and to call me and want to gossip about "what happened" and why we were in that situation, and not think twice about offering a resolution (that I never would have taken you up on) or thought about it twice after that, and then to call me 6 months later and ask if I was still in the homeless shelter.....seriously?  6 months later.....HELL NO- In one year I completely turned our lives around ALONE, by MYSELF!!!!

Don't worry I will never ask you insignificant people for anything......but in return I would appreciate you not ever contacting me again.

Thanks.

The weather sucks........

But I feel ok this morning, it seems as though I covered a lot of ground last night.  The kids seemed to have "heard" me, and maybe they understand that I have just had enough.  I am ready to live my life, our life without the chaos and the mass destruction that seems to take place daily.  I wish they would understand that a fraction of a sliver of a little tiny bit of effort from them would make things that much easier on everyone.  Momma does not like to scream and yell, but when I talk, they don't listen!!!!! Hopefully they heard me...hopefully!

I made it a point not to call 8 last night.  Since he has been with his dad I have called everyday, talked to him everyday, talked to his dad everyday, I have become sincerely obsessed with keeping my presence known in his life daily.  But after calling the night before and hearing the sound of "happy" returning to his voice, I figured it wouldn't hurt to let him have a day "Mommy Free", he knows he can call me anytime he wants to....

So here I am this morning, sitting at work, and just thinking, and reflecting and working out all of the kinks, trying to think of what I can do different to change this course that we have been on for so long, and getting all of the negative out of our life so we can live somewhat happily for a change.  I am willing to make more sacrifices if I have to, bend over backwards some more if I have to, all I know is that things have to be different than they have been.

I think it will all come around, and our lives will slow down a little bit and we can take time to smell flowers, and breathe deeply and that it will all be better soon....I am not quite ready to take off my seat belt yet though- life has proven to me, that just when you least expect it, something else happens.....

Easier....Ha.....Maybe not.

So today started off well, work went well, the drive home went well.....and then I got home.

No chores done, seriously? And 15 is laying in my unmade bed playing on my computer after very strict instructions NOT to be on my computer, and very strict instructions to do his chores.  So I was mad, I yelled, I screamed. He was sarcastic acting like he always does everything (when in fact he never does anything) and how it is all on him.  There was a cup on the floor, the kitchen cabinets were open, which I hate, and he could have vacuumed.  5 minutes of work....so hard.  Anyways I got it done, cooked dinner and then 17 called.

I am mad at 17 because he and his girlfriend seem to be totally against me.  Now that he moved out it is like I am the odd man out and neither one of them seem to remember everything I did for them, and I guess 17 fails to remember me losing my whole life to stand behind him when he abused 8....really?

So needless to say I can't scream at him, I can't tell him how I am really feeling.  Because it might affect his progress and how far he has come.  However what I would LOVE more than anything to say is YOU made it to where MY baby didn't want to be here anymore, I had to let MY baby go live with his dad, and YOU want me to be happy and support YOU in bringing another life into this world when you have thoroughly fucked our lives up? Sorry, but I can't be happy, and then his girlfriend blocked me from Facebook? Real mature sunshine.  Whatever.  Tonight I told him I would not bother him anymore if that is what he wanted and he could just do whatever he wanted without the hindrance of me caring.  Of course that is not what he wants, I am all he freaking has ever known, he does not have anyone but me, and let us be for real, statistics show that although he and his girlfriend may in fact make it awhile, the chances of them sticking it out for the long run are rare. So who does that leave him with in the end? Me!

Just upset again tonight, I let him get to me, I let him make me cry.  I just wish he would realize how much I have let him affect me, and my other children.  He has broken apart everything I have ever worked so hard to achieve, and he doesn't even care.......=/

The days are getting easier.....

For the moment, things seem to have started to get easier.  I love talking to 8 now, even though it has to be over the phone I can hear the dramatic difference in his voice.  I can hear the happy in him.  I can't say this enough, I am so happy for him, that he made a very grown up decision and was able to regain the control back over his situation.  I am proud of myself for being able to allow him to make that decision, while it ripped me apart on the inside to start with, hearing him laugh, a true genuine laugh only instills that I have done the right thing.

It was his 1st day at his new school today, his new school offers rewards to children who are doing well in their behavior and what not.  He earned one Eagle Dollar yesterday that he is able to spend at the school store, he can earn many more of them, he said one of his friends had FIFTY Eagle Dollars!!!! He said he was surely going to save up fifty Eagle Dollars as well. 

This happy boy is being raised up from the ashes that I allowed him to live in, he would run away from me, throw things, kick things, not listen, scream out, spit, hit, kick, bite me, we have been through so much...I wish to God I would have not been so selfish sooner, and made this choice for him sooner, because honestly I feel as though I took away from him 2 years he will never get back...all because I wanted to keep him safe, I wanted to be the one to kiss his boo-boos and make everything alright....I just was not able to....and now, the person who I never trusted to take control of that situation and turn it right, is proving to do just what I thought he never could.  He is giving me my son back, my happy boy.....my perfect boy =D.

Get some rest little buddy....Day 2 of your NEW SCHOOL starts tomorrow!!!! Another opportunity for you to win Eagle Dollars....BOOM!!!!! How exciting!!!! <3

Mommy loves you to infinity and beyond, a day after forever.......xxo

SuperBowl Sunday....the end of my 1st weekend visit with 8....

Patriots v. Giants

Superbowl and all of the thousands, possibly millions of people that watch it, just seems so small in my life with everything else that is going on.

Today marks the end of my 1st weekend visit with my son since he has went to live with his dad.  It was different visiting and being the non-custodial parent to him.  But it was nice, I don't want to speak to soon and say that it was better, but HE seemed better, he was in a good mood, his attitude was just so much more positive and different than it had been in the weeks and months that preceded the decision for him to go live with his dad.  It was an amazing weekend to say the least and I wouldn't change any of my decisions at this moment of the game for anything.  It's working, my baby is coming back, he deserves this more than anyone.  He has been through so much, it is about time he starts to feel like he has some control over his own life.  This is proving to be a positive decision.

AND THE GIANTS WIN THE SUPERBOWL 2012!!!!! And the crowd goes wild, and the confetti falls, and the disappointment from the other team is not even heard because of the chants and wonder and excitement from the Giants fans all across the stadium!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Did today really go as planned???

I don't know how to explain it, I said Day 10 was going to be easier, and guess what?  Day 10 was easier!!! It was just me and 11 and 8, but the 3 of us had an amazing day!!! We got up this morning with the plans of going to this really awesome kid place, they would have gotten to do crafts and stuff and then we were going to go ice skating....well that was my plan.  Their plan must have been different, because we ended up at the mall, and then we went to build-a-bear, and then walked around for awhile, and then we went out to eat, lots of laughing and playing around, it was awesome, we went for a pretty long drive afterwards and I could tell they were getting tired, so we came home, after stopping at Wal-Mart and renting a few movies =) we came home and I got quite a bit of housework done this evening....they even offered to help me!!!! Who are these kids??? I really didn't have to pull out the "mom voice" hardly at all today.  It is nice to have 8 back, he is laying here next to me watching tv, giggling and laughing, it is so sweet....I sure missed him!!!!


Day 11 should be dually as wonderful as day 10.....Superbowl Sunday!!!! However 8 has to go back to his dads, and get in a routine because he starts his 1st day of school Monday....at his new school.....at his dad's house, he is excited, I have to be excited for him.

No title today, I am just not feeling it.

I like to leave things untitled, that way when they become a disaster they have no label, nothing to "blame", just yourself and the decisions that led you up to this point.  Is it a cycle?  Probably.  How do you break it?  You tell me.

They say in order to establish a routine something has to be done for 13 days, if you successfully make it through those 13 days, it is then a habit, and you will just do it.  I don't know.  17 and 8 (my kids) moved out 9 days ago, this is not feeling like something I am just going to get used to.  This is not feeling like something that out of force of habit that I am going to be able to overcome.  But in the same sense I know they are happier where they are.  Maybe that is what is killing me, maybe that is what hurts the most, is knowing that they are happier somewhere else then they are with me.  Well ok, let's make the best of it.  Let us have fun when we are around each other and not spend every time we are together clinging to one another, because ultimately kid, I will smother you!!! Because I am used to daily hugs and kisses, something I am not getting anymore, something that I feel like I must gather all in one weekend, and in the process, smother you and make it no fun at all.  That is utter B.S... I have to quit thinking like that.  My kids are happier somewhere else.  I must live with that.  I must transform the children that stayed in my home into positive young men, I must do everything in my power to not mess up anymore and quit seeing everyone's lives and everyone's emotions through MY eyes, because the fact is, they have their own little brains, their own beating hearts, and well quite frankly, all of this could have been prevented if I would have thought outside of the box in the past.

I am outside of the box now.

I have no idea how to live out here, I have no idea how to mother out here, I have no idea who I am out here.  I guess ultimately it is time to retrain myself.  What do I do in my free time now?  Do I sleep?  NO I can't just sleep my life away wishing my kids were all back home.  I must do something positive.  Do I take up photography again, like I have always planned and wanted?  Absolutely the best possible plan, do something I love, possibly reap some tangible rewards, and be able to do even more things with my children.

I may not be a genius, but this blogging thing has really got me thinking.  I can do this.  I can become this wonderMOM that I have always wanted to be.  Maybe not with ALL of my children IN my house, but I AM STILL THEIR MOM!!!!!!!!

Day 10 is going to be better than the days that have preceded it=)

They call this life?

Well ok here it is, I am a single mother.  I have made an unconscious decision to be a single mother, however through choices that I have made, I believe that I am pretty much solely responsible for that.
It's Ok, I am Ok with it.  But sometimes I wish I had someone around to share the everyday burden with me.  Not that my kids are a burden, but it seems as though they require more of me, than I actually have.  So lets talk about what is actually going on and see what you think at the end.

I got pregnant when I was 13, I am 31 now, so I have been a mother the better part of my life, I wouldn't change it for anything, but now that they are growing up some, I would for sure change some of THEIR decisions. Maybe this is my karma, maybe this is my curse, but whatever it is, I am not happy in it.

My mother was a complete fuck up my entire childhood, she had a nervous breakdown and threw me to the wayside like that was an option.  No big deal, left me there to my abusive alcoholic no good father to fend for myself, yes thank you.  Grew up too quick, got pregnant, and again, and again, and again, 4 living kids, 1 in heaven.......lost my kids in a court battle for an entire fucking year, lost a baby at 2 days old, my dad died, got my kids back, my house burned down, was in an abusive relationship, another house fire, son got in trouble, lost my job, house, car, ended up homeless, and now through it all I have came up from the depths of hell to make a really good attempt at being happy again.  Went from homeless shelter to sincerely doing well in ONE year.....and now.  FUCK!!!!!

My oldest son is 17, just spent the last year in inpatient treatment for being an abuser, we won't go into that at the moment, but it was not physical abuse and it was not drug abuse.  Use your imagination.  It affected my whole family, but it mainly affected my youngest son.  We all supported my oldest son through everything, through the Children's Division, through the treatment, family therapy, I am talking everything.... he came home, threatened to kill himself, put his hands on me, and now to top things off is going to have a baby in August.  A fucking baby, are you serious?  He moved out.  No longer lives with me, I cannot support his decisions any longer, nor will I.  I do not have time to let my other children suffer at his hands anymore.  I love him, but if he can't see what he has dragged my family through up to this point, and if he doesn't care, then why should we? We can't.  I have to move forward.

Next son...Age 15- This boy looks like me, every bit of him is me, sometimes I feel as though I am looking in the mirror when I look at him.  He went from being the nicest most sincere kid in the world, to an Emo punk kid.  Failing all of his classes, being physically abusive to his brothers, not doing anything asked of him, arguing everything, picking at his skin, causing utter havoc, trying anything he can that would make a rebellious statement, growing his hair out, dying it dark, piercing his lip, having sex, trying drugs, he does not get it, I will not follow him through this, if he gets in trouble, he is on his own, I will not drag my family through that again.  I tell him this all of the time, he does not believe me, watch- I swear I will not fight this battle for him, I am trying to help him I have him in therapy, psychiatry, everything, I try to get along with him, try to get him to want to be a good kid, to want the best out of everything...he doesn't care. Ultimately leading me to not care. Unfortunate.

Next son...Age 11- ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER the real deal- I never believed in this before I had this child. The "motor" that they say controls a child with ADHD, I think mine has 2.  He is a good boy though, very sincere, always aiming to please, he is in special education, his brothers call him retarded all of the time.  He cries a lot, I wish I could make everything in his world just slow down, but as much as I have tried, I have been unsuccessful, he is by far my sweetest child, always wanting to help me, wanting my attention, wanting to see me smile.  I think he has the most genuine attitude, he WANTS to do right, he WANTS to be something wonderful, it is just harder for him than most kids, because of his uncontrollable drive.  I see so much for this boy, and I hope that through all of the crazy, he can salvage some sort of normalcy for himself and create something awesome out of it.

My last born baby...Age 8- The child that I purposely created after losing my daughter at 2 days old.  The baby who I begged for and wanted more than I have ever wanted anything else in this world, we had a bond like no one else in this world could have ever had, and then it was torn apart by my oldest sons decisions, my baby was ripped from me in every sense of the word however his body was still there, his innocence was stripped from him and I lost him - I tried everything to keep him with me, we were homeless, we fought every step of the way, we had it, we were at the finish line, and then he told me what I never wanted to hear...."I want to go live with my dad", and deep down I already knew it was the best thing, through everything I was so fucking selfish, I just wanted him here with me.  "I" wanted to keep him safe, "I" am his fucking mother, why would I not want that...but he wanted his daddy, so I let him go.

The deep dark hole in my stomach continues to grow, it is full of hate, and anger, distrust, despise, hostility, resentment, pain, bitterness, anxiety, angst, panic and uncertainty, every day it continues to grow and it does not seem to be closing, only getting bigger, deeper, and harder to deal with by the day.

I have lost myself, I have lost the Mother of the Year award, I have lost every hope and value that I once had for my family and now all I try to do day to day is salvage one fucking simple piece of decency from an otherwise completely fucked up situation.

So what now.